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This page is the transcript for "Skunked".

(Episode begins with Mordecai and Rigby picking up roadkill in the park.)

Rigby: (after finding a dead animal, marking a square on the bingo card) Ha-ha, dude, we only need a few more for a bingo! Up high!

Mordecai: This is totally gross, you know. I can't believe Benson made a dead animal bingo card to force us to pick up roadkill.

Rigby: So what? We have to pick up roadkill in the park anyway, it's part of our job. We might as well try to have a little fun while we're doin' it. Besides, Benson said we can stop once we get a bingo, so come on, man! Up high!

Mordecai: Ugh, fine. (gives Rigby a high-five) I still think you're enjoying this too much.

(shows them picking up road-kill, then shows a title card that says 8 hours later)

Mordecai: Dude, I think we've picked everything up.

Rigby: Don't worry dude, we're close. I can smell it! (sniffs) Ah, dude, if you're gonna crack one off in the cart, you could at least warn me!

Mordecai: Dude, it's not me. Look!

(They stop the cart they're in and see a huge skunk in the road, thinking it's dead.)

Mordecai: Ugh, skunk!

Rigby: Wait, skunk?!

(Rigby looks at the bingo card, seeing that finding a skunk can get them a bingo, Rigby gasps)

Rigby: Dude, Bingo!

Mordecai: Bingo?

Rigby: Bing-o-o-o-o-o-o, bing-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Mordecai: Bing-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Mordecai and Rigby: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Mordecai: Woahhhhh!!!

Rigby: (walks up to the skunk) Bing-o-o-o-o! Aah!

(The skunk sprays Rigby after waking up, with Mordecai holding his breath and trying to stay out of the stink cloud the skunk has formed)

Mordecai: (gasps; breathing heavily) Rigby?! You okay?

(Rigby coughs)

Skunk: Hey, whoa, whoa, watch it, watch it!

Rigby: What the heck, man?!

Skunk: You guys think you can just walk up to a guy in broad daylight and mug him without him fighting back?

Rigby: We weren't mugging you! We thought you were dead!

Skunk: I was taking a nap!

Rigby: In the middle of the road?!

Skunk: Oh, who are you - Mr. King Sandman, telling people where they can and cannot sleep?!

Mordecai: Sorry, we thought you were dead. We were just excited. We thought we got a bingo.

Skunk: So because you thought I was dead, you thought you got a bingo? What kind of sick game is that?!

Mordecai: It's— our boss made us... Well, okay, look — no bingo. No bingo.

Rigby: Well, how do I get rid of this smell?

Skunk: Ha! You think you just get to turn it off? No, I'm stuck with it, and now so are you.

Rigby: Come on dude, don't be a jerk! Tell me how to get rid of this.

Skunk: (angrily) Oh, I'm a jerk! (enlarges and picks Rigby up in the air) (yelling in a monstrous voice) Raaaaarr! You don't know what I am! Let's see how you like when you can't turn it off!

Mordecai: Let him go! (appears with a shovel) Let him go or I'm gonna make you wish you were road kill. (Skunk drops Rigby) Now get lost!

Skunk: (shrinks) You two are disgusting. I'm outta here! (walks off)

Rigby: Wait, at least tell me how to get this smell off!

Skunk: (yelling) Yeah, right! Figure it out for yourself! (walks through a hole in a fence)

Rigby: What?! Aaaagh! What am I gonna do now?

Mordecai: I don't know dude, but we gotta get that smell off you. It reeks.

(angered, Rigby's eyes grow, his body swells and grows furry, he picks up Mordecai by the neck, choking him)

Rigby: (growling; in a monstrous voice) Don't tell me about how I smell! I know it reeks! You don't think I know it reeks?!

(Mordecai chokes before Rigby lets Mordecai go. As Mordecai catches his breath, Rigby turns back to normal)

Rigby: (back to normal; gasps) What was that?! What did that thing do to me?!

Mordecai: Dude, we gotta find Skips.

(They find Skips outside his house.)

Skips: That was a Were-Skunk.

Rigby: What?

Skips: Yeah. And if you don't get that smell off, you'll turn into one too, you know.

Rigby: What?! What do I do?!

Skips: This is bad. This isn't regular skunk spray. You could try taking a shower. Or if that doesn't work, coffee will dehydrate you and draw some of the smell out, maybe.

Rigby: Seriously, a shower? Coffee? Come on!

(enlarges into a furious monster)

Rigby: (monstrous voice) You think you're so smart, don't you?! "Oh look at me, I'm Skips, I know everything because I'm so old, let me tell you how to fix your problems in a really lame way!" Well, you know what I think? (growls and grabs Skips) You don't know nothin'! You don't know nothin'! (Throws Skips down and shrinks back to normal size.)

Rigby: (back to normal; gasps) Dude, that wasn't me! Skips, I'm sorry!

Skips: (coughs) Forget it, it's fine. But you better get changed back soon. Because once the transformation is complete, you won't wanna change back.

(The duo go to the house)

Benson: What are you doing here? There's no way you got a bingo that fast. (sniffs and coughs) Ugh! What happened?!

Mordecai: Rigby got sprayed by a were-skunk.

Benson: A what?! Ugh!

Rigby: Look, we don't have time. We have to get him cleaned up.

Benson: Ugh! Fine! But don't think this counts as an excuse to get out of your work. You still have to fill out that bingo card. Ugh! (runs into the house while coughing)

(Mordecai is outside the bathroom while Rigby takes a shower)

Mordecai: Dude, I looked all over the internet. We should probably try Skips' coffee idea if the shower doesn't work.

(The shower turns off.)

Mordecai: Dude, did it work? Come on, come out!

(The door opens and it clearly did not work)

Mordecai: Ugh!

Rigby: I used everything, man -- the shampoo, the conditioner, the cologne, and the deodorant.

Mordecai: Man, I thought for sure the shampoo would work. Did you lather, rinse, and repeat?

Rigby: Yeah, I lathered, rinsed, and repeated! I used the whole bottle! (in his monstrous voice) What, you think I don't know how to wash my own hair?! Aah!

(Rigby transforms again, throws Mordecai off the hallway wall, and shrinks back to normal size again.)

Rigby: Mordecai, I'm sorry!

Mordecai: (groans) Just try and take it easy, okay?

Rigby: I'm sorry.

Mordecai: Look, we should go to the coffee shop.

(At the coffee shop, a customer runs outside and gasps from the smell.)

Mordecai: Just relax. I'm gonna go get you a coffee, okay? Relax.

(Rigby puts his face on the desk and whimpers as Mordecai goes to talk to Margaret and Eileen .)

Mordecai: Hey guys — heh, uh gals. Heh. Um, I need a coffee for Rigby — quick.

Margaret: What's wrong?

Mordecai: He got sprayed by a were-skunk.

Eileen: Oh, no!

Margaret: What are you guys doing here, then?

Mordecai: We heard coffee might cure him, but I don't know.

Eileen: Oh no, poor guy. I'm gonna go take him a coffee.

(The three take a coffee to the table.)

Eileen: Hey, Rigby.

Rigby: It's about time. (He slurps the cup of coffee)

Mordecai: Well? Did it work?

(Rigby sniffs himself and whimpers again.)

Eileen: Maybe you have to pour it on yourself?

Rigby: (scoffs) Fine.

(Rigby pours the hot coffee on himself and screams in pain, flying off his stool and onto the floor.)

Mordecai: Did it work?

Rigby: Argh! No! It was just really hot!

(Eileen giggles)

Rigby: You think this is funny?!

(Rigby transforms and lifts Eileen into the air.)

Rigby: (monstrous voice) Well, I don't think it's funny! This is my life you're laughing at!!

Mordecai: Rigby, stop! Stop!

(Rigby sees an angry, shocked crowd of customers, and a scared Eileen)

Eileen: Rigby, you're scaring me!

(Rigby looks full of regret, puts down Eileen, and turns back to normal)

Rigby: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... (runs out of the store in embarrassment)

Mordecai: Rigby, wait!

(Rigby shoves his way through a crowd of pedestrians, grabs the cart, and drives off into the park hills, finding the Were-Skunk's home.)

Rigby: Where are you at, skunk?!

(Rigby pounds the door)

Rigby: Skunk, come out! I know you're in there!

(The door opens and the skunk comes outside.)

Skunk: What?! Oh. It's you. What are you doing here?

Rigby: You have to tell me how to get rid of this.

Skunk: Why would I do that? I'm a huge jerk, remember?

Rigby: I'm sorry. You're not a jerk. Please just tell me how to stop this.

Skunk: Heh. Thing is, I'm sick of being the only skunk in town. Always getting dirty looks, people yelling at you, people hating you 100% of the time. Nah, with you as a skunk, things won't be so bad. All that negative attention won't fall just on me. It'll fall on you, too. We'll split it, fifty-fifty... partner.

Rigby: Noooooooo!

(Rigby transforms and dives for the Were-Skunk, knocking him onto his back into the house.)

Rigby: (punching the skunk) (monstrous voice) Tell me! Tell me how to end this! TELL ME!!

Skunk: (laughing) It's Pineapple Juice, but it's too late anyway. The transformation's already started, partner.

(Rigby runs for the cart and drives back down the hill. However, his hands turn black and like a skunk, causing the cart to melt beneath him. He sprouts a tuft of white hair on his forehead like that of a skunk. He continues to morph into a skunk as he runs home, the path melting behind him. He makes it to the house and dives through the closed front door.)

Benson: What the heck?

(Rigby jumps at Benson, knocking him to the ground, and continues to the kitchen, opening cabinets)

Rigby: There's the Pineapple Juice!

(Rigby struggles to find a can opener in the drawer)

Rigby: Come on, come on! (finally finds one) Yeah! (opens the can and pours it on himself; however, no effect is occurring) Ahh... it's not working!

(The skunk is in the kitchen, laughing evilly)

Skunk: Come on, you didn't think I'd tell you what the real cure was, did you? It's not Pineapple Juice. I was just stalling you so you'd run out of time. Don't worry. Once you're like me, you'll never wanna switch back.

(Rigby's transformation continues, and he screams out "Nooooooooooooo!" in anguish, as the skunk laughs.)

Skunk: Huh?

(Through the window, Mordecai is driving towards the house in a golf cart.)

Mordecai: Rigby! Rigby!

(He tries to get inside but the skunk locks the back door)

Mordecai: Dude, open the door!

Skunk: It's too late - he's my friend now!

Mordecai: Rigby, I've figured it out! It's Tomato Paste! The cure is Tomato Paste!

(Rigby dives for the cabinet and grabs the paste. A long and brutal fight breaks out as the skunk tries to prevent Rigby from opening the can. The skunk sprays Rigby dozens of times and looks to have won the battle)

Skunk: Don't worry, it's almost over, and then you and I will split the skunkin' duties at this park for the rest of eternity!

(Tire-screeching is heard, and a light appears)

Skunk: Huh? (gasps)

(Mordecai crashes through the wall on the golf cart, sending the skunk flying to the ground. The cart hits the wall, and Mordecai is trapped under it, coughing and groaning. The skunk approaches)

Skunk: You think you can stop me from splitting my pain with your friend? You can't stop it. You can't stop nothin'.

Mordecai: You're right, I can't stop it. But Rigby can.

(Mordecai throws the tomato paste to Rigby, who is holding a sledgehammer. Rigby stops the can with his foot, and the camera pans up Rigby's body, to reveal that his Were-Skunk transformation is almost complete.)

Rigby: (monstrous voice) Split this...

(Rigby smashes the can with the hammer and tomato paste flies across the room. Rigby turns back to normal.)

Mordecai: Ha ha ha, we did it! Yeah!

Rigby: Yeah, we did it, yeah!

(A human in a t-shirt and shorts is lying on the floor. He coughs)

Ex-Skunk Human: Thank... you! (makes a very weak grunt and passes out)

Mordecai: He still counts as a skunk, right?

Rigby: Totally counts as a skunk.

(Mordecai marks the skunk box on the bingo card.)

Mordecai: Bingo!

Mordecai and Rigby: Bing-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

(Mordecai throws away the bingo list. The two high five.)

Mordecai: Hunh! Ha ha ha! Yeah!

(End of Skunked)

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