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This is the transcript page for "Regular Show (Pilot)"
(Mordecai opens a refrigerator)
Mordecai: Milk...
(Rigby opens a cupboard)
Rigby: Cereal...
(They are both at the table and they both pour the milk and cereal into a bowl)
Mordecai & Rigby: ...Combine.
(Cut to a space background with text saying "REGULAR SHOW CREATED BY J.G. QUINTEL". As movement can be heard, it cuts back to the kitchen. Rigby is about to eat the cereal, but Mordecai stops him)
Mordecai: (picks up a spoon) This is the only clean spoon left, dude. Let's play "punchies" for it.
Rigby: Okay. Me first.
(Rigby punches Mordecai, but Rigby is shocked at how weak his punch was)
Mordecai: (starts laughing, then punches Rigby harder)
Rigby: (rubs his arm) Owww... take it.
(Rigby moves to the other side of the table as Mordecai laughs and starts eating his breakfast)
Mordecai: (stops eating) Man, so far, this job is awesome. I still can't believe we have our own rooms.
Rigby: Dude, those rooms aren't cool. There's nothing in them. I had to sleep on the floor last night. (starts pouring cereal into his mouth)
Mordecai: Well, yeah. But, I mean, we can go get stuff for it after we make some money. Ya know?
Rigby: (with cereal in his mouth) Yeah, I guess.
Mordecai: You want some milk?
Rigby: Yeah.
(Mordecai starts pouring milk into Rigby's mouth, but he gets interrupted by Benson and starts pouring the milk on Rigby's head)
Benson: Hey! (the scene moves to Benson and Pops carrying a chair out of the door) Please, don't eat up on the table like that!
Pops: Like what? (The scene then zooms into the chair, as angelic music starts to play. The scene cuts to Mordecai and Rigby, staring at the chair as Mordecai is still pouring the milk on Rigby's head) Oh my, I've never seen anyone eat cereal like that. How quaint.
(They're watching them walking with the couch)
Benson: Yeah, they shouldn't be doing that. That's what the bowls are for.
Pops: Oh, they're fine.
(Benson & Pops leave the room)
Mordecai: Did you see that chair?
Rigby: I love chairs...
(Mordecai & Rigby look at each other at the moment then run outside to see the chair)
Mordecai: Hey Pops, what are you doing with that chair?
Pops: Oh well, I no longer require its services. So Benson and I, are taking it to the place where the big man-made come upon it and whisk it away to magic trash city!
(They stare at him then look at Benson)
Benson: We're throwing it away.
Rigby: Aww, what?
Mordecai: Can we at least check it out before you chuck it?
(Rigby hangs onto the chair)
Rigby: Yeah, let us check it before you chuck it?
(Benson & Pops put the chair down)
Pops: (laughs) Well, that would be fine.
(Rigby laughs.)
Mordecai: Yeah...
Benson: Look, I gotta get back to work. You guys help him throw it away when you're done.
(Benson leaves the scene while Mordecai & Rigby come closer to the chair.)
Mordecai: Aw, man this chair is awesome. Look how awesome it looks.
Rigby: Dude, it sounds like old man pants.
(They both feel the couch which makes a cushion sound)
Mordecai: (laughs) I'm gonna sit in it.
Rigby: Good idea.
(Mordecai sits on the couch while awing. Later, he then feels uncomfortable.)
Rigby: What? What's wrong?
Mordecai: This is the most uncomfortable chair I ever sat in.
Rigby: Aw, what? Let me try.
Pops: Yes, I'm afraid it's true, I purchased it through the post, and it just isn't as comfortable as it looks.
Rigby: Awwwwwww. This is terrible. Maybe we're just not sitting it right.
Mordecai: Hmm, hmm.
Rigby: Come on baby, come on baby, come on! Come on baby!!!
(Rigby pull his eyes and bites the chair and sits on the chair)
Rigby: It's just not comfortable, man.
Mordecai: Hey Pops, since you're throwing it out anyway, can I just have it?
Rigby: No, let me have it!
Mordecai: I asked him first. Come on, Pops!
Rigby: No, Pops, me!
Pops: Well, I don't think I know who to give it to. But if you two can settle it between yourselves, then you're more than welcome to have it.
Mordecai: Yeah, let's play punchies.
Rigby: No way! I'm not playing that game with you anymore. If we're playing for something like that chair, then we need to play a game that takes a little more skill.
Mordecai: How much skill?
Rigby: Rock paper scissors. (Spins around Mordecai)
Pops: Oh, I adore rock paper scissors. Although where I come from, we called it quartz parchment shears.
Mordecai: Alright, fine. Ready?
Rigby: Hmm.
(Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears one tie)
Pops: Oh my!
(Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears two ties and Pops laugh)
Benson: Shouldn't you guys be throwing that thing away?
Pops: Benson, come quick! Quartz parchment shears and they already tied two times, it's absolutely fascinating!
Benson: I have work to do. They shouldn't be playing that. It's an evil game.
Pops: Whoo, an evil game.
Rigby: Two ties. You don't know what I'm throwing next, baby.
Mordecai: Pfft! I already know what you're gonna throw before you even throw it, baby.
Rigby: That's not even possible, baby!
(Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears eight ties and Pops watches in amazement; Rigby kicks the dirt)
Mordecai: Come on... (He walks away)
Pops: Good show! Jolly good show!
(Montage begins where Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears 99 ties and Pops watches in shock until the montage ends. A crowd of people are yelling as they watch Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears)
Rigby: La la la la la la la la!
Mordecai: No! No!
Pops: Ninety-nine times in a row! (laughs)
Mordecai: Enough! Why are we even doing this?! You don't think this chair is comfortable!
Rigby: So?! Neither do you!
Mordecai: Dude, I was lying. I was just saying it so you wouldn't want it.
Rigby: I was lying also. I love that chair.
Mordecai: Well, then, I guess it's too bad that after I win it, I'm never gonna let you sit in it.
Rigby: (groans) Then finish it!
(Mordecai and Rigby play quartz parchment shears 100 ties, but lightning strikes and an evil voice laughing is heard from the sky)
Evil Voice: Since no one can decide, and all that's played is tied 100 times, I'd take it upon myself to eat your prize.
(A black hole appears in front of them, and the people run to the house for safety)
Rigby: What is that?!
Mordecai: Come on, let's go!
(They go to the house for safety, except a businessman, who gets sucked into the black hole)
Rigby: This is all your fault!
Mordecai: How is this my fault?! I just wanted to play punchies!
(They see the chair about to be sucked into the black hole)
Rigby: The chair! (He goes after the chair)
Mordecai: Rigby! (He goes after Rigby)
Pops: Oh? Oh! Oh, dear! (He goes after the duo to save the chair)
(Cut to a different area of the park where Benson and Skips are driving in the cart)
Pops: (over the speaker) Hello, hello?! Please, someone, come quick! Quartz parchment shears gone terribly- (The speaker dies)
Benson: Pops, where are you? (He and Skips see an explosion behind the bushes; sighs) Skips, take the shortcut, I'll go around back.
Skips: Hmm!
(He takes the shortcut through the bushes and Benson drives the cart back to the guys)
Benson: Idiots.
(Rigby, Mordecai, and Pops hold on a lamppost as they're screaming, trying to save the chair, but the black hole monster reveals itself and roars and goes back into the black hole, and it gets bigger and stronger, making Pops let go of the lamppost, and as the trio are about to be sucked into the black hole, Skips grabs Pops' legs)
Pops: Skips!
Skips: What did you do?!
Benson: (he came with the cart) They were playing rock paper scissors, grab on.
Skips: (he grabs on a bar) Don't you know? That's an evil game!
Benson: Hold on, everybody.
Pops: Hold on, everybody!
Mordecai: Hold on, every... Rigby!
(Half of Rigby's body is sucked into the black hole along with the chair, Benson and Skips gasp, but Benson drives the cart towards the garage door, pulling half of Rigby's body and the chair out of the black hole, Benson continues driving until he hits the garage door)
Skips: What do we do?!
Benson: You have to break the tie!
Mordecai: Rigby, we have to end this! I'm gonna throw rock!
Rigby: Yeah, right!
Mordecai: I'm not kidding!
Benson: Hurry up! Do it now!
(Mordecai and Rigby break the tie, causing the black hole to explode, leaving the park ruined. Everybody gets up)
Mordecai: Did you win?
Rigby: (coughs)
Mordecai: I think you've won.
Rigby: (sighs) It doesn't matter. I wasn't able to hold on to the chair anyways.
Pops: Look!
(Half of the chair is still left)
Mordecai and Rigby: Aww, cool.
Benson: No you don't! You're not getting that chair. But here's what you do get. You get to flip that cart back over, you're throwin' that chair away, and then you're cleaning up this whole MESS!! Pops, you're comin' with me. And you two idiots, if this isn't cleaned up when I get back, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
(Benson walks into the house with Pops and Skips)
Mordecai: Rock paper scissors for who gets to drive the cart?
(End of Pilot)