| OOOOOOOHHHHHHH! |
(Episode begins at Cheezer's, with Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man, and Hi Five Ghost dining inside on grilled cheese sandwiches. Muscle Man and Fives start beatboxing as M&R perform a freestyle rap.)
Mordecai: ♪ Classic grilled cheese, add bacon, if you please ♪
Rigby: ♪ If you want it, come and get it, 'cause we'll eat it in a breeze! ♪
Mordecai: ♪ Got bread ♪
Rigby: ♪ Times two ♪
Mordecai: ♪ Got cheese ♪
Rigby: ♪ Por vous ♪
Mordecai and Rigby: ♪ Got that bacon in the grease that'll make you go ♪
Everyone: Oooooh!
Mordecai and Rigby: ♪ Bacon! B-b-b-bacon! B-b-b-bacon! Ba-baba-bacon! ♪
Waiter (Chip): Are you all done, sir?
Rigby: Yeah, we're done.
(Chip takes their empty sandwich baskets)
Mordecai: (sighs) I guess we should head back.
(The guys head out of Cheezer's, but just as Rigby is about to open the main entrance door…)
Hi Five Ghost: Not to be rude, but, uh— Hmm, how do I say this…
Muscle Man: Your hands are really gross, bro.
Rigby: What? (looks at his hands which are covered in cheese) Well, if you're gonna shove it down my throat, Fives!
Hi Five Ghost: Sorry. I'd want someone to tell me.
Rigby: I'll just use one of these moist towelettes, and everything will be fine. (goes to grab some towelettes from a dispenser labelled "VIP Moist Towelettes", until his hand is slapped away) Aaah! Huh?
Hostess (Becca): (speaking in a Southern accent) I'm sorry, but these are for VIP members only.
Rigby: VIP member?
(An astronaut walks into Cheezer's and cuts in front of the guys)
Astronaut (Rick): 'Scuse me. VIP coming through.
(He shows his golden VIP card to Becca)
Becca: Thanks, Rick. Here's your complimentary VIP merchandise.
(She hands him some Cheezer's merch, free food, and places a Cheezer's VIP hat on his head)
Rick: Later, normies. (walks inside)
Everyone: (astonished) Whoa.
Becca: And that sweet merch and moist towelettes aren't the only thing you get from being a VIP. You get table reservations in the VIP room…
(Quick cut inside the VIP room where several astronauts are dining)
Everyone: Ooh!
Becca: Complimentary tater tots…
(Rigby reaches out to grab a tater tot from the basket she's holding, but Becca slaps his hand away again.)
Everyone (except Rigby): Ahhh!
Becca: 50% off anything in the Cheezer's gift shop…
(Quick cut of the Cheezer's gift shop, as the guys murmur their positive reactions on the cool merch being offered)
Becca: But the best perk is, if you present your VIP card, you get access to our exclusive new sandwich, the "Pork Picnic"!
(She motions towards a standee promoting said sandwich, as a commercial plays)
Cowboy (voice-over): Slow-cooked baked beans, hearty coleslaw, and 3 different types of barbecued pulled pork. (close-up of the cowboy biting into the sandwich, with his mouth covered in barbeque sauce, which he licks his lips) Mmm-mmm! (cuts back to Cheezer's as Becca is lip-syncing the last line of the commercial) Now, that's lip-lickin' good. (commercial ends)
Becca: It's available for only one week, for VIPs only, and will never be released to the public!
Muscle Man: Bros! Huddle.
(The guys assemble in a group huddle)
Muscle Man (continued): I don't want to assume anything, but we're totally gonna become VIPs and eat that sandwich, right?
(The other three voice their unanimous agreement. They break off the huddle and turn to Becca.)
Mordecai: So, how do we become VIPs?
Becca: There are two ways you can become a VIP: be an astronaut, or you've got to prove you're worthy. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but are y'all astronauts?
Mordecai: Well, no.
Becca: That's what I thought. Normie scum.
Mordecai: (offended) Hey! Listen, lady, we can be VIPs just like a lousy astronaut, okay?
Muscle Man: Man, I'm sick of these astronauts coasting through life, getting free handouts all the time!
Becca: So, I guess you'll need to just get to a computer, go online, and fill out the form to begin the grueling application process, scum!
Rigby: Dude, what the heck? Maybe it isn't worth it.
(Rick suddenly appears next to them and takes a big bite of the Pork Picnic)
Rick: (licks barbecue sauce off his lips) Mmm! Aw, man, it sure tastes good to be a VIP.
(The guys look at him eating the exclusive sandwich with drooling open mouths and making hungry noises)
Mordecai: We got to get to a computer! (They all run out of Cheezer's)
(Cut to Pops' house, as Pops is in the computer room reading a book on hummingbirds. He lowers the book down to begin looking for hummingbirds in the computer's search engine, as the guys impatiently wait for him to finish.)
Pops: (typing slowly) "H", "U", "M", "M" again, "I," "N"—
Muscle Man: Look, Pops! We need the computer to fill out a form!
Pops: Oh! I won't be long. Let's see… Lost my train of thought. "H"—
(Everyone (except Pops) groans in annoyance. Muscle Man pushes Pops out the way so he can type in the search quicker.)
Muscle Man: "U-M-M-I-N-G-B-I-R-D"! Done!
Pops: (smiles) Thank you, Mitch.
(Pops clicks on a picture of a hummingbird, right clicks, and sets it as the computer's wallpaper.)
Pops: All done. (gets up and leaves) The computer is yours.
Mordecai: Thanks, Pops. (sits down and begins to fill out the Cheezer's online VIP application)
(Cut back to Cheezer's, as the guys inform Becca of their completed online application)
Mordecai (continued): Okay. It took six hours, but we finally finished the form.
Becca: Okay. So, we've got applications for Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man, and Hi Five Ghost. All right. You boys are officially VIPs…
(The guys cheer)
Muscle Man: Pork Picnic, here we come!
Becca: (holding Cheezer's paper ads) …As soon as you put all these fliers on the cars outside - under the hot, blisterin' sun.
Rigby: What?! But I thought the application was the last thing we had to do!
Becca: Oh, honey, I would never say something like that.
Hi Five Ghost: I'm not sure if this is a good return on our investment, guys.
Becca: Well, that's fine, if you really don't want the Pork Picnic sandwich, available to VIPs only, with our patented three types of dipping sauce. The real chance of a lifetime.
Rigby: (frantically) Okay, okay, we'll do it!
Mordecai: We'll do whatever it takes!
Muscle Man: I can practically taste that hearty coleslaw right now.
(A montage begins of the guys performing various tasks around the restaurant in order to be VIPs, as Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business" plays in the background. First, they put paper ads on the windshields of customers' cars. Then they pick up trash inside the restaurant and throw it in the dumpster outside. Next, they participate in a lab experiment where they get electrocuted every time they take a bite of a grilled cheese sandwich offered by the Cheezer's scientists. Later, they clean and mop the entire restaurant as they glance at the VIP room watching astronauts dine on their Pork Picnics, licking their lips as they're determined not to give up. Soon enough, the guys become exhausted as Becca shakes her head "Not yet.", informing them that there's more tasks to be done before they can become VIPs. She crosses off every task completed on her notepad as the montage ends.)
Becca: (impressed) Oh, my stars! You boys have done so much work around here! It looks like a whole new Cheezer's!
(Next frame shows it is already nighttime at Cheezer's, and the guys are slumped at their tables exhausted as the restaurant shines and sparkles from all the cleaning.)
Everyone: (exhaustedly) Thanks.
Mordecai: So, how much more stuff do we have to do to be VIPs?
Becca: Oh, just 65 little ol' things!
(The guys start complaining)
Rigby: Are you serious?!
Hi Five Ghost: It kind of just feels like we're doing all your chores for you.
Muscle Man: There's got to be a shortcut to being VIP!
Everyone (chanting): Shortcut! Shortcut! Shortcut!
Becca: Boys, I know this is hard, but you got to keep your eyes on the prize. Now do you or do you not want that succulent Pork Picnic sandwich?
Everyone: (resignedly) Yes.
Becca: Where are your manners?
Everyone: (annoyed) Yes, ma'am.
Becca: There they are! Now, there's an overflowing grease trap that's lardin' up. Y'all better get on that. And don't forget to lock up! (hands Rigby the entrance keys) Good luck! (she leaves Cheezer's, and the next frame shows her driving off in her pink convertible) Whoo-hoo!
Mordecai: (annoyed) I really don't like her.
Muscle Man: This sandwich better be worth it.
(Dramatic music plays as a mysterious space-suited astronaut steps out of the shadows to address the four.)
Astronaut: (speaking in a Russian accent) Oh, but is totally worth it.
(Rigby gasps)
Astronaut (continued): I heard you. You are all on verge of giving up. And why not? These chores will go forever.
Rigby: What?
Astronaut: The hostess is playing you for fools. Giving you run around. You're normies. No reserved table for you. No tater tots. No limited-edition sandwiches. Not astronaut. Human garbage.
Hi Five Ghost: That's a little hurtful.
Astronaut: She is your enemy. If you want to be a VIP, there is another way that will challenge you to your core. Or, you could just give up.
Mordecai: We've come this far. We're not giving up.
Rigby: What do we have to do?
Astronaut: I cannot say. I can only show you. Will you meet me here at 2:00 a.m.?
(The guys look at each other for a beat, and then nod their heads to him in agreement)
Astronaut (continued): Good. (chuckles sinisterly)
(Later at 2:00 a.m., the guys arrive at the Cheezer's parking lot with various lunar landers and moon buggies parked around.)
Hi Five Ghost: Are we sure about this?
Rigby: Yeah, this seems like some sort of shady astronaut underbelly of some sort.
Mordecai: You guys want to become VIPs and eat that sandwich, don't you?
(They appear before the mysterious astronaut, who waits for them at the back of Cheezer's in front of a metal door.)
Astronaut: Ah, good. You came. (turns the valve of the metal door, opening it) This way.
(They make their way down a lit staircase leading all the way to an underground arena with a seated crowd of astronauts. They walk straight down the stairs to what lies at the center — a double-decker cheese sandwich.)
Rigby: So, what is it?
Astronaut: Munster.
Crowd (chanting): Eat! Eat! Eat!
Mordecai: So, do we have to eat that, or?
(The astronauts continue chanting "Eat!")
Rigby: Fine, we'll eat it. (grabs the sandwich and takes a bite) Wait, this isn't even Muenster! It's cheddar.
Astronaut: That is munster's food.
(The guys hear a low rumbling noise under the gated floor, making them nervous.)
Rigby: What's that?!
Mordecai: Uhh…
(The astronaut gives a thumb-up signal, then turns it down. A nearby astronaut pulls a lever down, opening the gated floor and sending the guys screaming into the pit below. They land hard on their backs and groan in pain. They sit up and exclaim in confusion, as they survey the area, which is littered with bones and skeletal corpses of previous astronauts who felled, and claw marks on the walls.)
Muscle Man: (looking up at the astronaut) What the heck, man?!
Rigby: I thought you were gonna show us how to be VIP?!
Astronaut: (looking down) If you want to be VIPs, you have to defeat the munster!
Mordecai: What are you talking about?
(Just as he asks that, a long tongue grabs the sandwich and quickly retracts into the shadows as a gulping noise is heard. A giant-fanged mouth and tentacles appear at the chamber as a red-skinned monster growls at them. The guys yelp in terror.)
Rigby: (realizing) Ohhh! "Monster", not Muenster! I get it now.
(The monster's tentacle lands near Rigby, who screams in fright. The monster slithers out of the shadows and goes after the guys. The guys run to escape from the beast, dodging its tentacles along the way. Soon enough, they are cornered, and the monster lunges forth to devour them, but is stopped by the chain of its collar reaching its length.)
Rigby: (relieved) He's at the end of his line!
(Mordecai quickly eyes around the pit and notices a giant pile of astronaut junk at the monster's right.)
Mordecai: (points to the junk pile) Over there!
(They immediately rush towards the pile, all while barely avoiding the monster's tentacles at the last second. They groan from their hard landing.)
Rigby: Huh? (notices an American flag gun in the pile) Whoa! (climbs to the top of the pile with the flag gun) Eat this!
(He fires at the monster, but the shot hardly makes it all the way as an American flag is planted and unfurls as a dance club-remix of "Yankee Doodle" starts playing. The crowd cheers and some of them put their right hands to their hearts in solidarity for America.)
Mordecai: (calling out) Rigby!
(Rigby climbs down and notices Mordecai pulling in a jetpack from the pile.)
Rigby: What's that?
Mordecai: We found a jetpack in the pile! We're gonna use it to fly out of here!
Rigby: You really think that thing's gonna carry us all?
Mordecai: I mean, we've got to try something. (Mordecai straps on the jetpack) Everyone, get on!
(The other three climb onto Mordecai as he activates the rockets and lifts them up in the air, but the combined weight is too much to handle, as the jetpack sputters and shorts out, causing them to fall to the floor and the jetpack to fly around, knocking over the grate above the monster, loosening it a smidge, and finally landing right on the chains, breaking them and thus freeing the monster. The guys exclaim in terror as they quickly hide under the scrapped remains of a lunar lander as the monster bashes its tentacles on the open surface.)
Rigby: What're we gonna do?!
(The monster growls at them as the camera pans up to the grate, giving Mordecai an idea.)
Mordecai: We've got to get it under there! (to Rigby) Grab that American flag gun!
(Rigby grabs the flag gun as the guys quickly escape from the monster before its tentacle smashes the lunar lander remains to pieces.)
Mordecai: (to Muscle Man and Fives) You guys, lure it over there!
Muscle Man: On it!
(Muscle Man and Fives break off from the duo as Muscle Man grabs an Astronaut Ice Cream bar (Neapolitan) off the floor in an attempt to lure in the monster.)
Muscle Man: (waving the ice cream bar) Yoo-hoo!
Hi Five Ghost: (waving) Over here!
Muscle Man: You want some of this?
Hi Five Ghost: Come on!
(Muscle Man throws the ice cream bar into the gullet of the monster, causing it to choke temporarily. Once it clears its throat, the monster recovers and growls at Muscle Man and Fives, as they exclaim in fright and run off. Meanwhile, Mordecai and Rigby make it to the main chamber entrance, awaiting the monster to come to them.)
Mordecai: Okay, aim at the grate!
Muscle Man: Bros! Mission accomplished!
(Muscle Man and Fives run towards the duo with the monster hot on their tails, as the monster corners them once more with the loose grate high above its head, about to fall off its hinges at any moment.)
Mordecai: Rigby! Shoot NOW!
Rigby: Choke on democracy!
(Rigby fires the flag gun up high towards the loose grate. In slow-motion, the flag launches high and hits the grate, causing it to fall off and hit the monster square on its head. The monster squeals in pain and subsequently gets knocked down afterwards. The American flag is planted perfectly next to the creature as the dance remix of "Yankee Doodle" plays once again.)
(Impressed that they beat the monster in spectacular fashion, the crowd chants "VIP!" to the guys.)
Mordecai: Huh?
Muscle Man: What the?
(A ladder is lowered down, and the guys climb back to the top as the crowd cheers for them.)
Astronaut: You did it. You are now…
(The astronaut removes his helmet to reveal he's actually…)
Becca: VIPs!
Mordecai: (shocked) What?!
Rigby: (also shocked) Becca?!
Muscle Man: (thirdly shocked) Oh, my gosh.
Hi Five Ghost: (loss for words) Huh?
Becca: You completed the final task. Congratulations!
Rigby: You were the astronaut?
Becca: Not just that.
(The monster appears before them, scaring the guys, until its face opens to reveal it's a machine piloted by Becca herself.)
Becca (continued): I was the monster, too!
Mordecai: (confused) Wha— Bu—
(The guys look over to where the "astronaut" was, with the spacesuit left on the floor, as they are utterly confused as to how Becca could be in two places at once.)
Muscle Man: How did you?
Becca: (dodging his question) You see, that's what being VIPs is all about. It's not just about being an astronaut. It's about workin' hard to earn your place among the cream of the crop. And you boys are definitely the cream of the crop.
Mordecai: We did it!
Rigby: We're VIP!
Muscle Man: (laughs) All right!
Hi Five Ghost: (tears streaming) It's over! It's finally over!
(The astronauts cheer and lift the guys up in celebration, as Becca presents to them their official golden VIP cards. In the VIP room, the guys are happily taking a big bite of their Pork Picnics, savoring the flavor that they've earned.)
Rigby (voice-over): Mmm-mmm.
(The scene ripples into Rigby at Eileen's house, the entire episode having been a story he made up to convince her to go to Cheezer's together.)
Rigby (continued): And it was the best day of our lives.
Eileen: (smiles) That's a really roundabout way to tell me you want to go to Cheezer’s.
(End of "VIP Members Only")