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This page is the transcript for "Spacey McSpaceTree".

(Episode begins at Space Tree Station. A target is shot at three times in the Shooting Range room. It is from Rigby, who is also with Mordecai.)

Rigby: Ooooh! Time to kick this up a notch.

(He sets the level of his laser gun to Master Blaster.)

Mordecai: Dude, you can't shoot at maximum power. Your little body can't handle it.

Rigby: You don't know what my body is capable of.

(Rigby shoots at the target, causing the shot to bounce everywhere, including cutting off a man's hairdo, leaving a hole on a man's donut, which he eats, it bounces through Colonel Rawl's office and is about to head towards the Canadian Domers' room)

Canadian 1: Hey those new curtains really tie the room together eh?

Canadian 2: Yeah eh you want more maple syrup for your pan cakes eh?

(Rigby's shot goes into the room and burns their curtain, causing the sprinklers to go off)

Canadians: Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

(Mordecai and Rigby look at each other, then circle-wipe transitions to Rigby in Colonel Rawls' office)

Colonel Rawls: The Canadians?! Of all people they're the most pleasant group on the entire Space Tree.

Rigby: I said I was sorry.

Colonel Rawls: You're a loose cannon Rigby and I won't tolerate your unsafe behavior anymore.

Rigby: Unsafe?! I'm totally... (knocks off Colonel Rawls' coffee mug, causing it to spill on Colonel Rawls' keyboard and computer, knocking down the light repair man and his ladder) ...safe?

Colonel Rawls: I'm putting you on probation, that means no more target practice, no outside privileges, and of course, no food trucks.

Rigby: (gasps in shock) But tomorrows Roxy’s famous fry truck, her butt salt is delicious.

Colonel Rawls: Guess its no butt salt for you.

Rigby: Can't you just let me slide just this once?

Colonel Rawls: Hmm, if you pass the Space Tree safety test I'll let you off the hook, but I suggest you start studying now. This thing's dryer than a bowl of pretzels on dust planet 9. (Grabs a big safety manual and places on his desk)

Rigby: Come on, Rawls I just graduated high school. I am not going to read that thing.

Colonel Rawls: Well there is another way for those less literate.

Rigby: Name it.

Colonel Rawls: Perkins, awaken Spacey McSpaceTree.

(Perkins grabs a key, unlocks it and hits a button, which awakens Spacey McSpaceTree, then Spacey comes in.)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Hey, everybody!

Colonel Rawls: (chuckles) Hello, Spacey, it's been a while.

Rigby: Who is this guy?

Colonel Rawls: Rigby, this is Spacey McSpaceTree, our beloved mascot, he's been put in cryo-sleep for the last 30 years.

Rigby: Pssht. That costume sure looks like it's from 30 years ago.

Spacey McSpaceTree: Costume?

Colonel Rawls: Hey, show him some respect! He's going to stick with you until you pass the test.

Spacey McSpaceTree: That's right you can't be Safey McSafety without Spacey McSpaceTree. It's nice to wake up to a new friend. Put 'er there, Rigby. (They both shake) Woah, woah there! That's a very unsafe handshake you got there. We're gonna have to work on that.

(Rigby grumbles. The Space Tree safety test begins)

Spacey McSpaceTree: So, in conclusion, the seatbelt goes over the waist. Do you need another demonstration?

Rigby: Augh! I got it! You already showed me, like, five times.

(Sips his space soda and puts it on an edge of his desk)

Spacey McSpaceTree: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! AAH!! Pump the brakes there, amigo! That's a safety violation waiting to happen!

Rigby: I was just putting it down, I wasn't gonna spill it.

Spacey McSpaceTree: Okay, picture this: see you walking around, minding your own business, then BAM! (Knocks the space soda off the table) You knock it into the table!

(The soace soda breaks on the floor and spills)

Rigby: Aw, come on!

Spacey McSpaceTree: Then, next thing you know. (Slips on the soda, slides and hits the door) Whoop! You end up hurting yourself. Or worse. (Slips on the soda and slides until he hits the wall) You end up in the hospital.

Rigby: Augh! You did that on purpose. That would never happen in real life.

Benson: (comes in) Hey, what's all the commotion in here? (Slips on the soda and slides until he hits Spacey)

Pops: (comes in with his tea set) Oh, Benson! (Slips on the soda and slides until he hits Benson and Spacey, breaking his tea set) Bad show!

Spacey McSpaceTree: See?!

(Circle-wipe transition to Muscle Man and Skips in a weight room with Skips struggling to lift weights)

Muscle Man: Come in, bro, dig deep!

(Skips keeps struggling until he finally lifts a weight until they float, revealing that it's zero gravity going off with a button pushed by Mordecai)

Mordecai: (giggles) Zero G.

(They laugh while they have fun in the zero gravity room)

Rigby: Aw, I wanted to pretend I could life heavy stuff. Stupid probation.

Spacey McSpaceTree: They're not even wearing helmets in there! Uno momento, Rig-bud!

(He goes into the room and floats near the button)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Hey, guys. Having a good time? Whoops! (Hits the zero gravity button, turning the room back on and injuring Mordecai, Muscle Man and Skips with the weights) Still look fun to you?! (One weight hits him on the helmet and he falls)

(Scene cuts time the cafeteria where Rigby's friends look injured)

Mordecai: Dude, what's wrong with your new friend?

Rigby: He's not my friend! He's just teaching me about safety so I can get off probation.

Skips: Why didn't you just read the safety manual?

Muscle Man: Yeah, bro, it's a really important read.

Rigby: Well, I wish I knew that before I got stuck with this crazy tree guy following me around and judging my every move! (Slams his tray on the table)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Rigby, that's a safety violation! Did you know that seven out of ten lunchtime injuries are directly relating to tray-slamming? This could have been you!

(He grabs Rigby's tray and slams it on the opposite side, splashing the food all over the gang, including the Canadian Domers)

Canadians: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry! I'm sorry.

Rigby: Spacey, what's your problem?!

Spacey McSpaceTree: Hey, I'm just watching your back, buddy. I still gotta teach you about safety with music.

(He puts a tape in a boombox as a montage begins with Spacey teaching Rigby about safety including the following: Rigby opens an oven that cooks a pizza, then he is about to grab it when Spacey moves him out of the way and shows him a demonstration by touching the pizza, causing him to be caught on fire as he stops, drops and rolls on the ground, then he gives Rigby oven mitts with Rigby looking at the pizza with Spacey's handprint on it. We are then shown to Spacey and Rigby on a field where Spacey making the letter "S" with his arms while Rigby is wearing the oven mitts. We cut to the Virtual Simulation room where Rigby is in, wearing a virtual reality helmet as a space quake initiates and he's shaking, but Spacey grabs the helmet, pushes Rigby out of the way and shows him another demonstration by taking cover underneath a table, thus breaking the helmet and gives it back to Rigby. We are then shown to Spacey and Rigby once again on the field where Spacey making the letter "S" with his arms again while Rigby holds his broken helmet. We cut to the park gang's bunker where Rigby lays down on his trampoline, but Spacey appears and gives another demonstration of how clothes will blind him by grabbing a pair of pants and blinding himself, thus Rigby leaves with a pillow. We are then shown to Spacey and Rigby on the field where Spacey making the letter "S" with his arms with a dancing jester dwarf while Rigby is wearing the oven mitts again. Cut to Rigby driving a space cart with Mordecai, looking horrible as the montage ends.)

Rigby: Safe... Safey McSafety... (snores)

Mordecai: Dude, turn, turn!

(Rigby quickly wakes up and turns the space cart, avoiding a huge box of dynamite)

Rigby: Gotta be safe! If I’m not safe, he'll show up!

Mordecai: Dude, are you alright? You look horrible.

Rigby: It's Spacey! I gotta get him off my back once and for all!

Mordecai: Yeah, you gotta pass that test. I can't take much more of that guy.

Rigby: Don't worry. I have a plan. Take the wheel!

Mordecai: Wait, where are you going?!

(Rigby bails out of the space cart)

Mordecai: Aren’t you on proba... (Screams as he sees a decoy of Rigby in his stead)

(Cut to Rigby and Colonel Rawls in a test room)

Colonel Rawls: So Spacey says you’re ready for this?

Rigby: Look, I even have written permission. (Shows him a tiny piece of paper that says "Rigby reddy 2 test spacee)

Colonel Rawls: Hmm. Looks like 30 years of cryosleep did a number on his penmanship, but if Spacey says you’re ready, you’re ready. This is our testing overlook machine, or as we like to call it T.O.M. It's proficient in all forms of safety protocol. Hello, T.O.M., this is Rigby.

T.O.M.: Hello, Rigby. I look forward to grading your test.

(T.O.M. prints out a future-looking test)

Rigby: Woah. This is a test? Does it come with a crazy pencil or something?

Colonel Rawls: No, there's no pencil. Just call out your answer and it will fill in automatically. Once it's complete, insert it into T.O.M. Good luck! (leaves)

(Cut back to Mordecai still taking the wheel in the space cart)

Mordecai: Augh! How long does he want me to do this? Huh?

(He sees Spacey in a police-like space cart in a side mirror as Spacey signals Mordecai to pull over, which he does and Spacey comes to the space cart)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Rigby, old buddy, old, pal. Couldn't help at notice you were driving a little irratically back there. That's not very (sees the Rigby decoy) SAFE?!?!

Mordecai: Uh... woah!

(Spacey grabs Mordecai by the chest)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Where is he?! Where's Rigby?!

Mordecai: Dude, I don't know, I don't know!

(Spacey lets go of Mordecai and leaves to look for Rigby)

Spacey McSpaceTree: RIGBY!!!!!

(Cut back to Rigby in the testing room where he is taking the test)

Rigby: Okay, question 17. B. (The test fills up the answer) Alright, question 18.

Spacey McSpaceTree: I'm coming, buddy!

(He drives up fast and a Canadian Domer jumps out of the way)

Spacey McSpaceTree: (to the Canadian Domer) Look both ways! You're not being safe!

Canadian: I'm sorry!

Rigby: Hmm, hmm. This is easier than I thought. C! (The test fills up the answer) Goodbye, Spacey and goodbye, probation.

Spacey McSpaceTree: RIGBY!!!! YOU'RE NOT READY!!!!

Rigby: Uh-oh. A, B, D, A, B, B, B! (The test fills up his answers)

(Spacey runs towards Rigby while he runs with the test and is about to put it into T.O.M., but Spacey grabs the test and he and Rigby are struggling for it)

Rigby: Let go!

Spacey McSpaceTree: No! You still have so much to learn!

Rigby: No! I'm threw with you!

(Rigby grabs the test and struggles to put into T.O.M.)

Spacey McSpaceTree: No!

(He bumps into Rigby as the test gets put in and T.O.M. is scanning the results)

Rigby: Yes!

(T.O.M. shows an error)

T.O.M.: Error. Test malfunction.

(As Rigby and Spacey take cover, T.O.M. turns evil, floats and grows tentacles of four unanswered questions with the test in the middle of his body)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Now, look what you’ve done!

Rigby: Me?! It was you! YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!

(T.O.M. attacks Rigby and Spacey, but they duck)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Ruining your life? I thought we were bros. You're the first friend I’ve had in 30 years. (On the verge of tears) Don't make like a tree and leave me.

(T.O.M. breathes fire as Rigby and Spacey jump, but the fire catches Spacey in the rump)

Rigby: Spacey!

Spacey McSpaceTree: AAAAH!! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

Rigby: Quick, stop, drop and roll!

(Spacey rolls to put out the fire, as the first question is correct and loses T.O.M.'s left tentacle)

Rigby: The test! I still gotta finish it!

Spacey McSpaceTree: Wh-what?! Us against that?! That's totally unsafe!

Rigby: Hey, sometimes you gotta be unsafe to be safe.

(T.O.M. grabs Rigby)

Rigby: Quick, grab the test and read me the questions!

Spacey McSpaceTree: Which ones did you leave blank?

Rigby: 27, 44 and 83.

(Spacey goes through the test guide)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Okay, question 27: What do you do during a space quake?

(Rigby drops from T.O.M.'s grasp and runs under a table)

Rigby: I know this. Oh, Duck and cover underneath the table!

(T.O.M. is about to grab Rigby again as the question 27 is correct and his right tentacle)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Nice one! Okay, next question: Where are you permitted to use Space Tree laser guns?

Rigby: Only in designated shooting areas! Aah! Or, if under attack, of course!

(T.O.M. pins Rigby as question 44 is correct as Rigby grabs his tentacle and and lands on top of T.O.M.)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Okay, last question: what should you never do with space soda?

(T.O.M. is shaking to get Rigby off of him)

Rigby: What are my options?!

Spacey McSpaceTree: A: Drink while operating heavy machinery, B: Put it on an edge of a table, C: Drink more than two bottles a day!

(T.O.M. is still shaking to get Rigby off of him)

Spacey McSpaceTree: Come on, Rigby! We went over this!

(T.O.M. grabs Rigby and pins him up the ceiling)

Rigby: D: All of the above!

(With the last question correct, T.O.M. loses his last tentacle as Rigby falls and T.O.M. turns back to normal)

T.O.M.: Safety test complete. Processing results. Congratulations. You pass.

(Circle-wipe transitions to the gang, the Jamaican Domers and the Canadian Domers in Colonel Rawls' office where they celebrate Rigby's congratulation party for completing the safety test with Rigby wearing a medal that says "I'm Safe!")

Rigby: Thanks guys. Hey I worked out.

Muscle Man: (offscreen) I never thought he could.

Rigby: Thanks for helping me out, Spacey.

Spacey McSpaceTree: No problem. Sorry for being so clingy. If I learned anything, it’s that being too attached is emotionally unsafe. Here. (Takes off his helmet and waves his long hair) You keep that safe for me.

Rigby: You got it, friend. (Puts on the helmet)

Mordecai: Care for more Roxy's food truck fries, Rigby? Or should I say, Safey McSafety (chuckles)

Rigby: (gasps as he sees Muscle Man's space soda on the edge of a table) Safety violation!

Muscle Man: Come on, bro! I'm not gonna spill it! (knocks his space soda off the table) Oops.

(The space soda breaks and spills on the floor as Benson and Pops enter Rawls' office with Pops' tea set)

Pops: Tea time!

(They slip, slide at the gang, the Jamaican Domers and the Canadian Domers and they land on Rawls' desk as the light repair man falls again and lands on the table, sending the fruit punch bowl flying as it lands on the jester, causing him to back up into an escape pod and flies off into space. Fire breaks out, causing the sprinklers to go off)

Spacey McSpaceTree: I'm going back to cryo-sleep. (leaves)

(Episode ends)

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