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Regular Show Wiki
This page is the transcript for "The White Elephant Gift Exchange".

(Episode opens to the workers outside)

Benson: Alright, everybody. It's the holiday season, so we've got a lot of things on the agenda. We've got to hang the lights on the tree, prepare the track for the annual sled-a-thon, and last, but not least, tonight is our yearly white elephant gift exchange.

(Everyone, except Muscle Man, groans)

Muscle Man: Whoo! Hear that, sugar plums? White Elephant. You all know Muscle Man brings it with the gifts. I'm gonna start bringing in the holiday cheer right now!

(He takes off his shirt, swings his shirt over his head, and leaves)

Muscle Man (continued): Whooooooo!!!

(Circle-wipe transfers to everyone in Benson's office, and they start complaining)

Rigby: Benson, you've gotta call off the white elephant.

Mordecai: Yeah, you know Muscle Man always pranks us by getting terrible gifts.

Pops: Every year, his gifts ruin Christmas.

Hi-Five Ghost: Yeah, I love the guy, but he doesn't know when to quit.

Skips: You remember the glove incident?

(Benson covers his mouth to stop himself from throwing up, and then breaths)

Benson: Don't remind me. Every time, you think you're gonna get something you want, then bam! Muscle Man swoops in, steals your good gift, and you're stuck with his prank one. But this year's gonna be different, this year, we're gonna give him the horrible gifts.

Mordecai: Really?

Hi-Five Ghost: Okay.

Rigby: Nice.

Mordecai: But there's no way of knowing if he'll pick the right gift.

Skips: It's impossible to rig it.

Benson: It's not impossible if the odds are stacked in your favor.

Rigby: What do you mean?

Benson: I mean, I've got a plan.

(Scenario begins to everyone in the living room during the white elephant gift exchange)

Benson (V.O): The order of the white elephant gift exchange is decided by picking random numbers out of a hat.

Benson: Next up is, Number 6!

Rigby: OOOOOOOH! Lucky number 6!

Benson (V.O): But what if it wasn't random? What if we write the exact same number on every slip of paper, pretend to have our numbers called?

Rigby: Lucky number 6! (He picks up a gift and prepares to open it) I wonder what it could be!

Benson (VO): Yes what could it be? What's something Muscle Man wouldn't want to steal, something that even he would find absolutely horrible?

(Rigby opens the gift)

Skips (V.O): Deodorant.

Pops (V.O): Oooh, a new tie!

Hi-Five Ghost (V.O): A Hugstable doll?

Benson: Close, but no.

(A salad bowl and spoon appear.)

Rigby: Aww, salad accessories?

Benson (VO): Yes, salad accessories! It's a known fact that Muscle Man hates anything salad related.

Others: Ahhhh! (all nod)

Benson (VO): Keep doing this gift after gift, nothing but salad accessories, until Muscle Man is the only one left in the game who hasn't stolen anything...

(Muscle Man makes a sour motion.)

Benson (VO): ...leaving him no choice but to pick the last remaining gift we set up for him. And when he goes to open the gift...

Others: Yeah? Yeah?

Benson: I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead.

(The others groan.)

Benson (continued): But that's where you guys come in. I already bought all the salad stuff. We just need to find something that will make the worst possible gift for Muscle Man.

Mordecai: Hmm hmm. With pleasure.

Rigby: Yeah, we could totally do that.

Benson: Alright then. Let's split up and get shopping. We're out for revenge here, people, so go, go, go!

(Cut to a food shop called Naughty 9 Cent. Fives can be heard laughing. Inside, he picks a can of tuna from a food aisle. Pops is with him.)

Hi Five Ghost: What about this? Can't get any worse than expired tuna.

Pops: Isn't that a bit much?

Hi Five Ghost: No way! Remember what he did to you at last year's White Elephant?

(Zoom in on Pops. A flashback to last year, where Pops' get a ship in a bottle as a gift.)

Pops: Oh, it's perfect! It looks just like the SS Constantinople!

Benson: I was hoping you'd pick that one, Pops.

Pops: I love it.

Muscle Man: Not so fast, Pops.

(Muscle Man holds up his number, which is unseen.)

Muscle Man (continued): It's my turn now, and I choose to steal...this gift!

(He steals Pops' gift, causing him to begin whimpering.)

Muscle Man (continued): Don't worry, Pops. It's all part of the game.

(He takes out a crudely wrapped gift.)

Muscle Man (continued): Now you get to open the last gift.

(He gives it to Pops.)

Pops: Oh!

(Pops closes his eyes and opens the gift. It is a bottle, but with black liquid inside.)

Pops (continued): Oooh, what on Earth is this?

(He takes off the cork in the bottle, and immediately gags at the stench.)

Muscle Man: It used to be ranch dressing 20 years ago, now boom! Brand new paperweight!

(Cut to Pops' shocked expression as Muscle Man laughs in the background.)

Pops: Nooo-hoooooo!

(Fades back to the present, where Pops has an angry expression on his face. We see an employee from the store,  who is confronted by Pops.)

Pops (continued): You there!

(He has his wallet of lollipops ready.)

Pops (continued): What's the worst expired food item you've got?!

(Clock wipe to Outdoorz and Morez.)

Rigby: Ooh! Dude!

(Inside, Mordecai and Rigby are staring down at an unseen - and supposedly large - item.)

Rigby (continued): We gotta get this!

Mordecai: I don't know. Don't you think this is too harsh?

Rigby: Oh, so Muscle Man's gifts were never too harsh?

(Mordecai has a thought. He flashbacks to another previous year of W.E., where Mordecai and Rigby are rolling around, scratching and yelling while wearing red sweaters. Pan to Muscle Man laughing.)

Muscle Man:  Itching powder in the sweater! Classic White Elephant gift.

Mordecai: Aaaah! It's in my eye!

(Scene pans out and the flashback ends.)

Mordecai (continued): You're right. It's not harsh at all. Let's buy it.

Mordecai and Rigby: Hmm-hmm-hmm! Hmm-hmm-hmm!

(Clock wipe to the alley. We pan over to Skips and Benson, who appear to be talking with someone.)

Benson: How much?

(The unknown person is in the darkness of the alley.)

???: $500 for the day.

(Skips puts a hand on Benson's shoulder.)

Skips: Benson, do you really wanna go through with this?

(We quickly zoom in on Benson as yet another flashback occurs. The guys are all together in the living room as Benson is wearing gloves he received from Muscle Man.)

Benson: Wow! These gloves are great!

Muscle Man: Do you think so?

(Benson feels them on his face.)

Benson: Yeah, they're so soft!

Muscle Man: Do you really think so?

Benson: Yeah, I do. Why?

Muscle Man: Because they're made of my old underwear!

(Benson immediately takes his hands off his face and sees the palms of the gloves have the oulines of underwear. He panics and tries to shake them off.)

Benson: Noooooooooooo!!

(The flashbacks ends.)

Benson (continued): I didn't wanna retire at 65 anyway.

(He gives the unseen stranger the $500.)

???: Pleasure doing business with ya.

(We fade back to the house while it's snowing)

Mordecai: Man, which one should we give him?

Rigby: I don't which one's worse?

Benson: All of them. ALL OF THEM! Put all of them together, NOW!

(A short montage of them putting the gifts together is shown with Benson laughing over it. Everybody starts to laugh, then there is a knock on the door, it's Muscle Man)

Benson: Okay, okay, okay! Cool it! He's here!

(He opens the door and sees Muscle Man with a big tall rectangular gift)

Muscle Man: Happy white elephant, Benson!

(an instrumental of Jingle Bells plays, as everyone fakes their number, picks up a salad accessory and Muscle Man laughs at them)

Muscle Man: Geez, what's with all the salad stuff? You guys on a diet or something?

Benson: Alright everybody, we're down to the last two gifts! I wonder what they could be!? Next up is number 6!

Rigby: OOOHHH! Lucky number six!

Benson: Rigby! Come on up and pick your gift!

Rigby: Hmm, which one? (he picks Muscle Man's gift)

Muscle Man: Good choice, bro! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!

Rigby: Heh-heh, yeah! I know!

Muscle Man: Good! I know you know!

Rigby: Heh, Well I know you know I know-


(Rigby gets a nervous face)

Benson: Open. it!

(Rigby gulps and opens it, it reveals to be a new HD TV with surrounding sound.)

Rigby: Huh? A new TV?

Muscle Man: Happy white elephant, bro!

Everyone: Huh, what?

Mordecai: Okay, what's the deal, Muscle Man?

Muscle Man: What are you talking about, bro?

Mordecai: Come on! We know this is a prank!

Rigby: Yeah, is this thing gonna electrocute me if I plug it in or something?

Muscle Man:No, bro! It's not a prank! It's an honest to goodness flat screen TV! (sighs) Look, I admit I may have not been the best White Elephant participant in the last few years. Some of you may have even called my pranks harsh or out of line and (he starts to cry a little) I thought this gift would bring us closer together! 'cause you guys are like my family! That's what the holidays are about: Family! (he bursts into tears then sniffs) Anyways, since there's nothing good left to steal, I'll just take this one.

(as he is about to open it, everyone else teleports to a white temple)

Everyone: Agh!

(There is a white elephant there)

White Elephant: Mordecai! Rigby! Others! You have ruined the spirit of the white elephant gift exchange! Now you get to spend all of eternity in my temple of gifts! PS! You don't get to open the gifts!

Rigby: Aw man!

Benson: Look, I know we went a little overboard with the prank gift for Muscle Man! But didn't you see the gifts he gave us? The ranch dressing, the sweaters, the underwear gloves?! I could go on!

White Elephant: You're not supposed to get gifts you like! You're supposed to give gifts you don't like! That's what makes it fun! Except you had to go and rig the game and get revenge! Well, I hope you're happy with yourselves!

Benson: I guess he's right. Maybe we got too hung up on it.

Skips: It really is just a silly game after all.

Hi Five Ghost: And he did give us that sweet TV.

Mordecai: Yeah! Muscle Man was just trying to have a good time. And maybe that's what we should do, too. Mr. White Elephant, sir?

White Elephant: Yes?

Mordecai: Send us back so we can stop Muscle Man from opening that gift!

White Elephant: Well, I don't know. I've never really done that before. I suppose you could go home. Or you could see what's in this box! (he has a box on his trunk and he moves it up and down)

Rigby: Can we see what's in it first? (he gets punched by Mordecai)

Mordecai: No thanks, I think we'll just go home!

White Elephant: Fine. (everybody teleports back home)

(Muscle Man goes to open the gift, but Benson stops him)

Benson: Muscle Man, wait!

Muscle Man: What is it, bro?

Benson: Well, the truth is...

Rigby: Benson, wait! (Reveals that the TV box has actually has boxes of old chow mein noodles inside of it) It's not a TV, It's just a box full of old Chinese food!

Everyone: What!?

Muscle Man: Hahahahahaha! Got you, bros! Heartfelt speech get's them every time! Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahah! But what were you gonna say, Benson?

(Benson looks at everyone else, they nod, then Benson turns to Muscle Man)

Benson: Enjoy opening that gift.

Muscle Man: (he gets slower as he speaks) Okay bro! (he pulls the bow)

(As Holly Jolly Christmas plays, clam Chowder splashes all over his face, he falls and pulls an other bow, then he is seen saying "Oh, no, bro!" as a dispenser throwing itchy sweaters and underwear balls at him, everyone laughs and Rigby is filming him while Benson munches on cookies, then Muscle Man then pulls another one, then an elf comes out and beats him up)

Skips: Now this is fun!

(Everybody laughs as the screen zooms out of the house and reveals they are in a snow globe in the white elephant's box, he winks and walks away)

(Episode ends)