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USA Transcript

(The episode starts with the guys in the forest, listening to Benson.)

Benson: Here you go, Thomas. Try that. (Hands him a glass)

Thomas: (Drinks) Amazing. It tastes just like water.

Benson: That's because it is water. 100% safe drinking water from the dew I collected this morning. You can last for months with just the knowledge I've shared today.

Pops: Bravo!

(Everybody claps)

Pops: Is it really pure dew?

Benson: Sure is. Here, let me show you my system.

(Everybody gets up and leaves except for Mordecai and Rigby, who are busy playing video games.)

Rigby: Can you guys keep it down? All this "pure dew" talk is blowing my fo- oomph!

Mordecai: Mmm!

(Rigby grunts as they play intensely. Mordecai soon wins, causing Rigby to groan.)

Mordecai: Haha, OOOOOOHHHHHH! Good game, dude, good game.

Benson: Guys! Can you come here for a second?

Mordecai: Aw sweet, Benson's presentation is over.

Rigby: Look out face, it's time to shove some burgers in your mouth!

Mordecai: Yeah, watch out buns, 'cause you're about to get some patties up in you. 

(Mordecai and Rigby laugh simultaneously and walk over to Benson.) 

Benson: Hey guys, thanks a lot for coming to this. I know my wilderness survival presentations aren't how you'd normally choose to spend your time off. 

Mordecai: Sure, Benson. No problem. 

Benson: Great. So, if you can just bring over the tortillas I'll get started on the food. 

Rigby: No offense, but you don't make burgers with tortillas. 

Benson: (Eyes narrowing) Wait. Are you telling me that you didn't bring the tortillas?

Rigby: Why would we bring tortillas for burgers?

Benson: Because we're not having burgers, we're having quesadillas.

Rigby: Ah, what?! We only came to this thing for the burgers at the end! 

Mordecai: Yeah, why didn't you tell us we were having quesadillas this time? 

Benson: I did tell you, over and over! I said we're having quesadillas this time! 

(Flashbacks to Mordecai and Rigby playing video games.)

Benson: Don't forget, we're havin' quesadillas this time, so, if you can pick up the tortillas I'd really appreciate it. 

Mordecai: (Distracted) No problem. 

(Flashbacks to Benson knocking on Mordecai and Rigby's bedroom door while Mordecai and Rigby are playing a video game inside.)

Benson: Hey guys, you're gonna pick up tortillas for the quesadillas, right? 

Rigby: (Wins gold in the game) Aw, YES! 

Benson: Great, thank you. 

(Flashbacks to Mordecai and Rigby walking down The House's steps while playing portable video games. Benson then comes from inside the house to speak to them.) 

Benson: Since you guys are headed out anyway, this might be a good time to get those tortillas. 

Rigby: What did he say? 

Modecai: I think, uh...have a good time? 

(Cuts from flashback)

Mordecai: Maybe if you just reminded us one more... (Benson throws his hat in Mordecai's face.) Uh!

Benson: I shouldn't have to remind you at all! You two never listen to me and I'm sick of it! 

Rigby: Don't be mad, Benson. 

Benson: Mad? I got mad the last time you ignored me. This time I'm...I'm...deeply offended! And now, I have six pounds of cheese and not one tortilla! What kind of quesadilla can you make with that, huh?! (Turns red) WHAT KIND?! 

Skips: You can't make a quesadilla without tortillas; that's just cheese.

Benson: Thank you, Skips. So now, because of Mordecai and Rigby, here we all are, tired, hungry, nothing to eat. And if you two don't get those tortillas right now, [red] YOU'RE FIRED!

(Cut to the Grocery store. Mordecai and Rigby stand at the aisle with tortillas.)

Rigby: (Feels around the tortilla bags) Well, which ones are we supposed to get? There's like thirty different kinds here.

Mordecai: How should I know?

Rigby: Well, can you check?

(Mordecai takes a piece of folded paper out from his handbag and opens it.)

Mordecai: It's a note from Benson. "Dear Mordecai and Rigby, you're probably standing there like two boneheads trying to figure out which of the thirty different kinds of tortillas to get."

Rigby: How does he know?

(Rigby takes the note from Mordecai.)

Rigby (continued): Dude, he typed it. "Since you never listen, I'll remind you that we need an extra large bag of Casa Queso Handmade Style Flour Tortillas. If you come back here with anything else, you're fired. Your boss, Benson." And then there's some clipart of a bomb and it says, "The clock is ticking."

(Rigby shows it to Mordecai, and they laugh. Mordecai grabs the correct tortillas.)

Mordecai: "Dear Mordecai and Rigby, go get the exact tortillas I want, or I'm gonna get all mad".

(They laugh as they leave. We cut to them driving the cart on the road.)

Mordecai (continued): "Dear Mordecai and Rigby, I know you love burgers, so we're having quesadillas".

(They laugh)

Rigby: Yeah. "Dear Mordecai and Rigby, if I don't get something to put this cheese between right now, you're fired!"

(They laugh again.)

Mordecai: Dude, we're actually running kinda late on getting these tortillas back to the park.

Rigby: Yeah. Maybe we should take that new shortcut.

Mordecai: Good call.

(He makes a left turn into the shortcut, straight into the forest.)

Rigby: And then earlier Benson was all like, "Don't forget to gas up the cart before you get tortillas!" And I was just like, "Cool, dude. Thanks for the....heads.....up?"

(The cart suddenly comes to a stop.)

Mordecai: I see. (Turns the cart key, but it doesn't start up) Dude, why didn't you just listen to Benson and gas up the cart?

Rigby: Because he never says anything important?

Mordecai: Except that was important, 'cause now we're stuck in the middle of the woods! Argh! (Sighs) Okay, this is gonna be painful, but I think we have to ask Benson to come get us. (Grabs the cart's radio) Guys? Hey? Benson? Are you there?

(No response comes, but a fart is suddenly heard.)

Rigby: Sorry.

Mordecai: Rigby!

Rigby: I really am sorry, Mordecai! My body just starts talkin' when it's hungry.

Mordecai: (Sighs and drops the radio) Just give me the phone. (Rigby reaches under himself, grabs the phone, and hands it to Mordecai. Mordecai blows on it repeatedly, then checks it.) Awesome. No service. We're gonna have to walk the rest of the way.

(Cuts to them walking through the forest, with Mordecai holding the tortillas. They then stop when they see a fork in the road.)

Mordecai: I'm pretty sure if we just head towards those trees... (They walk in the path he chose and we cut to the two struggling through branches and leaves, getting dirty in the process. They then walk into an open area, with Rigby pulling leaves out of his tail.) Okay. That didn't land us where I thought it would. But if we could just get to the other side of that river... (Cuts to them carefully walking across a shallow river, only to stop at a dead end. Cuts to them walking across the river again in the opposite direction while Rigby growls to himself.) All right, so, I think if we can go down that hill...

(Cuts to the two stepping down a steep hill)

Rigby: Easy...easy...

(They both suddenly slip and fall down the hill, yelling. We pan to the sky, and it transitions to nighttime. Pans back to Mordecai and Rigby walking through more woods)

Mordecai: Okay, maybe if we-

Rigby: (Angrily) Maybe if we what? You even have any idea where we're going? I've seen that Skips rock four times!

(Shows the Skips-like rock)

Mordecai: Okay, but-

Rigby: Dude, just face it. We're lost!

Mordecai: Yeah, we're lost.

Rigby: And I'm cold and hungry!

Mordecai: Well, I'd say we go back to the cart for shelter, but I don't even know where that is any more. (Rigby suddenly starts eating a tortilla.) What're you doing? You can't eat those, we have to give 'em to Benson! (Takes the tortilla)

Rigby: Well, he's not gettin' anything if we die up here!

Mordecai: But maybe there's something else we can eat. (Looks around and finds a pile of rocks) Can we

Rigby: I saw one show where the guy made a three-course meal out of nothing but tree bark.

(Mordecai's stomach growls, then they run to a nearby tree and start eating the bark.)

Mordecai: It's not that bad. (Turns to Rigby) Whoa, dude... (Mordecai's vision has turned everything pixelated.)

Rigby: (Turns to Mordecai) Huh? (Stops eating and looks unsure) That's not right, man. (Rigby's vision has turned Mordecai in a burger with a tortilla for buns.)

Mordecai: What show did you see that bark thing on?

Rigby: (Scratches chin) It was on, um... Oh, Crazy Eats.

Mordecai: The one where the guy makes himself insane by eating stuff that's not food? Rigby, they don't even go outside on that show!

Rigby: But Mordecai, the inside is the outside. (The tree disintegrates and we zoom into Rigby's eye as he repeats, "The inside is the outside.")

(A stream of hallucinations occur as the two are affected by the tree bark. They then fall onto the ground in the forest, weak. They sit back up, and Mordecai brushes himself off.)

Rigby: (Holding his head) Aw, man... What happened?

Mordecai: I don't know, dude. But we're not gonna survive this, are we?

Rigby: (Wraps around himself) Dude, it's so cold!

Mordecai: (Shaking) We're gonna freeze to death before we can get Benson these tortillas...

Rigby: If Skips was here, he'd know what to do!

(Flashbacks to them back at the camping area, in Rigby's perspective. Benson is instructing safety tips.)

Skips: Pay attention, guys. You're gonna need to remember this stuff.

(Cuts back to the present, and Rigby gasps)

Rigby: Mordecai! We need to remember what Benson said in his wilderness presentation!

Mordecai: (Places down the tortillas) Dude, that's it!

Mordecai and Rigby: Remember, remember...

(Flashbacks to Rigby's perspective again, playing a video game. He struggles as he tries to look up at Benson instructing, and Thomas in a bear costume.)

Benson: ...And that's how you survive a bear attack. (Shakes hand) Thank you, Thomas. (Thomas walks away) Hey, Mordecai and Rigby, I need your eyes up here!

Pops: (Raises hand) Oh, Benson. What about when it gets chilly?

Benson: That's a great question, Pops. Now, it may look like I'm just wearing a jacket up here. (Unzips the green jacket) But underneath it, I have on a sweatshirt, followed by a long-sleeve thermal, followed by a t-shirt, followed by a tank top. It's called 'layering', and your key to temperature regulation.

(The flashback ends, and we're back at the woods.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Layering! (Looks around)

Mordecai: There's nothin' to make layers with.

Rigby: I see some layers.

(Shows the bag of tortillas. Clock transition to the two layered up with tortillas. Rigby tries to grab more out of the bag, but Mordecai takes it away, making him whine.)

Mordecai: That's enough for now. We need to save the rest for Benson.

(Wind blows, making Rigby shiver and cross his arms.)

Rigby: We better get a move on.

(The two begin to hike through the forest, starting a montage. Using tortillas as snowshoes, Mordecai walks over to a river and scoops up water with another tortilla. Once he drinks it, he spits it out in disgust. Rigby taps his shoulder to grab his attention, then tries to remember more from the presentation. Recalling on how Benson used dew for drinking water, they mimic him and drink some dew. Cutting to a mountain, we see them carefully stepping downwards. Worrying, Rigby starts to remember what Benson showed on how to climb down mountains, and they copy the method. Transitioning to the woods at night, Mordecai holds a rod of tortillas and strikes it against a tree, making a torch to scare away a bear. Rigby twists his rod of tortillas into a spear, and they chase away the bear. Back into daytime, they walk through the woods some more as Rigby leaves a tortilla trail. Cutting to a river, a bearded Rigby is shown fishing and an equally bearded Mordecai brings in a net full of fish, much to their happiness. They remember how Benson had shown how to catch large amounts of fish with a net, and Rigby nods to Mordecai in approval. Cutting to Rigby sitting on a rock, he tries to make glasses out of tortillas. Noticing that he just used up the last of the tortillas, he and Mordecai go back through the woods to pick up the tortilla trail. Cuts to Mordecai stirring a green liquid with a tortilla bowl and spoon. He spreads the liquid on a giant infection on Rigby's leg. We then cut again into nighttime, with Mordecai warming his hands around a campfire and Rigby leaning against a tree near a tent made of tortillas. It suddenly begins to snow. Switching to a snow-filled area, Rigby is on a tortilla sled being pulled by Mordecai. He writes weakly into a tortilla journal that states, "DAY 37".)

Rigby: "End is near. Tell Benson we tried." (Pants and groans as he closes the journal and rests his eyes)

(Mordecai groans as he drops the rope and neals to the ground.)

Rigby (continued): (Weakly) Did we make it?

Mordecai: No...

Rigby: (Sighs) It wasn't supposed to end like this, Mordecai. (Coughs roughly)

Mordecai: (Holds Rigby's face and says, tiredly:) No, Rigby. Don't give up. There's gotta be one last thing we can remember from Benson's presentation.

Rigby: No, bro. This is it. See you on the other side... (He closes his eyes with his hands, but Mordecai opens them again.)

Mordecai: Please, just try to remember, Rigby! Do it for Benson.

(Rigby groans as he remembers Benson demonstrating with a phone.)

Benson (in flashback): And if all else fails, find a cell phone signal. It may just save your life one day.

Rigby: (Suddenly full of excitement) We have to find a cell phone signal!

Mordecai: (Pats around himself) Okay, okay, let me just- (He pulls a phone from behind him and gasps, as the phone only has one percent of battery life left.) It's almost out of batteries...!

Rigby: (Busts out of tortilla blanket) Then, let's go!

(Mordecai starts to run with the phone above his head, trying to catch signal, while Rigby limps behind him. Mordecai checks the phone, which only has 0.4% battery life remaining. As he puts the phone in the air again, Rigby limps harder.)

Rigby: Mordecai! (Pants) My leg... (Pants) I can't!

Mordecai: Yes, you can! This is our last chance, Rigby! Are you gonna die like a little baby or are gonna help me?

Rigby: I-I-I'll help you, Mordecai!

(Cuts to Mordecai holding Rigby up high, running, as Rigby holds the phone higher in the air.)

Mordecai: Anything?!

Rigby: Run faster!

(They both yell as they run away from the snowy field and into the woods.)

Rigby: Come on, phone--please, please, please! (Gasps as a small shred of signal is found) A bar, Mordecai! We have a bar!

Mordecai: (Eyes watering) A bar?

Mordecai and Rigby: (Chanting) A bar! A bar! (Laughs hysterically)

Mordecai: Ugh, wait, call dude! Call!

Rigby: (Starts to dial) Okay! Shh, shh, shh! I'm dialing! (Gasps as the phone makes a tone) It's ringing!

(As the phone calls, a ringtone is heard. Their faces fall as we pan to all of the other guys standing a few feet in front of them. Benson is holding his phone as it rings, then slowly brings it to his face as he answers it.)

Benson: Hello...?

Mordecai: (Puts Rigby down) I can't believe it. You guys are still here! After all this time?

Rigby: (Tiredly) Everything has changed so much since we've been gone... (Picks up pine cone) Is this still called a...pine cone?

Mordecai: What year is it?

Thomas: You guys have only been gone a couple hours.

Skips: We could hear you yelling on the other side of those trees. But every time we had Thomas go check it out, you attacked him.

Benson: (Holds up Rigby's filthy tortilla jacket) These tortillas are soggy and dirty.

Rigby: (Runs up to Benson and grabs his leg) Oh, Benson, you saved us!

Mordecai: (Takes off tortilla hat) Yeah, Benson. We're sorry we never listen.

Rigby: And you're so smart! How did you know we were gonna forget what tortillas to get?

Benson: (Pushes off Rigby) All right, all right, that's enough! I had a feeling this might happen. (Turns to the group) Thomas, can you take the back-up burgers over to the grill, please?

Mordecai and Rigby: (Hopefully) Back-up burgers? (Raises arms) Whooaaaaa!

Benson: Just don't touch any of the food.

(End of "Survival Skills")