(Rigby snoring and waking up to his grumbling stomach)
Rigby: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Ah, yeah-yuh! Pizza pouch!
CIA Agent: Stop! Drop the bag!
(Thomas dodges a stick that the CIA agent tries to hit him with, and chokes him)
Thomas: (Russian Accent) Sweet dreams, Cartwright.
Rigby: Thomas? Hey, what's goin on man?
Thomas: (Normal voice) Not much.
Rigby: Is that dude okay?
Thomas: Hey, this is weird, right? I mean, I'm doing martial arts, that guy's dressed up like garbage can and totally still alive. I think you're in a dream, dude.
(Rigby chewing and agreeing)
Rigby: Wait, I--AH! (Rigby screaming and losing consciousness)
Thomas: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...
(Rigby falls into the ground and cuts to the morning, where the alarm clock is ringing and Rigby wakes up again, groaning)
Mordecai: Rigby, staff meeting! Did you go on pizza pouch bender again last night? Come on!
Rigby: Last night? Thomas!
Benson: Guys, it finally happened. I met the perfect girl! Her name is Natalie, and she's a preschool teacher. I will be showing her around the park today. So your only duties are to leave us alone. Just leave me and Natalie alone, people!
(Rigby raises his hand)
Benson: No you can't use the bathroom, Rigby.
Rigby: That's not what I was gonna s--
Mordecai: You know, Rigby has a point. What about Audrey?
Benson: We broke up, remember?
Pops: I don't recall.
Benson: I was sad for months? I loafed around the house?
Benson: Muscle Man and Pops, you took me to get ice cream. Skips, you made me train for that marathon. In fact, all you guys had a role in my lengthy healing process!
Skips: I don't remember any of this.
Benson: SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS! Today is Thomas' last day. Now keep this under wraps, guys cause I want to surprise him. At the end of the day, I'm offering Thomas a full-time job!
(Everyone cheers except Rigby)
Muscle Man: Oh, yeah! I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees how I prank the new hires!
Skips: You know, we don't normally hire interns, but Thomas has really been killing it lately. They're killing it in the park!
Rigby: AHHH! Listen to me! I was eating a pizza pouch late last night, and I hear something behind of the house, right? When I go look, I see Thomas take some guy out! I think he was speaking Russian too.
Mordecai: Yeah, right, Thomas? (Scoffs) It was a dream, dude.
Benson: You were having a cheese and grease induced nightmare.
Rigby: Oh, I get it! Let's all gang up on Rigby. I'll show you it wasn't a dream!
Rigby: See? This grease spot is where I dropped my pizza pouch. (Gasps) Signs of a struggle!
Thomas: Hey, guys! Got the coffee. Wait, what are all you doing behind the house? You don't have anymore surprises on my last day, do you?
(Everyone except Rigby laughs)
Muscle Man: Oh, man, you don't even know.
Thomas: Let's see.
Rigby: That's the duffle bag he had last night.
Thomas: Got a tripple espresso--
(Rigby jumps over Thomas, spilling the coffee and taking the duffle bag)
Rigby: This is gonna prove it!
Benson: Thomas, are you okay?
(Rigby opens the bag)
Thomas: That's just my dirty laundry, dude.
Muscle Man: Totally uncalled for, bro.
Rigby: But... it wasn't a dream! I'm onto you, Thomas!
Thomas: What just happened?
(Scene transitions to Thomas driving a cart)
Thomas: Oh, hello, mom. Oh yeah, everything's great.
Rigby: What's he saying?
Thomas: No, exactly, yep, yep, Russian.
Rigby: Russian? What the heck is going on?
Thomas: Understood, bye, mom.
(Thomas puts his phone back to his pocket, he picks up his duffle bag, gets on the cart and drives off as Rigby runs towards the fountain)
Rigby: It's just a sprinkler head. Wait, what's that?
(He looks at the sprinkler head and it says "OCTOPOЖHO!")
Rigby: (Gasps) Russian writing? What's he up too?
(We cut the scene to see Benson walking with Natalie)
Benson: So, this is the house where the worker stay, and this is the garage, I keep my rakes and shovels in here.
Natalie: Ooh, rakes! (She takes a picture with her camera) I like a man who takes care of public parks.
Benson: Well, someone's gotta do it.
Natalie: (She shuts Benson's mouth with her finger) Benson, why don't we finish this conservation somewhere more... public?
Benson: Uh... Sure. I could show you the A.V. Club. People go there sometimes.
(The camera moves right to see Rigby pops out of the bush)
Rigby: Huh. I was sure Benson was lying about that date.
(He jumps off the bush. Later we see Mordecai, High Five Ghost and Muscle Man eating sandwiches)
Muscle Man: Just so we're all in agreement, Benson was totally lying about that date, right?
(Rigby comes in the Kitchen holding a bunch of sprinkler heads)
Rigby: You guys, Thomas is up to something and I have proof! I caught Thomas red handed installing... these.
(He drops the sprinkler heads)
Muscle Man: Sprinkler heads, wow, you really cracked the case, Sherlock.
(Mordecai, Muscle Man and High Five Ghost laugh)
Rigby: It's not just a sprinkler head, smart guy! (He holds up the sprinkler head) Look! It's got some kind of Russian warning on it, and while Thomas was messing with it, he got a phone call and I totally heard him say "Russian."
Mordecai: Come on, man, Thomas can't speak Russian. You probably just heard him wrong.
Rigby: I know what I heard!
Muscle Man: Pfft. You're jealous, bro. You're just trying to make him look bad.
Rigby: What? Why would I do that?
(Muscle Man eats the whole sandwich)
Muscle Man: Duh as the intern he's been stuck with all the cruddy job you use to do. (He gets off the chair) You worry that if he gets hired full-time. You'll have to do them again, chips.
(High Five Ghost shake his head no)
Rigby: That's not true. I never did that stuff even when it's my full responsibility.
(Muscle Man walks to the desk)
Muscle Man: Like I say I get it. When you guys got a hire I was nervous too, I use to kick leafs everywhere after you rake them so Benson had think you we're slaking off.
(He opens the handle as Mordecai, Rigby and High Five Ghost scream to see the guy that knocked out by Thomas was inside the Cupboard)
Muscle Man: Get over it guys, that was like years ago.
(Muscle Man tries to get the bag of chips but he touch the guy's face as Mordecai, Rigby and High Five Ghost are yelling "Uuuhhh")
Muscle Man: (Continues) Chill out bros. (Touches the guy's eye, then his nose and then his tongue) Now where are those chips. (He grabs the guy's face and then fell on Muscle Man as he screams)
Mordecai: Muscle Man!
Muscle Man: Get it off! Get if off! I never fear of being trapped under an unresponsive guy!
(Mordecai and Rigby lift the unresponsive guy off of Muscle Man as we see the letter that says C.I.A.)
Mordecai: (Gasp) This guy is from the C.I.A.
Rigby: That's him! That's the guy "Thomas was fighting last night!"
(Fart sound start)
Muscle Man: Okay, this guy is not dead, because that definitely wasn't me.
Mordecai: Okay, okay, nobody panic.
(We hear the doorbell ring as the guys turn heads to see and open the door slowly and someone is knocking the door)
Rigby: Uh who is it?
Russian Spy #1: Is "American Intern Society of America" is urgent respect to "Thomas".
Russian Spy #1: I need to give him exit interview before he can get proper credit.
Russian Spy #2: It's very important.
Rigby: Dude you hear those accent! "Russian" those guys are probably Thomas' assassin buddies or something.
Mordecai: Yeah this doesn't feel right. Rigby lets go find Benson, Muscle Man, Fives you two stall these goons until we get back.
Muscle Man & High Five Ghost: Right.
(They close the door. Later Mordecai and Rigby arrive at device storage and they open the door)
Mordecai: Hello. Benson. Are you in here?
Rigby: Whoa. Have you ever seen this door before?
Mordecai: Maybe he's in here?
(Pushes the desk revealing a secret base and we see Skips and Pops tied up with duct tape cover their mouth)
M&R: Pops! Skips!
Rigby: Whoa! What happened?!
(Skips and Pops try to talk but their mouth have duct tape on them)
Benson: I recorded my parents' vow renewal on it.
Mordecai: Shh! It's Benson.
Natalie: Enough Talk. Give me your hands.
(We hear handcuffs coming from outside of the door)
Benson: Oh! Handcuffs. Not sure that these are-
(She kicks Benson into the secret base into the ground and looks at Mordecai, Rigby, Skips and Pops)
Benson (countined): What are you guys doing here? And what room is this? What's all this stuff?
Rigby: We don't know, but we're pretty sure Thomas has something to do with it. There was a guy in the cupboard, and we're pretty sure he did that, too.
Mordecai: I think we stumbled on something really big.
Benson: What guy? What are you talking a-
(We hear a slow clap revealing Natalie walking inside the secret base)
Natalie (In her Russian Accent): I know you Americans love the ironic slow clap.
Benson: Natalie? What's with the accent? What is all this?
Natalie (continued in her Russian Accent): I am not Natalie, I am Natalia! And I am not lowly pre-school teacher. I am Russian spy!
Natalia: So clever, you Americans, only took two years to figure out things at park were not what they seem. And I am not only one right under your ignorant noses. One of your own has been conspiring against you.
Benson: What? Who would do that? Natalie, you're acting crazy. Natalia: Oh, sweet Benson, why don't you let him tell you himself. Nikolai!
(We cut the scene of the door still open, then we seeing who Nikolai is, revealing Thomas as the guys gasp in horror)
Benson (continued): Thomas, why did you step out when she called for Nikolai?
Nikolai (in Russian accent): Because my name is not Thomas. It is Nikolai, and I am a Russian spy.
(The shocking music starts as the guys are shocked to find out Thomas/Nikolai is a Russian spy)
(The shocking music continues)
Mordecai: Dude, for real?
Nikolai: (Coughing his throat) Yeah, I am Russian spy.
(The shocking music starts again)
Rigby: Oh snap! Now we're all boned! And guess who didn't believe me. You and you and you and-
(Natalia punches Rigby)
Natalia: Silence, rat!
Mordecai: But Thomas, how could this be?
Nikolai: I was born on a cold winter's night in Kiev. (Flashback starts with a hooded person carrying Nikolai as a baby and place him outside of the door) But I was abandoned as a baby and declared property of the state. (One of the Russian military found him. Cut to Nikolai training) The K.G.B. raised me to be the perfect weapon, no family or loyalties except for mother Russia. (Cut to M.O.M.M. HQ) Some years ago I was embraced by a new mom. The Ministry of Meadow Management. A.K.G.B. Agency dedicated to park research and espionage. (Then we many children and people are not having fun at the not looking park) Russian park technology is decades behind the rest of the world. In the world theater, we are a laughingstock. What made american parks so good? We couldn't crack it. The order came from Commander Romanoff, Operation P.A.R.K.L.I.F.T. We would uptain bougus conditials and sneak into the states. I would become "Thomas", an average college student. We entered the US, with surprising little assistants. Phase 1: Travel through target site, inquire about entership opportunities, said I'll work for free, at the first chance possible, I would risk my life for the park, I would gain my co-workers trust. I would fade into the background. I would say to almost nothing. Phase 2: Make perorations for Phase 3. Execute Phase 4 orders, transmit phase 5 intelligence, relating to phase 6: silencing potential threats to Phase 7.
Benson: Huh? Well on some level that kindda flattering. We must be doing something right if Russia is swapping from our park.
Natalia: Darling. On the contrary.
(She pushes Benson away)
Nikolai: This park is astonishingly average. We plan on infiltrating other, like, way better parks if this trial succeeds.
Skips: It just doesn't add up. How are we never seeing you doing any of this?
Nikolai: I had my ways.
(Another flashback starts)
Flashback Skips: Okay, everybody got all their stuff. Let's save Christmas.
(They leave the house, as Thomas/Nikolai gets out)
Nikolai: Being an intern was the perfect cover.
(As they loading the machine, Thomas's watch beeps and he went back inside and get back stuck between the stairs, and put a Christmas declaration around his neck, as the others got back)
Flashback Benson: Thomas!
Nikolai: No one suspects the intern. We are the lowest rung on the ladder.
Flashback Thomas/Nikolai: Oh, you're in luck I know a guy in the rock climbing department.
Nikolai: Your low expectations kept you blind to what was right in front of you.
Flashback Benson: Hey are my favorite mother and son doing?
Thomas' Mom: (In a robotic voice) Fantasic Benson.
Flashback Thomas/Nikolai: Hey, Benson, could you tell me how the park electrical grid works again?
Flashback Benson: Sure. The first thing you got to know about is the breakers.
Flashback Thomas/Nikolai: Uh, could you talk into the pepperoni?
Flashback Benson: The first thing you got to know about-
Rigby: So you're mom was Natalia in disguise.
Nikolai: No, no. She was a robot.
Natalia: (talks to someone on the earphone) Yes. Romanoff, we have them now. Yes. He's here.
Mordecai: Thomas, how could you do this to us?
Rigby: Yeah man.
Nikolai: It's my job guys.
Nikolai: Natalia, what did the commander want?
Natalia: That's on a need to know basis, Nikolai. Let's move.
(Cut back to spies at the house)
Russian Spy #1: We just want validate units. We have certificate.
Muscle Man: Uh, we don't need any bro.
(The spies gets the column and tries to break the door down twice, as they tried to knock it down the third time, Muscle Man opens the door, and they went in and got hurt, and Muscle Man knocks him out)
Muscle Man: Let's find Mordo and Rigs.
(They run to find Mordecai and Rigby, but they see something)
Muscle Man: Get down!
(They see the heroes tied up and then a van shows up)
Anatoly: Anatoly. Pleased to make acquaintance. Special delivery.
Natalia: Get in van!
(Thomas reveals a control box from his duffel bag)
Rigby: (gasps) I knew it!
(Thomas puts his thumb on the control box)
Computer: Identy verified. Welcome Nikolai.
Thomas: Arming system. (he presses a button and the whole park is scanned) Perimeter armed and secure. Anatoly, did you pick out an album?
Anatoly: Covered, boss. (he walks off to put a mixtape in the van)
Thomas: Phase 8 in 10, 9, 8...
Rigby: What's Phase 8?
Thomas: 7, 6, (the 1991 Russian National Anthem plays through some speakers), 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! (he presses two buttons, there are multiple explosions on the ground, church domes, Russian icons and CCCP rockets grow through the ground, some police cars are seen driving towards the park, but stop as it flies into the air, it begins to fly towards Russia)
(everybody but Thomas, Natalie and Anatoly scream)
Thomas: We are headed to mother Russia, there, you will be put into a hard labor camp. Forced to do unskilled, demeaning labor for the rest of your lives! (the music ends) Which, come to think of it, isn't too different from your lives now.
Natalie: Nikolai! New orders from Romanoff!
Thomas: I'll be up top, controlling the park!
Natalie: We must get in the chopper!
Thomas: Anatoly will ensure your safety on the ground! (Thomas jumps into the chopper)
Rigby: We gotta stop this!
Mordecai: Set us free!
Anatoly: Set you free? I'll set you free, at bottom of sea! (he laughs)
(cut to a summit between the Americans and Russians)
Guy: Mr. President, sir! Something you need to see, sir! It's a matter of national security! (he shows him a tablet showing the park moving towards Russia) Our radars have detected a hgiant land formation, flying towards the Russian border!
President Davis: What? What does this mean?
McMurphy: I'll tell you what this means! The Russians are stealing a piece of America!
Premier Koshkov: What? You insult us with these accusations!
Guy: I'm afraid we're going to have to take action, sir! If our land reaches their border, the Russian military will intercept it and we'll never get it back!
(the two country leaders stare at eachother)
(cut to the van)
(Rigby uses the sprinkler he found and cuts off his rope)
(Anatoly looks in the mirror)
(Skips breaks the ropes)
Anatoly: Stop trying to escape! Tie yourselves back up!
(Then they hear a horn and look back to see Muscle Man and High Five Ghost driving the cart)
Rigby: Muscle Man & Fives!
Anatoly: What? No! Stop trying to rescue them!
(Rigby opens the door)
Rigby: Muscle Man!
Muscle Man: You gotta jump for it bros!
Anatoly: No! Don't jump for it, bros!
(Benson jumps to the cart)
Anatoly: AAAARG!! Stop jumping for it! I'm gonna get fired!
(Mordecai jumps to the cart as Muscle Man steps on the breaks as the Russian driver in the van falls down)
Anatoly: I've should have step on brake break before going off this clii...(goes underwater and kills him)
Muscle Man: He's got a point.
Skips: So what's the plan now? How do we stop this thing?!
(They look up the chopper. Inside Nikolai was stilling holding the control box controlling the park)
Rigby: I bet if we can take that control box away from Thomas, we can turn the park around.
Mordecai: But how do we catch that chopper?
Pops: I know how.
(Mordecai, Rigby, Benson and Pops are all in Carmenita driving up to the chopper, the screen cuts to two American commanders)
Commander: Status report, private!
Private: At this rate, the landmass with reach Russian airspace within the hour, sir!
Commander: Great Scott!
(cut to Thomas and Natalie in the chopper)
Thomas: As an intern, I was pranked mercilessly, those Americans could be jerks!
Natalie: Well you don't have to worry about that now, because they're dead!
Thomas: What? That wasn't part of the plan! Nobody was supposed to get hurt!
Natalie: Well, it became part of the plan!
(Thomas hears Carmenita's horn, looks behind him and sees that Mordecai, Rigby, Benson and Pops are in the car)
Thomas: They're behind us!
Benson: Come on, Pops! Bring us in, close!
(Pops drives closer to the chopper, Mordecai, Rigby and Benson jump out while Pops drives off, Natalie starts to clap slowly again)
Natalie: Two slow claps in one day! Must be doing good, Americans! But not good enough!
Benson: You're not stealing our park!
Natalie: You don't know how right you are.
Natalie: We are not stealing it. I wonder if you remember US/Russian Nuclear Arms treaty? Treaty says we cannot fire Russian weapons on American soil. This is rule. But, what if we don't fire Russian weapon at all? What rule do we break then, hmm?
Rigby: What are you saying?
Natalie: Even now, we approach the Mother Land! On coast is secret missile base! They will give order and the most powerful destructive missile in Russia, will be placed right in the park's fight path! And thustly, we bring America to missile!
(cut to the summit, everybody is complaining)
President Davis: This is an act of aggression!
Clifton: Admit it! You're going to blow up America piece by piece!
Premier Koshkov: We cannot help it if Americans are throwing their country onto our warheads. Typical act of American passive-aggression.
President Davis: This is a violation of the treaty!
Premier Koshkov: How? We aren't firing any missiles!
Karpov: Why are you hitting yourself, America?
McMurphy: Well, he's got us there, Mr. Davis!
President Davis: Wait, aren't you blowing up part of your own country in the process?
Premier Koshkov: Meh, it's a big country.
(cut back to the chopper)
Thomas: I can't believe this! Natalia, I never wanted to hurt anyone! I just wanted to build a park!
Natalie: Maybe they will use rubble of old park to make new park. Ha-ha-ha!
Benson: Grr! Natalie, I'm sorry, but you're taking this too far! This ends now! (he throws his fist towards her, but she crunches it) Ow-ow-ow-ow! First my heart, and now my hand!
Rigby: Thomas! Come on, man! I know you're a Russian spy but you're also our friend! You must have enjoyed yourself a few times.
Thomas: Maybe, yeah.
(Natalie slaps him.)
Natalie: Do not be a fool, Nikolai! They treated you like dirt! (she slaps him) Lower than dirt! (she slaps him again)
Thomas: You're right. I know interns have terrible lives, but come on! I barely felt comfortable speaking around you guys! Why do you think I never said more than four or five words at a time?!
Rigby: We thought you were just boring! Try to remember dude! We had some good times!
Thomas: Good times. (Thomas begins to remember) But all my years of training! I-I can't.
Rigby: Dude, you risked your life to save us. You saved our park!
Thomas: I did, but-
Benson: And not just that, Thomas. I never got a chance to tell you earlier, but we were going to ask you to join the park full-time today.
Rigby: Yeah, man! We didn't want to see you go! You're our buddy. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
Thomas: Yah, it does. Being buddies means something! And the park means something!
Natalie: Nikolai! What are you doing?
Thomas: I'm turning the park around! You used me, Natalia! These guys may not be perfect, but they're the only friends I've got.
Mordecai: Yeah! Way to go, Thomas!
Natalia: No! (she kicks the control box out of Thomas’ hands, this pushes the park closer to Russia, Thomas runs towards her, but she kicks him off, she kicks him in the face, but Thomas trips her over, Thomas goes to turn the park around)
Thomas: Come on!
Natalia: Imperialist Dog! (she runs towards him)
Mordecai: Thomas! Look out!
Natalia: No! (she kicks Thomas into the controls, tilting the chopper, she falls into the ocean, where a whale eats her)
Mordecai: Dude! She tried to kill us!
Benson: I think we could have worked it out!
(the control box falls out)
Thomas: The control box!
Rigby: I'm going for it!
(he jumps out)
Rigby: (slow-motion) No! (he goes to grab the control box, but at the same time Thomas grabs him) Thomas! You saved my life!
Thomas: No time! Hit the red button!
Rigby: Agh! (he hits it and the park stops just before it would have hit the missile)
(music plays as the summit is shown, the Russians are all looking angry, while the Americans are celebrating, the park turns around)
Navy Men: USA! USA! USA!
(the park crashes back down in its original location)
Everybody: (coughing) USA! USA! USA! OOOHHHH! (they all laugh)
Benson: Awesome work, Thomas!
Thomas: No problem! And thank you all for showing me that friends matter more than a silly KGB job!
Benson: You know, the offer still stands, we'd love to have you work at the park.
Thomas: I'd love to, but, once a spy, always a spy.
Rigby: Also, you're pretty much a traitor in both countries.
Thomas: Pretty much, yeah.
Pops: Is this the end of Thomas?
Thomas: The end? Heh-heh! No! I will forever be on the run. Living on the land, hiding in the shadows, forever watching, forever listening, like some, land-living, shadow-hiding, watching, listening guy. Oh look! The sun is rising. (he looks behind him at the park workers) Thank you all.(he runs off, knocks out a CIA Agent then jumps into the bushes)
Rigby: Dasividaniya, Nikolai. You'll always be Thomas to us.
(End of 'The Real Thomas')