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This page is the transcript for "Weekend at Benson's".

(Mordecai is struggling to insert a lightbulb into a lampost)

Mordecai: It won't go in!

Rigby: No, dude, you're doing it wrong! Righty-tighty-lefty-loosey, not lefty-tighty-mess it up because you're a loser!

(Benson is seen holding the ladder)

Benson: Would you guys hurry up?! It's been a whole hour! I can't believe you can't even put in a simple lightbulb.

Mordecai: Almost got it... [finishes it off, badly] ...bam!

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOAAAAA! [zoom into the loose lightbulb]

Benson: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT!!! Here, get down and hold the ladder. [Mordecai & Rigby do so, then, Benson climbs] I'll do it. [begins to insert it properly] I have to do everything around here!

Rigby: Dude, Benson! What's the rush? It's not like you have somewhere to be.

Benson: Yeah, actually, I do! I do have a life outside of work, you know.

Rigby: Yeah, right. Where are you gonna go, Benson?

Mordecai: Yeah, where are you gonna go, dude?


Rigby: Come on, man! Spill it! Where you gonna go?

[Mordecai & Rigby let go of the ladder]

Mordecai: Dude, Rigby! Leave him alone! Can't you tell you're annoying him?

Rigby: [slaps Mordecai] No, you're annoying him!

Mordecai: No, you're annoying him!

Rigby: No, you're annoying him!

[Mordecai & Rigby start fighting, causing the ladder to shake]

Mordecai and Rigby: You're annoying him!

Benson: [shaking on top of the ladder] Hold the ladder!

[Mordecai & Rigby continue to fight. Mordecai bumps into the ladder, causing it, and Benson, to fall. Benson is now unconscious on the ground. Mordecai & Rigby notice]

Mordecai and Rigby: Waugh!

Mordecai: Benson! Benson! [grabs the knocked-out Benson] Oh man, please don't be dead! He's still breathing. He's just unconscious.

Rigby: What are we gonna do? He's totally gonna fire us when he wakes up!

Mordecai: Dude, cool it! I gotta think. [pause] Okay. We only have one chance at not getting fired.

Rigby: Okay. I'll go get the shovel.

Mordecai: No, dude! We gotta take him back to his place and put him in bed, and hope he doesn't remember that any of this happened.

Rigby: What?! That'll never work!

Mordecai: It's our only hope. Either he remembers and he fires us, or he doesn't and he doesn't. Either way, it's our only chance not to get fired.

Rigby: Okay. I guess that makes sense.

Mordecai: Dude, hurry up!

[seconds later, Rigby is pulling Benson into the cart]

Rigby: Maybe If I had a little help this would go faster. [grunting] His gumballs must be made of lead! Okay, he's in, let's go. [Mordecai starts the cart. Soon, Benson falls out of it and onto the road]

Rigby: Augh!

Mordecai: Benson!

[Later, Mordecai tapes Benson to the cart]

Mordecai: Dude, he looks horrible!

Rigby: Wait, I got it. [grabs sunglasses from cart and puts them over Benson's eyes]

Mordecai: Ugh, we're so fired.

Rigby: But he looks so chill!

[Muscle Man walks in from behind a tree]

Muscle Man: Hey, Benson!

Rigby: Agh! It's Muscle Man!

Mordecai: [gasps] We can't let him find out. [starts cart]

Muscle Man: Hey, I want to talk to Benson!

Rigby: Whoo, that was close! [Muscle Man is seen running behind the cart]

Muscle Man: Wait, I want to talk! [Mordecai & Rigby take a sharp turn] TALK!!!

Rigby: [looks back] We lost him! [Muscle Man jumps out from behind the bushes]

Muscle Man: Hey! [Mordecai gasps and stops the cart] Didn't you hear me calling you?

Mordecai: [nervously] Oh...hey, Muscle Man. How's it going?

Muscle Man: What do you ladies care? Benson, I took care of those kids with the snakes like you asked.

Rigby: You ran for that?

Muscle Man: Oh, yeah. Thanks for the smooth jazz concert tickets. My date tonight is going to be extra hot! How did you know she was going to go crazy for it? [Mordecai takes Benson's hand and waves it in the air] It's going to be on tonight!

Rigby: People like jazz?

Muscle Man: Whatever, loser. You just don't know what the ladies like. Right, Benson? [Mordecai waves Benson's hand and points it, and Muscle Man runs off] WHOOO-WHO! You know it! [Benson's head hits the cart]

[Clock transition to Benson's apartment, night. Mordecai & Rigby carry Benson to his room]

Mordecai: This is Benson's apartment. We're almost there, dude. [reaches for the knob. Right then, a girl named Audrey opens the door behind them]

Audrey: Benson! [Mordecai & Rigby notice] Where have you been? My party started two hours ago. Everything okay? [Mordecai shakes Benson to appear as if he is nodding] Oh, great! Come on in and join the party!

Mordecai: No! Uh... I mean, Benson's had a pretty exhausting day at work. He's not really in a partying mood right now. Right, Benson? [Mordecai & Rigby shake Benson again to simulate nodding]

Audrey: But, you said you were gonna come. We planned this over a month ago, remember? [Mordecai & Rigby shrug Benson's shoulders. Audrey sighs] Okay. You're a busy guy and you work a lot, I understand. I was just really hoping you could come to my party. I see you walking down the hall all the time but I never get to talk to you. I thought maybe we could have a chance to get to know each other better. Well, see you. [closes door]

Rigby: Nag nag nag! Alright, let's get him to bed.

Mordecai: Wait dude, we have to take Benson to this party.

Rigby: What?! Why?

Mordecai: Dude. Didn't you see how disappointed that girl was? Benson really did have somewhere to be and we totally messed it up for him! We owe him this.

Rigby: Big deal, he's still gonna fire us.

Mordecai: Dude, if we take him to the party and he wakes up, he'll just think he partied too hard and won't even remember what happened!

Rigby: Hey, maybe you're right! And there'll be witnesses too! Then we'll be off the hook!

Mordecai: Then what do you say, Benson? You ready to party? [pause] I'll take that as a yes!

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOAAAAA!

[Benson falls to the ground]

Rigby: Oh.

Mordecai: Dude, I thought you had him!

[Begin a mini-montage of Mordecai & Rigby partying with a knocked-out Benson. Mordecai & Rigby scan the room before partying. Mordecai controls Benson to high-five two hipsters, followed by Mordecai & Rigby controlling Benson to dance]

Audrey: I can't believe we haven't hung out before this! [puts hand next to Benson] I'm so glad you can hang out tonight. [Mordecai pushes Benson's hand on top of Audrey's. A man named Chuck watches in anger]

Chuck: Yo! [walks up to Audrey] Yo Audrey, who's the jerkface?

Audrey: Chuck, please! Benson does not have the face of a jerk. And I can talk to whoever I want. We're not dating anymore, remember?

Chuck: I guess so. I just never knew you liked talking to losers. [laughs and pokes Benson repeatedly] You hear that, loser?

Audrey: Stop it Chuck, Benson is not a loser!

Chuck: Oh yeah? Well if he not a loser then why is he letting me do this? [pokes Benson]

Audrey: I don't know.

Chuck: [pokes Benson] Why are you letting me poke your face like this? [laughs. Mordecai grabs Benson's hand and slaps Chuck with it, sending water into his face. The sound of a stopping record is heard as everyone else gasps] Not cool, shades. You think you can drop H2O on the FE and get away with it?

Rigby: The FE?

Chuck: Ever seen the periodic table, loser? [points to shirt] FE is the abbreviation for iron, like my stomach. I'm the iron stomach! [grabs a hot chili and eats it]

Mordecai and Rigby: Hmhmph! Hmph! Hmph!

Mordecai: [turns Benson's head] What's that Benson? You think Chuck's a chump and you're not scared?

Rigby: [turns Benson's head] Really, Benson? Are you sure? Okay, whatever you say, you're the boss. [grabs two hot chilis and throws them in Benson's mouth]

Mordecai and Rigby: WHOAAAAA!

Chuck: Fine then. Let's dance.

[Clock transition to Chuck and Benson having a chili duel. Chuck eats a handfull of jalapeños as everyone cheers]

Chuck: Top that.

[Mordecai & Rigby feed Benson a bucketfull of habanero stuffed jalapenos. Chuck skulls hot sauce, and once he finishes, he watches Mordecai and Rigby feed Benson two hot sauces]

Rigby: What's that, Benson? You wanna wash that down with some chili flakes?

[Mordecai & Rigby dump chili flakes into Benson's mouth. Chuck watches for a moment, then, pulls out a case. He reaches into his shirt to reveal the key to the case, and opens it. He pulls out one illuminated chili and eats it. Mordecai and Rigby pull out the other chili, pour hot sauce onto it, and throw it into Benson's mouth. Audrey watches in shock]

Mordecai: Looks like the FE is just L-A-M-E! [crowd cheers]

Audrey: Go Benson!

Chuck: Fine! You think you're so hot!? [pours out chocolate sauce, soy sauce, mayonnaise, kimchi, pasta sauce, clams and sushi into a giant glass, puts in a miniture umbrella, and passes it to Benson] How 'bout a victory drink? I call it the Mississippi Queen.

Rigby: Mississippi Queen? Why do you call it that?

Chuck: Oh, you'll find out.

Crowd: Drink it! Drink it! Drink it! Drink it!

Mordecai: Bottom's up.

(Mordecai & Rigby lift the glass up to Benson's mouth. Right then, the smell of the Mississippi Queen wakes Benson up.)

Benson: What the? [gags] Mordecai! Rigby! [Mordecai & Rigby cover Benson's mouth]

[cut to the bathroom]

Benson: Both of you better tell me what's going on right now or-- [stomach rumbles] Oh, my stomach! Oh, my mouth, my mouth is on fire! [goes to the sink and drinks the water] How did I even get here?

Rigby: You mean you don't remember us knocking you out? [Benson spittakes as Mordecai punches Rigby]

Benson: You did what?!

Mordecai: Look, Benson, before you say anything, we were gonna take you home but then we ran into your neighbour and she really wanted you to go to her party! So we brought you and now you're in a huge eating match against her ex-boyfriend.

Rigby: But it's cool, 'cause you're totally beating him and--

Benson: That's it! You guys are so unbelievably fi--

Crowd: [outside] Benson! Benson! [looks outside and sees Audrey] Benson! Benson! Benson! Benson!

Mordecai: Look, Benson. You could go ahead and fire us, or you could go out there and really impress Audrey. Your choice, man.

Crowd: Benson! Benson! [looks at Audrey again] Benson! Benson! Benson! Benson! Benson! Benson!

Benson: Come with me.

[Mordecai, Rigby & Benson exit the bathroom as the crowd cheers. They walk to the table, where Chuck waits impatiently. Benson picks up the Mississippi Queen and holds it]

Benson: I'm gonna drink this! [crowd cheers]

Mordecai: [drowned out] Alright, yeah!

Benson: And so are my two buddies, Mordecai and Rigby. [crowd cheers. Mordecai & Rigby are shocked] Or they're fired!

Mordecai and Rigby: Huh?

[cut to Benson pours the drink into two glasses]

Benson: Bottom's up, fellas. [the crowd chants "go" as Mordecai, Rigby & Benson chug down the Mississippi Queen. When they finish, they start coughing]

Mordecai: Huh. That wasn't actually that bad.

Benson: Yeah, I didn't really taste anything.

Rigby: Yo, Chuck! Your Mississippi queen was Mississippi lame!

Mordecai: Yeah, it's not even spicy at all.

Chuck: Yeah, well that's called beginner's luck. Luck. Luck. Luck. Luck...

[Mordecai, Rigby & Benson begin to hallucinate in a montage set to the song "Mississippi Queen" by Mountain. First. The screen whites out as a staircase is formed. Mordecai, Rigby & Benson walk down Margaret & Eileen rush them back to the park. All three of them are now lying on the ground outside the house. One by one they come to.)

Mordecai: Feels like rush hour in my lower intestines.

Rigby: I don't think I've ever eaten so much food in my life. [Benson gets up. A note is attached to him]

Benson: That's it. I've had it with you two. I can't even get knocked out without you guys ruining my social life by getting me into stupid food challenges.

Rigby: B-but Benson, we won! [makes a fart noise] Didn't we?

Benson: Won?! I would've never gotten into this mess if you two weren't always messing around! You two are fired! No more chances, just get out of here.

Mordecai: [gasps] Benson! Look!

Benson: What? [pulls off paper attached to him. It reads, Call Me, 555-0155. <3 Audrey]

Mordecai: What does it say?

Rigby: Yeah man, what does it say?

Benson: Ah. [to M&R] It say's get back to work.

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