Regular Show Wiki
Regular Show Wiki
This page is the transcript for "The Eileen Plan".

(The episode begins with Eileen's house at night. Mordecai is heard laughing. He is having pizza and soda with Margaret, Rigby and Eileen.)

Mordecai: Wait, wait, wait. Yo, Rigby. What does this remind you of?

(He pretends to sleep with his head on the pizza box he's holding.)

Rigby: What?

Mordecai:  Your 7th-grade science project on which pizza box makes the best pillow!

Eileen: What?

Rigby: Dude, I made ground-breaking discoveries with that project.

Margaret: Come on, Rigby. We've all done embarrassing stuff. You know, when I was a kid, I used to peel the pepperoni of a pizza and eat it separately. (laughs) Geez.

Mordecai: Mmm, ok?

Eileen: That's not really that embarrassing, Margaret. I mean, if you want embarrassing, there's this manifesto I wrote in 6th grade. Wait, I think I still have it.

(She runs to her room. Shuffling is heard. She comes back with the manifesto.)

Eileen (continued): Here it is! The Eileen Plan.

(Margaret leans in to take a look.)

Margaret: Oh, woooow. (reads) "I, Eileen Roberts, do hereby swear to accomplish the following by the end of my first quarter century on planet Earth."

(The others have gathered round.)

Mordecai: (reads) "1. Lower age of presidential eligibility to 25. 2. Achieve presidency."

(The four laugh.)

Margaret: Tell me, how's it coming with those?

Eileen: Hey, I've still got time.

Rigby: Yeah, you can totally do that stuff by the time you're 44.

Eileen: What? No, a quarter century is 25 years.

(Rigby chuckles.)

Rigby: Yeah, I knew that.

(He clears his throat and looks at the manifesto.)

Rigby (continued): "Number 3: Marry someone brilliant (preferably with several pants under his belt)"?

Eileen: Patents.

Rigby: Oh, patents. (continues to read) "But just super smart is okay, too"?

(Mordecai, Eileen and Margaret laugh. Eileen clasps her hands over her eyes.)

Eileen: Oh, man! I don't even know anyone like that, much less am I married to him!

Rigby: (laughs nervously) Yeah, pretty funny.

(He hands the manifesto to Mordecai.)

Mordecai: "Number 4: Eliminate allergic responses to peanuts."

(As Mordecai is reading, we are given a view of Rigby who appears dumbfounded from what he has seen in the Eileen Plan. The view is still shown as it fades into the next scene. Mordecai and Rigby are in their room at Pops' house. Rigby is wide awake on his trampoline bed.)

Rigby: Hey, Mordecai...

(Mordecai is snoring fast asleep in his bed. Rigby gets out of his bed.)

Rigby (continued): Hey, Mordecai...

(He continues to snore.)

Rigby (continued): Hey, Mordecai.

(He wakes up.)

Mordecai: Ugh, what?!

Rigby: Do you think I'm dumb?

Mordecai: Yes.

(Mordecai snores back to sleep.)

Rigby: Ok, yeah. I thought so. I was just checking.

(He gloomily walks back to his bed and sits down. Mordecai wakes up and sighs.)

Mordecai: No, you're not dumb. I was just kidding. You'

(Rigby looks back perked up.)

Mordecai (continued): In your own way?

(He returns to his gloomy state.)

Mordecai (continued): Dude, where is this coming from? (gets out of bed) You've always been cool with being dumb.

Rigby: It's just... (sighs) The Eileen Plan.

(He shifts on his trampoline to face Mordecai.)

Rigby (continued): Even if I was smart in my own way, which I'm not, I'm still not brilliant. I have zero patents or pants.

Mordecai: You're overreacting, man. Eileen doesn't care about that stuff anymore.

Rigby: But she doesn't know I didn't graduate from high school! If I'm ever gonna be the brilliant guy of her dreams, that's the least I can do.

(Scene cuts to West Anderson High School. Rigby is in Principal Dean's office.)

Principal Dean: So let me get this straight. You, an adult, want to enroll at this school so you can get your diploma because you're currently too dumb?

Rigby: Pretty much, yeah.

Principal Dean: Not a chance, Rigby. You put me through enough grief the first time you went here.

Rigby: Aw, c'mon, Principal Dean! I know I screwed up in high school, but I swear I've changed!

Principal Dean: (grunts) Fine. (reaches into transcript cabinet) I shouldn't do this, but...(takes out Rigby's transcript) Hmmm. You still need 3 classes to graduate: A Science, a Phys Ed and a Language.

(He holds up a school electives pamphlet.)

Principal Dean (continued): Choose one to start. And I suggest you be realistic.

(He gives it to Rigby.)

Rigby: I will! Thanks, Principal Dean. You won't regret this!

(He walks out of the office, the door knocking down the plant in the corner. Dean turns to the window. Cut to the park where Mordecai and Rigby are sitting on the steps of Pops' house.)

Rigby (continued): So what do you think?

(Mordecai looks at the pamphlet.)

Mordecai: Hmmm. Oh, dude. This is perfect! Intro to Geology, remember?

Rigby: (shrugs) Not really.

Mordecai: Rocks for jocks? No one ever fails?

Rigby: Oh yeah! All the athletes took it 'cause it was basically a free pass. Piece of cake. I'll do it!

Mordecai: You're not worried about hanging out with jocks all semester>

Rigby: Nah. I'll gonna rule that place like a king!

(Scene transits to the geology class. The jocks are clearly playing around.)

Mrs. Kessler: Settle down, class. We've got a returning student with us today. Rigby, would you like to come to the front and introduce yourself?

(Rigby gets out of his seat and takes it with him to the front. He then sits on it backwards.)

Rigby: Hey, dudes. Let me rap to you abou-

(He falls flat on the chair and groans. He gets up and sits back on the chair.)

Rigby (continued): Sup. I'm Rigby, but my friends call me Rigbone. You guys have actually probably heard of me, I used to go to this school.

Aiden: Ohh, yeah. My older stepped on your neck in gym class. Didn't you flunk out?


Jaden: Yeah, right.

(The jocks laugh.)

Rigby: Whatever! I only came back here to prove something to my girlfriend anyway.

Braeden: Oh, cool. Is she a hundred-year-old dropout too?

Rigby: No, She's super cool and, like, a genius!

Aiden: You're old!

(Braeden and Jaden hi five.)

Mrs. Kessler: Aiden, Braeden, Jaden! Behave yourself, or you won't pass this class!

(Aiden is on his phone.)

Aiden: Mrs. Kessler, nobody's ever failed your class.

(Mrs. Kesslers walks up to a layout of a mountain with a cave.)

Mrs. Kessler: That's true. Okay, so from last week, who knows what this is called?

(Rigby is shown waving his hand.)

Mrs, Kessler (continued): And remember, we ruled out "rock hole".

(He puts his hand down in disappointment. A football is thrown at him. Aiden and the jocks laugh at him as he tries to concentrate. Cut to night. At Pops' house, Rigby is studying up.)

Mordecai: Wow. You never studied this hard when you were actually in high school.

Rigby: Failure's not an option, dude. If Eileen wants someone brilliant, she's gonna get someone brilliant.

(He tosses the book he is reading aside and pulls out another. His phone rings; Eileen is calling. He answers it.)

Rigby (continued): Hey, Eileen. Oooooohh. That was tonight? Aaah. Sorry, I can't. Uhhh...because... Mordecai got dumped again. That guy, right?

Mordecai: Dude, what the-

(Rigby shushes him.)

Rigby: Yeah, it's real touch-and-go right now. He needs my support. We're still on for Friday, though. The big dance thing we planned for months. Gotta go. See ya!

(He ends the call and sighs.)

Rigby (continued): That's the third thing I had to turn down this week.

Mordecai: Dude, just tell her the truth.

Rigby: Not until I'm brilliant.

(Cut to the geology class. Mrs. Kessler taps a rock on her desk.)

Mrs. Kessler: You hear that?

(There is a silence. Rigby looks around a bit.)

Rigby: I heard it, Mrs. K.

Mrs. Kessler: I'm sure everyone did, but thanks for responding, Rigby. Well, anyway, the hollow sound is how you can tell if a rock is a geode.

(She taps her hammer on the geode, causing it to break in half.)

Mrs. Kessler (continued): Look at that! (picks up rock half) Gorgeous.

(Rigby writes "Jeode = Gorjus", then underlines it.)

Mrs. Kessler (continued): We'll see plenty of these on our field trip Friday night.

(Rigby raises his hand.)

Rigby: Umm..(clears throat) Excuse me? What field trip?

Mrs. Kessler: The Spelunking field trip. The second requirement for this class?

Rigby: Um, what's the first?

Mrs. Kessler: The big test that everyone passes? So basically, all you have to do is show up for the field trip and you'll pass.

Rigby: But I have a big date with my girlfriend that night!

Mrs. Kessler: I'm just saying, if you wanna pass, you gotta show up to the cave.

(We are shown Friday. Phone ringing is heard. Cut to Rigby in his room, answering the call.)

Rigby: Hello.

(Cut to Eileen on the line; she is making a flag sign that says "I Like The Way You Move!")

Eileen: Hey Rigby, you ready for our date tonight? The Modern Dance USA Troupe only comes through town once a year, and this year, they're letting the audience participate!

(Rigby is feeling less optimistic.)

Eileen (continued): Aww, this is so special. Like unprecedented, and will never be repeated!

(Rigby fake coughs.)

Eileen (continued): Are you okay?

Rigby: I'm not feeling so hot, Eileen.

Eileen: I can bring you some lozenges.

Rigby: Nah, I don't eat shellfish. I'm sorry, I think I better stay in tonight. Take care of the ol' Rig-bod. Can we reschedule for tomorrow?

Eileen: Well, the dance troupe is only here one night...

(Rigby coughs harder.)

Eileen (continued): But, yeah. Of course. Get some rest.

Rigby: Thanks, I will. See you tomorrow.

(He hangs up and groans in frustration. Cut to nighttime at the field trip.)

Aiden: You sure you can handle this, Old Man Rigby?

Jaden: Yeah, it's pretty dark in there.

(Braeden taunts Rigby like a ghost.)

Rigby: I'll be fine. I'm friends with a caveman. Gregg.

Aiden: Ok, okay. Gregg the Caveman.

(The three jocks laugh.)

Kim: Leave Rigby alone. He's just trying to get an education.

Mrs. Kessler: Let's try to stay focused, huh? It's easy to fall down a cave hole, but harder to come out. Getting stuck in the cave wouldn't prevent you from passing the class, but could prevent you from being alive. Anyway, follow me.

(The class goes into the cave. Cut to what appears to be Eileen's hand ringing a doorbell. She is standing at the door of Pops' house, holding what appears to be soup. Mordecai answers.)

Mordecai: Oh, hey Eileen. Rigby's not back from his field trip to the cave yet.

Eileen: He's...not home sick?

Mordecai: No, I think the class...

(Eileen has an angry look on her face.)

Mordecai (continued): uhh...the class of illness he has involves an addiction to caves?

(Eileen still retains her expression.)

Mordecai (continued): So...he's at a cave now.

(He laughs weakly.)

Eileen: I see.

Mordecai: You're not buying this, are you?

Eileen: No.

Mordecai: Then can I have the soup?

(Cut to inside the cave. Aiden grabs a stalactite from the roof of the cave.)

Aiden: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(He throws it far, causing it to break on the ground. Mrs. Kessler gasps.)

Mrs. Kessler: That was 150,000 years old!

Aiden: (laughs) Cool.

Jocks: Sports! Sports! Sports!

(They walk away. Rigby is standing with the three girls from the class; a familiar figure is standing behind the girls.)

Rigby: Psh. Go back to playing with your stalactites, you dumb jocks.

(The 3 girls laugh.)

Jayla: You, like, remind me of my dad. He's funny and old.

Allison: Oh yeah, he's so old and he's so funny.

(The girls walk off, and the hidden figure is none other than...)

Rigby: (gasps) Eileen?!

Eileen: Rigby!

(The jocks are shown to us closeby at the scene.)

Braeden: How'd the old man land such a megababe?

(Eileen blushes.)

Eileen: Heh, well...(blush fades) No! You know, I don't like being lied to by my boyfriend.

(From a side view, Eileen is angrily looking at Rigby, who appears saddened.)

Eileen (continued): I missed the dance show to bring you soup!

(She runs off on her own, shocking Rigby, who follows after her.)

Rigby: Eileen, wait!

(He is stopped by Mrs. Kessler.)

Mrs. Kessler: Not so fast, Rigby.

Rigby: But I have to get my girlfriend!

Mrs. Kessler: Just saying, if you wanna pass this class...

Rigby: Passing doesn't matter if I don't have Eileen!

(He runs past Mrs. Kessler and continues going after Eileen.)

Rigby (continued): Hold up.

(He eventually loses he and is stuck choosing between two tunnels.)

Rigby: Eileen, come out and talk to me!

Eileen: Go away, Rigby! Lying to me for weeks so you can sit around in a cave with high school kids?! You might as well just leave me here to...

(Eileen is heard suddenly screaming, alarming Rigby.)

Rigby: EILEEN!"'

(He runs into the first tunnel. He soon spots a large hole in the ground and looks in.)

Rigby (continued): Eileen, are you okay?! Did you fall down the rock hole?!

Eileen: I'm okay!

(Cut to Eileen in the cave hole. The scene is currently blackened.)

Eileen (continued): But it's pitch-black down here. I don't know how to get out.

Rigby: I'm comin' down!

Eileen: Actuallly, it'd be better if you went to get help!

(Rigby falls into the cave. Eileen sighs.)

Rigby: Eileen, I can explain! I was going to the hospital but I got lost!

Eileen: Rigby, I know you're not sick! Just tell me the truth!

(Rigby sighs.)

Rigby: Ok. I'm not just hangin' out in a cave with teens for fun. I....I never graduated from high school.

Eileen: Really?

Rigby: This whole cave thing is just for school credits so I can graduate and get my diploma. I never cared until I saw the Eileen Plan, but now all I can think about is how you're gonna be the president, and I'm just gonna be some jerk you used to date.

Eileen: But I don't need a genius. I like you, just the way you are.

Rigby: Yeah?

Eileen: Yeah.

(The two stand up and bump into each other.)

Eileen: (sighs) What are we gonna do? It's way too dark to find a way out.

Rigby: Hmm. I got an idea.

(Rigby picks up a small rock and feels it. He then throws it aside.)

Rigby (continued): No.

(He starts checking the ground.)

Eileen: Rigby, are you digging? It sounds like you're digging. You know caves are already underground, right?

(As she says this, Rigby picks up another rock and identifies it.)

Rigby: A-ha!

(He gives it to Eileen.)

Rigby (contninued): Here!

Eileen: It's pointy. What is it?

(He walks ahead.)

Rigby: It's quartz! Now I just need-

(He grunts as he bumps into a stalactite. It breaks and falls on his head. He picks it up.)

Rigby (continued): Pentlandite!

(Cut to Rigby igniting the quartz and pentlandite together in front of Eileen. A flame is lit on a larger rock in a few seconds.)

Rigby (continued): A-ha! It worked! Still not enough light. (He runs out of the light for a moment. He comes back with another small rock.)

Eileen: What now?

Rigby: Shhh, Listen.

(He hits the small rock against the big one. It makes a hollow sound.)

Eileen: It's hollow.

Rigby: Uh-huh. And check this out.

(He hita it again, causing it to brak in half. He gives one half to Eileen.)

Eileen: Ooh! Purple geode with jasper banding. Classy.

Rigby: Thanks.

(He places his half near the fire.)

Rigby (continued): Now if we go!

(The light from the fire shines into the particles of the geode, and a brights purple light shines through the whole cave.)

Eileen: Wow. It's...

Rigby: Gorgeous.

Eileen: Rigby, look!

(She point to the cave's exit.)

Eileen (continued): Rigby, that was pretty amazing.

Rigby: Yeah, I like this feeling. You know, even if I might never be brilliant, I still wanna get my diploma. For you, and for me.

Eileen: I respect that.

(Rigby smiles and then walks Eileen hand in hand to the exit.)

Rigby: Um, hey Eileen?

Eileen: Yeah?

Rigby: Can I try something when we're walking out.

Eileen: Mmm, ok.

(Cut to Mrs. Kessler and her class, who are waiting outside the cave.)

Mrs. Kessler: Well, they're dead for sure. Oh, the principal's gonna have my head for this.

(Aiden turns to the exit.)

Aiden: Look!

(Rigby appears out of the cave, carrying Eileen.)

Rigby: Yeah-yuh!

(The girls cooment over seeing this. The two run off as the class watches.)

Mrs. Kessler: I know everyone passes this class, but Rigby just aced it.

(Rigby and Eileen continue walking off.)

Eileen: I get to carry you next time.

Rigby: Deal.