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This page is the transcript for "Temp Check".

(Episode starts with Mordecai and Rigby mowing the Ultimate Frisbee Field)

Mordecai & Rigby: Bam! OOOOOOOOHHH!!!

Rigby: Yeah! Finally done!

Mordecai: Dude. Celebration hug?

Rigby: Yeah, man.

(They approach each other, as if to hug, then they suddenly pull back at the same time)

Mordecai & Rigby: Aw, sick!

(Mordecai and Rigby laugh)

Rigby: Dude, you almost hugged me!

Mordecai: No way! You almost hugged me!

Rigby: We mowed that lawn in its face!

Mordecai: Yeah, dude. Let's go on break.

Rigby: Now you're talking.

(They start to head up, but Benson pulls up in the cart.)

Benson: Hold it!

(Benson takes out a ruler and measures the grass)

Benson: Nope. It's no good.

Mordecai & Rigby: AWW, WHAT?

Benson: It's an inch too tall. Do it again! DO IT ALL AGAIN!!!!!!

(Mordecai and Rigby groan)

Rigby: It's just one inch!

Benson: Would you want to play Ultimate Frisbee in this? A guy could trip, skid, get severe turf rash, and BAM! Lawsuit. Now get to work.

Rigby: But... but... but...

Benson: Oh wait. Is that the sound of somebody who wants to be fired? (Rigby lowers his arms) That's what I thought.

(Benson gets in the cart and drives off. Mordecai picks his mower back up.)

Rigby: I can't re-mow the lawn! I'm a busy guy!

Mordecai: No, you're not.

Rigby: Yeah-huh! I got a meatball sub I gotta eat! My life sucks.

Mordecai: Whatever. It's not like you can hire somebody to do your work while you slack off.

Rigby: "Hire somebody?" (gasps) Duuude. (runs off)

Mordecai: Hey!

(Cut to Rigby putting the finishing touches on a stand. The sign on top says "Dudes Hiring Dudes." Rigby has just finished writing "The Agent Is In" on the lower sign when a shadow falls over him. It's Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Hey, dude. Thanks for bailing on me. What is this?

Rigby: I'm gonna hire a temp.

Mordecai: This sounds like a scam.

Rigby: Hey, if hiring a dude to do all my work and paying them a small part of my paycheck while I go get a meatball sub is a scam, then THIS IS A HUUUUUGE SCAM! (Everyone around walks away) Uhhh...

Mordecai: Hm. Hm. Let me know when you want to stop wasting time.

(Transition to Rigby sitting at the stand some moments later, interviewing Explosives Guy.)

Rigby: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Explosives Guy: Uh, I like pyrotechnics. (Fireworks suddenly erupt from his pocket, catching his pants on fire.)

(Jump cut to Rigby interviewing the Pirate and his Parrot)

Rigby: So, what are you good at?

Parrot: Raah! Pyrotechnics! (explodes)

(Jump cut to Rigby interviewing Muscular Redneck)

Rigby: Let me guess, you like pyrotechnics.

Muscular Redneck: No, but I do like this. (pulls out harmonica)

(Muscular Redneck turns around and brings the harmonica up to his rear end. He begins to play the harmonica with his flatulence. Rigby watches in bemusement.) (In the UK, the Redneck shoves a harmonica up his nose and starts sneezing instead.)

Rigby: Alright, alright, that's enough.

(Clock transition to Rigby sitting alone at his stand some time later.)

Rigby: Ugh, man! I can't find one normal person in this town who wants a job! I give up!

(A bus pulls up at a nearby stop. Doug walks off the bus.)

Doug: Well, time to find me a job.

(The bus drives away.)

Rigby: Hey! Hey you! Come here! (Doug walks up to the stand) What's your name?

Doug: Name's Doug, sir. I'm looking for a job.

Rigby: You've come to the right place, Doug. But first, tell me about yourself.

Doug: Well, all my life I've wanted to be somebody. I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Rigby: Hm. Hm. How are you with mowing lawns?

Doug: Well, I don't mean to be negative, but it looks to me like that grass is an inch too tall.

Rigby: Oh, you're good. Alright, let's get you fitted to your new job.

(Clock transition to Doug mowing the lawn in the park. Rigby is resting beneath a tree nearby.)

Doug: Thank you so much for this job, Mr. Rigby!

(Rigby sighs in relaxation. Mordecai walks up to Rigby, holding an envelope.)

Mordecai: Hey dude, Benson wanted me to give you your weeks pay. (Hands the envelope to Rigby and sees Doug.) Who's that?

Rigby: Oh, that's Doug. He's my new temp.

Mordecai: What? Are you serious?

Rigby: Hey, Dougie! (motions Doug to come to him, who gladly obliges.) Payday!

(Rigby holds the envelope out, but pulls it back just as Doug is about to grab it.)

Rigby: Ah, ah, ah. First, I gotta cover the finder's fee. (Rigby takes a huge majority of his pay, leaving Doug with meager change.) Here you go.

Doug: Wow, this is the most I've ever been paid. Thanks, Mr. Rigby. You're the best boss ever! (He walks off.)

Mordecai: (beat) You make me sick.

(Clock transition to the house, at night. Rigby and Doug enter.)

Doug: Wow, this place is huge!

Rigby: Yeah, it's pretty cool. This way.

(Rigby and Doug enter Mordecai and Rigby's bedroom.)

Rigby: So you'll crash here.

Doug: Woah! (prods the trampoline) On this?

Rigby: No, no, you don't just start with the trampoline. You gotta pay your dues. (they head over to the closet) This is where you'll be sleeping. (opens the closet)

Doug: (gasps in awe)

Rigby: There's some socks in case you get cold.

Doug: My own bed!, Rigby. If you don't mind me saying, you're the best boss I've ever had!

Rigby: You know what, Doug? I think this is gonna work out just fine!

(Clock transition to Mordecai and Doug raking the lawn. Rigby is relaxing beneath a tree nearby.)

Rigby: I'm tired, I'm taking a break. (gets up) Keep it shakin' with the rakin' there, guys. (he leaves)

Mordecai: (mocking) "Keep it shakin' with the rakin' there, guys."

Doug: (laughs) Nice impression there, Mordecai. Listen to this one. (In Rigby's voice) Keep it shakin' with the rakin' there, guys.

Mordecai: (laughs) Dude, that sounds just like him! (laughs)

(Rigby enters with a meatball sub sandwich)

Rigby: What's so funny?

Mordecai: Dude, Doug is hilarious. Check out his impression of you!

Doug: (In Rigby's voice) Hi, I'm Rigby, and I got me a meatball sub!

(Doug and Mordecai laugh. Rigby isn't amused.)

Rigby: I...I don't sound like that.

Mordecai: Dude, it's like, dead-on!

Doug: (In Rigby's voice) Hello, I'm, Rigby! Nice to meet you!

(Mordecai and Doug laugh.)

Rigby: Grrr...

(Clock transition to Mordecai eating in the kitchen of the house. Rigby enters.)

Rigby: Dude, that wasn't cool!

Mordecai: Haha, you should've seen your face!

Rigby: Dude, impressions are the lowest form of comedy. (Poor impression of Doug's voice) "Hey, I'm Doug! I'm easily impressed because I have a small brain!" See? It's easy to copy somebody else.

(Doug enters.)

Mordecai: Yo, Doug-ay!

Doug: Hey, fellas! (he shakes hands with Mordecai.)

Mordecai: Ready for some hoops?

Doug: Oh, you know it!

(Mordecai and Doug start to leave.)

Rigby: Uh, wait! Can I come along, too?

Mordecai: Oh...well, it's kind of a two-on-two rematch. Sorry, dude.

(Mordecai and Doug exit.)

(Clock transition to Rigby sitting alone in the playground, watching Mordecai, Doug, Muscle Man and Hi Five ghost playing basketball.)

Hi Five Ghost: Cover him!

Muscle Man: I got this fool!

Mordecai: Over here, over here!

Doug: From downtown! (he shoots and scores) Boom-shaka-laka!

Mordecai: Yeah-yuh!

Rigby: Pff, I could've done that.

(Doug removes his hat and combs his hair with his hand, causing it to stand upright like Rigby's.)

Rigby: (gasps) Hey, that's my haircut!

(Clock transition to the snack bar. Mordecai works the register while Doug cooks.)

Customer: Two hot dogs, please.

Mordecai: Yo Doug, I need some dogs over here!

Doug: Dogs from my dog! (he launches the hot dogs towards Mordecai, who's already prepared with hot dog buns.)

Mordecai: I got 'em, I got 'em! (he catches the hot dogs in each bun.) Uh, ooh! (slams the hot dogs onto the customer's tray) Baam! (to Doug) Way to throw 'em!

Doug: Way to catch 'em!

(they high-five)

Doug: Yeah!

Mordecai: Yeah-uh! (walks back to the register) Alright, who else wants some dogs? (Rigby, inside a nearby garbage can, opens up the lid and peeks out.)

Rigby: That's probably not as fun as it looks.

(Doug then props up his tail in the same manner that Rigby does.)

Rigby: (gasps) He's holding up his tail just like me!

(Clock transition to Rigby peeking out from behind a tree. Mordecai and Doug are cleaning up a littered area of the park.)

Mordecai: Dude, I love working with you, man! We make a great team.

Doug: Yeah, man. That's just me. I love working hard, know what I'm saying? I guess Rigby's just kinda...

Mordecai: What?

Doug: Uh, I shouldn't say anything.

Mordecai: Go ahead, You can say it!

Doug: Rigby's kinda lazy.

Mordecai: Yeeaah, he is! (they laugh.)

Rigby: Grr...

(Benson enters)

Benson: Hey guys, I wanted to come by and thank you. Ultimate Frisbee was a great success. Everybody loved it. Kudos Mordecai. (to Doug) You too, Rigby. See ya. (he leaves)

Mordecai: Later.

Doug: Yeah, see ya... (He turns around, revealing dark rings around his eyes, just like Rigby's.) ...Benson.

Rigby: No! (gasps in terror)

(Jump cut to Mordecai playing a video game in the house. Rigby enters.)

Rigby: Dude, Doug is creeping me out. I think I gotta fire him.

Mordecai: What? Doug's actually pretty cool.

Rigby: He's totally copying me.

Mordecai: Dude, you're being paranoid.

Rigby: Are you kidding me? The dark circles around his eyes, the lovable scoundrel shtick? CLASSIC RIGBY!!!

Mordecai: He probably has his rings around his eyes because he's working all the time.

Rigby: Whatever, man, just give me my paycheck so I can pay him to get out of here.

Mordecai: Pfft, nice try.

Rigby: What are you talking about?

Mordecai: I gave it to you two hours ago.

Rigby: (eyes widen) What?! Where's Doug?!

Mordecai: Upstairs.

Rigby: (runs upstairs) That's it! He's finished! (Begins slamming on bathroom door.) DOUG!!! DOUG DOUG DOUG!!!

(The door opens and shrouds of steam pour out. Doug exits the bathroom, drying himself with a towel.)

Doug: Oh, hey, Rigby.

Rigby: Doug, give me my paycheck!

Doug: Paycheck? Oh...(takes out envelope)...oh, you mean this one? Sure, take it. (He begins to hand the envelope to Rigby, but takes it back at the last second.) Ah, ah, ah. Gotta cover the finder's fee, remember?

Rigby: Grr! Doug, this has gone too far! You're fired!

Doug: Fired? You can't fire me. This is the best job I've ever had. I'm finally becoming somebody. Besides...(in Rigby's voice) I'm more Rigby than you ever were...or will be...

(Doug grabs Rigby by the throat and strangles him. He then transforms into a perfect doppelganger of Rigby. Rigby gasps in horror as Doug laughs maniacally. The two grapple with each other and fight. They eventually roll down the stairs.)

Rigby #1: I'm...Rigby!

Rigby #2: NO! I'm Rigby!

Mordecai: Rigby!

Both Rigbys: WHAT?!

Mordecai: (transfixed) ...Whoa.

(Clock transition to the two Rigbys in the park.)

Rigby #1: I'm Rigby!

Rigby #2: No, I'm Rigby!

Skips: Hmm. (he inspects their faces for a moment, and then turns to face Benson, Mordecai and Pops) Yeah, I can't tell who's who.

Benson: There's only one way to solve this. Alright, I'm gonna have you do a couple of things and ask some questions. Whoever gets them right is the real Rigby, and whoever doesn't, I'm calling the cops.

(Clock transition to both Rigbys weakly punching Mordecai.)

Mordecai: They both can't punch very hard. (he punches both Rigbys, making them fall over and whimper.) They both can't take a punch.

(Cut to the Rigbys playing a video game.)

Video Game: Ultimate fail.

Mordecai: They're both horrible at video games.

(Cut to the Rigbys mopping the floor. They both fall over from laziness.)

Benson: They're both equally lazy.

(Cut to the Rigbys, Benson, Mordecai and Pops back in the park.)

Benson: Okay, how does Rigby like his BLTs?

Rigby #2: No lettuce, no tomatoes, hold the bread and double the bacon.

(Mordecai nods)

Benson: Correct. What did Rigby get for Pops' birthday?

Rigby #1: Easy, nothing.

Pops: Oh, it's true! T'was the best nothing I ever received.

Both Rigbys: (to each other) Hm. Hm. Hm.

Benson: Rigby's high score in Strong John?

Rigby #1: Three!

Benson: Favorite cereal?

Rigby #2: Sugar-frosted marshmallow clusters.

Benson: Rigby's greatest fear?

(Both Rigbys are hesitant to answer.)

Benson: Well?

Rigby #2: Amusement park mascots!

Benson: Yep, you're Rigby.

(Rigby #2 approaches Mordecai)

Mordecai: Hey, dude. Celebratory hug?

Rigby #2: Yeah, man. (they hug.)

Rigby #1: Fine, fine! You guys wanna hang out with him? Go ahead! See if I care! I just hope next time you think twice about choosing a total impostor over your best friend, Mordecai...

Mordecai: Wait! (points to Rigby #1) That's Rigby.

Rigby#1: Huh? But-

Mordecai: I knew it was you, dude.

Rigby#1: What?! But why didn't you say anything?!

Mordecai: Heh, I just wanted to mess with you. Only the real Rigby whines that much.

Rigby: Hah! In your FACE, Doug!

Mordecai: Plus, the real Rigby would never hug me.

(Everyone gets ready to tackle Doug.)

Doug: Uh... (he bolts off, but Skips tackles him and pins him down. Accepting defeat, Doug transforms back into his normal self.)

(Transition to outside of Pops' House. The police have arrived and have taped off a portion of the park. A Detective is talking to the whole group.)

Detective: Yeah, the perps full name is Doug "The Doppelganger" Shablowski. He's been pulling this scam all over the country, but thanks to you, he can be brought to justice. (he leaves.)

Mordecai: (points offscreen) Here he comes!

(Doug, handcuffed and being escorted by two police officers, walks by the group.)

Doug: (in his actual voice) Hey, hold on a sec, I got something to say. Rigby, I want you to know...a guy like me? Ain't got a lot to be thankful for. But you? You got friends, a job, a nice warm got a good thing going here. Never forget that.

Policeman: Okay! Move it along! (The policeman and Doug enter a police car and leave.)

Rigby: Wow, what a windbag. I thought he'd never shut up. I can't believe you guys thought Doug was me. You must feel like idiots, am I right? (Mordecai and Benson are not amused. Benson begins to shake with rage) ...Uh, right?

Benson: (turning red) I'm the only one around here who hires and fires, so if you really don't wanna do your own job, I'd be glad to accommodate you. Otherwise, you're on toilet duty for the next THREE MONTHS!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable! (He leaves.)

Rigby: Hey Mordecai, wanna make an easy ten bucks?

(End of Temp Check)