(Episode starts showing a door marked "Authorized Personnel Only". Inside the room, a bucket of water and a mop lie forgotten on the floor. A video game called "Space Race Deluxe" sits in the corner with a chuckling Mordecai and Rigby playing it.)
Rigby: Okay, last lap of the race! (he glances to a screen) Right turn coming up on the radar!
Mordecai: Doin' it! (the racecar makes the turn) Boost me! (Rigby pulls a lever down. The duo's car shoots past another car and crosses the finish line and a screen of high scores pops up. Mordecai and Rigby are at the very top.)
Colonel Rawls: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!
Mordecai and Rigby: Uh...
(cut to Rawls in front of Mordecai, Rigby, and the park crew, pacing back and forth)
Rawls: How many times do I have to explain what "authorized personnel only" means? Are you authorized personnel, boys? Are you?!
Mordecai and Rigby: No, sir. Sorry, sir.
Rawls: Now get down and give me fifty!
Mordecai and Rigby: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. (they drop to the floor)
Rawls: -is what I would've said if you hadn't gotten the highest score in Space Race Deluxe I've ever seen!
Mordecai: You mean that video game?
Rawls: That isn't a video game, boys. (As Mordecai and Rigby stand up, he uses a remote to reveal a racing poster, a fireplace, and some pictures behind a wall.) It's a racing simulator for the station racing league: the Interstation Five Thousand, an annual competition between all the stations in the area! For five years, the Space Bush has held the Interstation trophy, but this could be the year I finally beat Tanner and win that milk can! (he sighs) When I feel that milk pour over my body, it'll feel like I'm born again as a champion! (he puts his hands on Mordecai and Rigby's shoulders) I need you boys to race for me.
Mordecai and Rigby: Okay.
Benson: Why are we here?
Rawls: Uh, you're the pit crew.
Benson: How are we gonna be the pit crew? This is crazy! Are we gonna get trained?
Rawls: Ha, ha! You think I hadn't thought of that?
(cut to a large metal door opening, where Rawls and the park crew run into two men with jackets, hats, and sunglasses.)
Rawls: Meet Hans and Lars. They're our best racers, or at least they were, until you guys beat their high score in the racing simulator!
Hans: (he speaks in a Danish accent) What? These nobodies beat our score? That's impossible!
Mordecai: Well, it was an accident.
Rigby: Yeah. We didn't know it was gonna be that easy.
(Lars spits out his drink)
Lars: (also speaks in a Danish accent) Easy?! Did you say "easy"?
Rawls: Ah, don't get all sour, Larsy. Everyone loses their edge at some point.
Hans: Edge? We have edge!
Lars: Yah, look at the edges! (the duo show off their chins and hair in a fashionable manner)
Hans: We were born to race!
Rawls: And that's why you're gonna teach Mordecai, Rigby, and their crew everything you know!
Hans: No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Nein! Nein! We do not "teach"!
Rawls: Well, you certainly haven't brought home the milk can for me in years, so I think it's time to try something new!
Hans: Rawls! Wait!
Rawls: Just get them ready for the big race! Hoo-ah! (he leaves)
Rigby: So, what's first?
Hans: What's first is us! We are always first! Get it through your thick head! We have better things to do than babysit you babies! (he walks away)
Lars: Yah. My cappuccino is now cold and it's going to take me a while to make a new one. Sorry. (he leaves as well, leaving the park crew alone)
Skips: I've always hated hotshot racers.
Rigby: Well, what are we gonna do? I mean, video simulators are one thing, but I have no idea what to do with this big hunk of metal.
Toothpick Sally: Well, I can teach ya. (she slides out from underneath a vehicle she was doing maintenance on)
Everyone: Toothpick Sally?
Skips: Were you under there the whole time?
Sally: Yeah. I grew up around these tracks. (she stands up and walks to Mordecai and Rigby) And first of all, they're not big hunks of metal. They're BHM racers! That's lesson one. Now, if you do what I say, I can get you up to speed.
Rigby: Yeah, but aren't Hans and Lars like the best racers ever?
Sally: Yeah, well, who do you think taught them? (she winks at them, but they are silent)
Mordecai: Was it you?
Sally: (in frustration) YES! Let's just get started.
(A montage begins as Mordecai and Rigby suit up in green Space Tree racing uniforms. They enter the racing machine on a testing track and buckle up while Mordecai starts the machine up. They think they have the hang of it, but when Mordecai uses the throttle, the machine lurches sideways and smashes into some crates. Sally facepalms and shakes her head.
Later, when the duo are driving down the track, the rest of the park crew practice their pit crew duties. First, a large pit ship hovers over Mordecai and Rigby's vehicle and everyone runs down. While Benson gives instructions, Skips and Eileen fix the engine, Muscle Man and High Five Ghost change out the wheels, and Pops hydrates Mordecai and Rigby with drinks. Everyone is completely sloppy, with Muscle Man breaking a wheel after smacking it with a wrench, Pops spilling the drink on Mordecai, and Skips getting sprayed in the face with oil.
Over time, Mordecai and Rigby zoom around the test track with ease while Sally times them. Mordecai handles the steering while Rigby assists with a radar screen in the back, just like the simulator. He informs Mordecai of an incoming turn, but Mordecai scratches the wall when he makes the turn too late. The pit ship flies in and everyone goes to work, with Benson joining Pops in giving drinks to Mordecai and Rigby. Everyone does fairly better as Muscle Man and Fives replace the wheel and Skips uses a repair-bot on the engine. When the pit ship departs, the duo approach another turn and go through it flawlessly. As they cheer, Rawls and Sally watch them with binoculars.)
Sally: They're ready.
(Later, the big race is about to begin. All of the space stations are gathered near a large arena: the starting line of the Interstation 5000.)
Race Announcer: Welcome to the Interstation Five Thousand, sponsored by Anderson Farms Dairy! (Down on the track, Mordecai and Rigby laugh and slap each others' helmets. On a viewing platform, the commanders of the space stations observe the racers.)
Sergeant Tanner: That's your best team, huh, Rawls?
Rawls: We're getting that can back to the Space Tree, Tanner! That milk is gonna be all over my body! (On the track, the racing vehicles are in position... all but one.)
Mordecai: Heh, looks like the Space Bush is a no-show. (Just then, the Space Bush racers appear, who are none other than Hans and Lars)
Hans: Howdy, losers!
Mordecai: What the heck?! You guys work for the Space Tree!
Hans: Not anymore! We're racing for Herr Tanner now! (he laughs)
Rawls: Tanner! You lousy-!
Tanner: May the best team win! Hahahaha!
Race Announcer: It's the moment you've been waiting for, folks. RACER ROLL CALL!
Mordecai and Rigby: Space Tree, check!
Jolene and Bruce: Space Log, check!
Jean and Philippe: Space Flower, check!
Takeshi and Kokei: Space Mushroom, hai! (they cross their arms)
Hans and Lars: Space Bush, check!
Angel and Boxer: (they tap on their helmets) Space Rock, check!
(the racing machines activate and lift off the ground)
Mordecai: Anti one-straight-four.
Rigby: Anti one-straight-four, check. (their vehicle activates)
Race Announcer: Initiate track railgun! (Guardrails rise and the racers start to loop around the track several times. Pops' hat is blown off from the wind picked up. The racers starts to build up speed and energy. A red light shines and Mordecai grips the steering controls tightly. An orange light shines and the Space Rock racers glance at each other. A yellow light shines and one of the Space Mushroom racers pops her bubble gum. The green light shines... and the race is on.
The track readjusts to shoot out into space and the racers roar down the track. Mordecai and Rigby cry out before they are treated to the sight of a winding course and a nearby ringed planet.)
Mordecai and Rigby: Whoa...
Rigby: Turn's coming up!
The racers speed through the course, fighting for first place.)
Lars: Open right.
Hans: Open right, check. (he steers their vehicle into an open position)
Race Announcer: Looks like Hans and Lars of Space Bush have taken the immediate lead while racers from Log and Mushroom try to close the gap.
(On another turn, Mordecai and Rigby hit the guardrail and scream. They steer away, right up to the Space Log racers.)
Bruce: Hey, Jolene! We got some tree boys over here!
Jolene: Looks like they could use an arborist! (the Space Log racers ram Mordecai and Rigby. Seeing this on the live feed, the pit crew gasps.)
Rigby: We're losing ground!
(Mordecai pulls down on the stick, cutting the engine and dropping behind the Space Log vehicle. Once behind it, Mordecai guns the engine and zooms through the vehicle, severing it in two and sending each half careening into space, where they explode. Hans sees this in his rearview mirror. The leaderboard changes so that Mordecai and Rigby are now in fifth place.
The racers are now approaching a risen portion of the track.)
Mordecai: Rigby! What's over this hill?
Rigby: I don't know! It's just a bunch of blobs!
Lars: Buttoning shield!
Hans: Buttoning shield, check!
(Takeshi and Kokei shout in Japanese and activate their own shield. Soon, all vehicles but Mordecai and Rigby's have shields equipped.)
Mordecai: Dude, do we have a shield?
Rigby: I don't know! I don't see a button for it!
(small pebbles bounce off the other racers, but cracks Mordecai and Rigby's canopy)
Mordecai: What's one little hole, right? (the words "Oxygen Depleting" appear on his screen and a bar starts to drop. Up ahead, the duo see that they are entering an...)
Mordecai and Rigby: ASTEROID FIELD!
(Hans and Lars skillfully avoid an asteroid that destroys Space Flower. Philippe lands on the Space Tree racer's canopy.)
Phillippe: I just wanted to win that milk can! (he freezes up in the vacuum of space and shatters from another asteroid)
Mordecai and Rigby: AAAAH!
Mordecai: Fix the hole! Fix the hole!
Rigby: With what?!
Mordecai: I dunno, just fix it!
(Rigby sees a speed stick and grabs it. He tries to plug it into the hole, but Mordecai's steering to avoid asteroids throws off his aim.)
Rigby: Keep it still!
(The vehicle's oxygen levels are getting low. The racers zoom between two large asteroids while Hans and Lars deploy a small robot from their vehicle. It attaches itself to Mordecai and Rigby's vehicle from underneath. Rigby manages to get the speed stick into the hole, stabilizing the oxygen levels.)
Rigby: I got it!
(the vehicle's front grill suddenly drops and bursts into flame)
Mordecai: What did you do?!
Rigby: I didn't do anything! (the back wheel comes off and the vehicle spins out of control while the duo scream. From the arena, everyone gasps.)
Sally: Pit crew, to your stations! Mordecai, Rigby, standby! (everyone runs off and presses a button to activate their space helmets. They board the pit ship and take off. Back on the track, Mordecai and Rigby continue to spin out of control as the racers launch off the track and descend down to the planet.)
Mordecai and Rigby: AAAAH!
Lars: Entering atmosphere.
(the racers break through the atmosphere and aim for a hole in the planet's surface)
Rigby: Where's that pit ship?!
Benson: Right here!
(the pit ship docks with the racing vehicle. Pops nervously steps onto the ship at a downward angle, magnetic boots activating. Everyone does their tasks with Muscle Man replacing the broken wheel, Pops giving a drink to Mordecai, and Eileen investigating the engine.)
Eileen: Ow! Huh? (she pulls out the robot and shows it to the duo) It's Hans and Lars' ratchet-bot! They've been sabotaging you this whole time!
Benson: We're getting too close to the surface! We gotta get outta here! (the pit ship pulls away)
Lars: Prepare for core dive.
Hans: Core dive, check.
(The racers dive through the hole and continue underground. Takeshi and Kokei just crash into the ground, taking Space Mushroom out of the race.)
Race Announcer: Wow, those guys are really not living anymore!
(Mordecai and Rigby are now in third place. They scream as they dive through the hole and close in on the remaining racers.)
Rigby: Other racers, coming up! (Hans notices the other racers as well)
Hans: Car insurance!
Lars: (holds a harpoon gun) Car insurance, check. (the canopy opens and he takes aim at Mordecai and Rigby. He misses, hitting the Space Rock racers instead and destroying their vehicle. Mordecai and Rigby yell in surprise while Lars groans)
(Back in the arena, the screen is black with the words "Lost Signal")
Race Announcer: Well, folks, looks like they've gone so deep inside the planet's crust we lost the signal! Nothing to do now but see who comes out the other side for the win! (the screen changes to the finish line by another hole)
Eileen: Come on, come on!
(Back on the course)
Rigby: Core's coming up!
Mordecai: We need more speed!
Rigby: I'm ejecting the body! I think... (he presses a button and part of the vehicle detaches, allowing them to catch up to Hans and Lars)
Mordecai: Dudes! Why are you being such jerks?!
Lars: You think you just get to come into space, beat us in the simulator, and then expect us to train you to replace us?
Hans: This is between you and us! (he slams Mordecai and Rigby's vehicle, but the duo quickly turn the tables on them and ram into them. Hans and Lars groan.)
Mordecai: Hey, Rigby! How'd we beat their score in the simulator?
Rigby: Good question, Mordecai! Didn't we use a speed stick and win?
Mordecai: I don't remember! Let's find out!
(Rigby grabs the speed stick, shattering the canopy in the process. He shoves it into its slot and the vehicle gets a burst of speed. Hoping to catch up, Lars does the same to their vehicle. Both vehicles speed through the crust and water flies from the duo's eyes.
Rigby: WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO THE FINISH LINE!
Mordecai: MOORE SPEEED!
(Rigby presses the speed stick in deeper. As Hans and Lars gain on them, Mordecai struggles to speak with the intense gale forces.)
Mordecai: FASTER, RIGBYYYY!
Rigby: THEY'RE ALMOST THEEEEERE!
(Rigby pushes the stick in as hard as he can. Hans and Lars ram Mordecai and Rigby from behind before zooming ahead of them, laughing.)
Rigby: Finish line is coming up!
(The finish line awaits, but Hans and Lars are in the lead.)
Mordecai: Gravity's pulling us back in! We won't get to the surface!
Rigby: Our car is lighter than theirs! We can make it!
(Rigby gets out of his seat and climbs towards the edge of the vehicle)
Hans: Go! Get out there!
Lars: Alright! Getting out there, check. (he climbs out as well)
Rigby: Hm! Hm-hm!
(The two vehicles come out into the surface and head for the finish line. Rigby and Lars leap for the banner... and Rigby cuts it with his hand. Mordecai jumps out of his vehicle as gravity starts to take hold, pulling both vehicles back down... along with Hans and Lars.)
(The Space Tree has won the Interstation 5000. Everyone cheers in celebration back at the arena, holding the milk can as their prize with Muscle Man spinning his shirt)
Mordecai and Rigby: WHOOOOA!
Rawls: Yeah! Woo! Hahaha! Congratulations, boys! You did a great job out there!
Mordecai and Rigby: Thank you, sir!
Rawls: Now, let's partaa- (Mordecai and Rigby dump the milk can on Rawls, who tenses up and growls while dripping with milk. The duo freeze and everyone gasps, fearing Rawls will furiously yell at them... but instead, Rawls laughs and rubs himself.) Yes! All over my body! Oh, so smooth...
(End of The Space Race)