This page is the transcript for "Married and Broke".

(Episode begins at Pops' house.)

Rigby: Ugh! Why do we gotta watch the Wedding Network?

(Mordecai, Rigby, Fives and Muscle Man are in the living room, sitting in fornt of the TV.)

Rigby (continued): The jet-ski channel is just two channels away!

Muscle Man: Shut your face, bro. I'm trying to get ideas for Starla and I's wedding. So far, I thought of 10-foot onion ring towers, special seats that spin donuts, and a blimp that floats above the reception and rains barbecue sauce on command.

(The announcer is heard on TV.)

Announcer: Do you have an unrealistically ambitious wedding?

Muscle Man: No.

Announcer: Then become a contestant on "Married on Broke!" (shows different couples doing crazy activities on the gameshow) A twisted new gameshow from the makers of "Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice, I Punch Your Face!"

Rigby: Oh, I've seen this one at Eileen's. People do the craziest stuff for a stupid wedding. I give it, like two and a half.

Mordecai: Out of what?

Rigby: I don't know.

Kyle Garrity: Congratulations! We're paying for the wedding of your dreams!

(The crowd cheers, then a husband sets on fire and Kyle grabs a fire extinguisher and extinguishes the fire off of him)

Muscle Man: I don't need some demeaning game to pay for my wedding, I have all the money I could ever want.

Rigby: What? How?

Muscle Man: Smart investments. Yeah, I've been using my paychecks to invest a little bumper stock called the Ant Farm Industry. (He opens the closet to reveal ant farms in it)

Mordecai, Rigby and Hi Five Ghost: Ant farms?

Muscle Man: So I'm pretty much basically rich. (His phones rings and he answers it) Talk to me.

Maurice: Muscle Man, it's your stockbroker. I'm calling to tell you that, uh... Yeah, ant farms are not real, not a real thing to invest in, a very bad investment, and, uh, I am not an accredited stockbroker.

Muscle Man: What are you saying, Maurice?

Maurice: (as he is being arrested by two cops in a desert) Oh, boy. You got no money, you just got a bunch of ants. Oh, ho, ho. Good luck fo the rest of your life!

(Maurice's call ended and Muscle Man closes his phone)

Rigby: What was that all about?

(His phone rings again in a different ringtone and Muscle Man answers it)

Muscle Man: Babe?

Starla: (as she's in a flower store) Babe, the flowers for our wedding, they're so expensive! You won't believe how expensive they are!

Muscle Man: Oh, come on, like, how many ant farms are we talking here?

Starla: (via-phone) Mitch, they don't take ant farms.

(Muscle Man is shocked at this, then the scene circle-wipes to a studio called "YZB - Studios" where Muscle Man and Starla are in the Casting Director's office, talking about how they want to be on the gameshow.)

Muscle Man (holding flashcards) Ahem. So, that's why we wanna be on your... (flips one flashcard) Thank you.

Casting Director: "Married and Broke" isn't a crass, violent show like "Fool Me Twice", it's a sweet, romantic show about love.

(One employee named Neil came bursting through the door)

Neil: A contestant's hair is on fire!

Casting Director: Augh! For the last time, Neil, the infirmary's next door!

Neil: Thank you, ma'am. (He leaves)

Casting Director: Anyway, our audience want to see couples they can love, and I fear you may not be likable or relatable enough for our viewers.

Starla: It's okay, Mitch. Our wedding will still be fine without flowers or anything else a wedding usually has.

(Muscle Man starts to get mad.)

Muscle Man: No one tells my girl where she can and can't be on TV! She's a goddess! (breaks a table with his fist) You couldn't even handle her!

(The Casting Director grabs her picture frame and removes her picture of her family and moves her picture frame on Muscle Man and Starla as Muscle Man starts wrecking the office.)

Starla: Mitch, calm down!

Casting Director: Hmm. Now this I like. You guys are in.

Muscle Man: (stops) Wait, what?

Casting Director: I said, you're in!

(Muscle Man and Starla are excited and Muscle Man twirls his shirt in the air and Starla jumps happily)

Muscle Man: WHOOOOO!!! Let's go win ourselves a wedding! (They kiss)

Casting Director: I'm gonna get the biggest bonus.

(Cut back to the house where Mordecai, Rigby and Hi Five Ghost are ready to watch Muscle Man and Starla's appearance on "Married and Broke")

Mordecai: Dude, it's starting. Turn it up, turn it up!

Skips: (enters the living room) Try not to get crumbs on the floor, I've noticed an ant problem lately.

Hi Five Ghost: Muscle Man's on a gameshow so he can afford his lavish wedding.

Skips: Make room for me on the couch.

Kyle Garrity: Hello, everybody, and welcome to "Married and Broke!" It's me, your host, Mr. Kyle Garrity. Let's meet our couples. (He goes to the Puppy Couple who are holding two puppies each) Hello there, what's your story?

Puppy Fiancé: Well, we sell puppies.

Puppy Fiancée:But you know, with the economy, we couldn't sell enough puppies to afford our wedding.

Kyle Garrity: Can we get a closeup on that, Hank? (the camera closes up to one puppy who is yawning) Oooh, that is one young dog.

(The audience cheers)

Kyle Garrity: (goes to the Orphan Couple) How about you two?

Orphan Fiancée: (grabs the microphone from Kyle) Well, thanks for asking, Kyle. We learned about five years ago that they are orphans, so, like, we're a foundation to end orphan-ism. (the audience cheers again) But we're a non-profit, so we need to, like, pay the orphans to put together our wedding.

Kyle Garrity: That's so honorable. (goes to Teddy and Tina) Our next contestants, Teddy and Tina!

Teddy: Thank you, thank you. We lost our wedding fund tragically while fighting in the army for our great country. We were carrying money on our backs, but a grenade blew it up while we saved an entire platoon from a rebel attack. But we'd do it again.

(They ripped off their clothes to reveal their American jumpsuits)

Teddy and Tina: For America!

(The audience cheers again)

Kyle Garrity: (goes to Muscle Man and Starla) And you two... you... What's... what's all this about?

Muscle Man: Well, I'm, like, a guy, and she's, like, a chick, and we want 10-foot onion rings at our wedding so that's what we wanna pay for.

(One member from the audience, who looks unhappy at their appearance, leaves)

Kyle Garrity: Well, aren't you good for stating the idea of the show! Now, for the rules. You will compete in a set of really crazy, physical challenges. The last couple standing wins the free wedding! May the worst couple fail.

(The game starts as the names various obstacles appear onscreen. The first challenge is the "Tower and Shower Challenge" where the couple contestants have to climb up a giant tower made out of many wine glasses. Teddy and Tina use aerobics to get to the top and they pull the rope that pours water and they couple contestants stand still except for the Orphan Couple who were knocked off by the water, causing them to lose. Teddy and Tina win the first challenge. The next challenge is "Can Ring Run" where the boys have to carry the girls while wearing rings while running on presents while avoid the cans. Muscle Man and Starla are knocked by the cans and Teddy and Tina win the second challenge. Starla grabs Muscle Man and they continue to run through the second challenge. We zoom out of the TV at the house where the guys, including Benson and Pops, cheer on Muscle Man and Starla when they noticed ants coming at them. Cut back to the game show where the next challenge is "Love Dove" where they have to train the doves, which Teddy and Tina did when they expand their arms and four doves each land on their arms)

Muscle Man: Oh, come on...! (A dove flies into his mouth)

(The next challenge is the "Leap of Faith" where they have to jump and use their bottle rockets and not to get eaten by crocodiles wearing bridal hats. Teddy and Tina jump and pull their bottle rockets, which pops out confetti and they land on the target)

Teddy and Tina: (hi-five) Yeah!

(The Puppy Fiancé accidentally pulls one string of his rocket bottle, causing the Puppy Couple to land on a side of the gameshow and lose. Muscle Man and Starla fall and grab their strings of their bottle rocket)

Muscle Man: Oh, no bro!

(They pulled their strings of their bottle rockets and they land safely on the floor)

Muscle Man: We made it at the last second.

(We zoom out of the TV at the house again where the ants attack the guys while screaming. Cut back to the gameshow, where they face the next challenge, "High Rice" where Muscle Man and Starla and running towards two guys who are throwing rice at them. Teddy and Tina try to get pass them, but they slip on the rice and they fall, much to Muscle Man and Starla's delight, but Ted whistles and a flock of doves from the "Love Dove" challenge grab Teddy and Tina to safety, much to Muscle Man and Starla's annoyance. The challenges end)

Kyle Garrity: And we're left with two remaining teams. Teddy and Tina, how are you two holding up?

Tina: Well, Kyle, after that rebel attack, we're just happy to be here. It's like a dream.

Teddy and Tina: Ah, an American dream.

(The audience cheers)

Kyle Garrity: And, in an very unlikely turn, these guys. Them. Well, onto the final round: cross the threshold! (The curtain falls down to reveal a obstacle course similar to the Baka Blitz from "Fool Me Twice") The first team to carry their fiancé across every threshold and ring the wed-ding dong wins!

Muscle Man: Uh, doesn't this obstacle course look kinda like the one from...

Kyle Garrity: What, are we made of money?! Are your marks. (The two couples team start their positions) Get set.

Starla: Mitch?

Muscle Man: We got this, babe.

Kyle Garrity: Go!

(The two teams start. Teddy carries Tina through a door, then Muscle Man carries Starla and he tries to do the same, but they can't fit)

Starla: Mitch!

Muscle Man: Suck it in.

(They finally fit through the door and they continue on. Teddy and Tina jump through one door a wheel of doors, then Muscle Man and Starla do the same, but they crashed it.)

Muscle Man: Come on, babe. (He continues on)

Starla: Mitch!

(They jump on the trampoline through a door, and they continue on. Muscle Man does the same, but he goes through the door)

Muscle Man: Starla, come on! We gotta...

Starla: (from a distance) Mitch!

Muscle Man: Huh? (sees Starla on the trampoline, looking sad. He goes to her) Starla, what's wrong?

Starla: Look at them, Mitch.

(They see Teddy and Tina go through a double-decker doorway as they continue on)

Muscle Man: What are you seeing here, babe?

Starla: There's a perfect couple, Mitch. They've got something special and everyone loves it. And where does that leaves us? We're just second-rate. People like us don't get cheered on, they see our love and it makes them wanna toss it.

Muscle Man: Listen, Starla, I may have made some bad investments in my life, but this relationship isn't one of them. I don't care if people like us, 'cause I love you, and we got something they don't have: passion.

(They kiss each other)

Audience Member 1: Hold on! Do these two have actual wants and desires? I relate to that!

Audience Member 2: Even though they're really hard to look at, they're doing it for love.

Audience Members: Yeah, alright!

(They continue to kiss as they form an electric giant red crystal. Teddy and Tina see this.)

Teddy: I've never seen anything like that.

(They continue on, destroying every threshold in the obstacle course as Teddy and Tina continue on as they get closer to the red button)

Tina: Toss me, Teddy!

(Teddy tosses her to the red button as she and the crystal are getting closer to it, then a white explosion appears as the dust clears and the audience sees Muscle Man and Tina's hands on the red button)

Kyle Garrity: Wow! Whooo! Could we get an instant replay on that, Hank?

(The camera plays the footage in slow motion and reveals that Tina uses her big polished American fingernail to press the red button, meaning Teddy and Tina won the gameshow and the audience cheers on them.)

Teddy: Thank you! Thanks, everyone!

Tina: Oh, thank you so much!

Teddy and Tina: USA, eh? USA, eh? USA, eh?

Muscle Man: Huh? Hold up! "USA" only has three letters in it. Say it again, bro.

Teddy: Ahem. Uh, USA, eh?

(The audience gasp in shock)

Kyle Garrity: "Eh"?!

Teddy: Alright, look, look, we... Oh, we sure are sorry. We can't help it, we're Canadians.

(They reveal their shirts with the Canadian symbol on it under their American jumpsuits and the audience gasp in shock again)

Kyle Garrity: How dare you!

Audience Member 3: So, that's why they were so nice and perfect!

Teddy: (goes to the microphone) Oh, we sure feel like a couple of hosers. We're just simple maple farmers. I ride my moose to work just like anyone else and I put on my hockey mask on one strap at a time. We thought having a big fancy American wedding for free was more important than telling the truth, and we're sorry.

Kyle Garrity: (cries for a bit and wipes his tear with his tissue) Get... get them out of my sight! They're disqualified!

(The board changes Teddy and Tina's score from "winner" to "disqualified" and a cop arrests Teddy and Tina and they leave, then Kyle goes to Muscle Man and Starla)

Kyle Garrity: I'm sorry I forgot your names before, but television glorifies beautiful people. I've actually struggled with my looks for years. That's why I grew this mustache, otherwise I'd look like a newborn baby. Muscle Man and Starla are the winners!

(The audience cheer on them as the board scores Muscle Man and Starla as winners, and they're so glad they won)

Starla: I'm sorry I called us second-rate, Mitch.

Muscle Man: It's alright, babe. We'll still have a first-rate wedding.

Starla: Could we have a blimp that rains barbecue sauce?

Muscle Man: (gasps at his idea from earlier and blushes) Babe.

(They hug as they audience cheers, then we cut back to the house, now destroyed with a giant ant hill behind it. Mordecai, Rigby, Fives, Benson and Skips made it out alive from the Alien Ants' invasion)

Mordecai: Is everyone okay? I think we got 'em all.

(A UFO with two Alien Ants in it appears above them)

Alien Ant: Curse you, Mordecai and Rigby! We'll get you!

(A missile that destroys the UFO and killing the Alien Ants is fired by Pops, who holds a bazooka)

Rigby: Thanks, Pops.

Pops: Oh, my pleasure.

Mordecai: So, do you think Muscle Man and Starla won that gameshow?

(Episode ends)

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