This page is the transcript for "Lift With Your Back".

(We begin with the Park entrance. Then we are shown Mordecai and Rigby hosing the grass.)

Rigby: And then I'll live in a mansion with fast internet.

Mordecai: How fast?

Rigby: Faster than you!

(Rigby sprays at his legs.)

Mordecai: Whoa! Haha! Watch it!

(CJ comes driving in her car.)

CJ: Beep beep! Yo! My horn is broken, let's go! BEEEEEP!

Mordecai: Oh, CJ's here early. Hey, can you cover for me so we can go hang out?

Rigby: Sure, man.

(He takes Mordecai's hose.)

Mordecai: Cool.

(He waves and walks off.)

Rigby: Double fisted!

(He makes shooting sounds while spraying with the hoses. Cut to Mordecai and Rigby picking up garbage.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!

Mordecai: Oh, hey man. Sorry about this. I'm taking CJ to see that Swedish movie with the crying, so....

Rigby: Oh, okay. Well, have fun.

(Mordecai gives Rigby his garbage picker and runs off.)

Mordecai: I probably won't. It's pretty cerebral and really sad!

(Rigby goes back to picking rubbish.)

Rigby: Stab. Stab.

(Cut to Mordecai and Rigby wiping the windows.)

Mordecai:  Hey, uh, sorry, but....

Rigby: Yeah, yeah, I got it.

(Mordecai gives him his napkin.)

Mordecai: Great!

(He leaves.)

Rigby: Wipe, wipe, wipe!

(Cut to Benson taking to Rigby, Muscle Man, Fives, Pops and Skips.)

Benson: So, if anyone has any leads on this issue, there is a $12 reward.

(Mordecai goes to him.)

Benson: Oh, maybe Mordecai has some insight on who's been wrapping the public toilet seats with plastic wrap.

Mordecai: Sorry I'm late. I was moving CJ's couch.

Muscle Man: Oh ho ho! I guess CJ's the remote in that relationship, because she's the one with all the control! Does anyone want me to explain? Do we get it?

Benson: We get it.

Pops: I'm afraid I don't quite-

Benson: We get it! (to Mordecai) It's a good thing you're here. I'm gonna need you to help Rigby change the lightbulbs.

Rigby: Oh, I can do that myself.

Benson (sarcastically): Ha ha. Yeah, sure you can.

Rigby: Yeah, I can! I help all the time!

(Everyone laughs.)

Rigby (continued): Why are you laughing?!

Muscle Man: Bro, without Mordecai, you'd be totally useless.

Rigby: Wha- Come on, Mordecai, tell him how useful I am.

Mordecai: Uhh...yeah, I mean, you're fun.

Rigby: What? No, tell him I'm useful!

Mordecai: Yeah, you're my friend.

Rigby: Why aren't you saying the word useful?!

Mordecai: Well, I mean there was the time with the chairs, the limousine, the pretzel. You're basically the opposite of useful pretty much anytime we do anything.

Rigby: But we did those things together!

Mordecai: Yeah, I mean, you were there.

Rigby: So the whole time I've been covering for you and CJ?

Mordecai: Well, I mean, it's the least you could do.

Rigby: The least...I could.....I quit.

Mordecai: What?

Rigby: I quit! I can get a paycheck anywhere!

(Everyone laughs at Rigby again.)

Mordecai: Dude, you can't get a job without me. It's my references that got you this job in the first place.

Rigby: Reference this! I'm gonna go out and get a job, and I'm gonna make money at that job. and that money's gonna come in the form of a check. And that check's gonna be in an envelope, and the envelope's gonna be sealed, and I'm gonna rub that sealed envelope all up in your face, Mordecai! PEACE!

(Rigby makes a raspberry noise from the park all the way to the Local Temp Agency.)

Rigby: Do you have any openings for someone who wants to rub something in his friend's face?

Lady: Oh sure, we have a variety of positions for anyone with a college diploma.

Rigby: I never went to college.

Lady: (puts away some documents) Well there's still some for high school graduates.

Rigby: I never graduated high school.

Lady: (puts away a large stack of documents) Well, as long as you have a drivers license. (Rigby remains silent.)

Lady: (puts away the last stack of documents) Well...there is this one.....

Rigby: As long as I'm getting a paycheck I'm doing it!

Lady: Alright. (gives Rigby a card)

Rigby: Hmmmm..... (looks at the "Lift with your back" card)

(At the Lift With Your Back Co)

Manny: The name's Manny, this here's my moving company, I built it with my back up! We got everything you need here. Cardboard boxes, packing peanuts, packing tape..... Turn around.

Rigby: What?

(Manny twirls his finger, Rigby turns around, showing his single buttcheek.)

Manny: Hmmm.... you only got one butt cheek, you don't have much of a back on you. But we need as many backs as we can get for this next job.

Rigby: Okay? What should I do?

Manny: Just load up on the back of that truck with the other flunkies.

(Rigby enters the back of the truck, one of the guys closes the back.)

(At the outside of someone's house)

Manny: Alright you crumbums! We got a seven bedroom doghouse we gotta move in an hour! I don't want to hear any of your backtalk out of you backblisters, or you're back on the street! Now keep up the good work! I respect the heck out of ya!

(Rigby lifts one of the boxes)

Manny: Woah there in your back! What do you think you're doing? You gotta lift with your back!

Rigby: What? Really?

Manny: We are called "Lift with your back" for a reason. Are you trying to ruin my brand? Let me show you how it's done kid.

(Manny removes his shirt and lifts the box, revealing a six pack on his back.)

Rigby: Eawwwww! uhh....

(Rigby sees other workers, they too have abs on their back.)

Manny: You want that paycheck? Lift with your back!

Rigby: Uhhh.... (he lifts a box and walks at the front door)

Manny: C'mon what are you doing kid? Don't use the front door! Use the back door!

Rigby: But it's twice as far!

Manny: What are you trying to ruin my brand? Get back there!

(Rigby grumbles, and then lives the box and walks to the back door.)

Manny: Hm. That kid's got heart.

(At night, Rigby tiredly walks towards his bed, and lies his head in it)

Mordecai: Oh, there you are! I knew you were faking earlier.

Rigby: Faking? HA! Does this look like the back of a faker? (Shows his back)

Mordecai: (ignores his back) Look, I need you to cover for me again. CJ's half birthday party is tomorrow and it's pretty important.

Rigby: What? Are you serious?!

Mordecai: Yeah, C'mon man! You slacked off your whole life! Can I just have this?

Rigby: No! You have things all the time! Player 1, the bed, punchies, a diploma, a girlfriend?!

Mordecai: Oh Jeez, is this what this is about? You not liking CJ?

Rigby: No, CJ is cool! But I helped you all the time with her. And I helped you get with and over Margaret! And you never even thanked me!

Mordecai: Of course I did! I think I did?

Rigby: 4 days Mordecai, 4 days till I rub that paycheck all up in your sorry face!

(Benson walks in)

Benson: Oh, uh, Rigby. You're still here. *clears throat* As you know, room and board is for employees only, and we kinda need the space for this old dot matrix printer.

(Skips pushes in a dot matrix printer. Rigby shakes and sheds a tear)


Benson: Oh, with the paycheck you earned, in the sealed envelope?

Rigby: Yes, in the sealed envelope!

(Lift with your back truck seen beside the four-star hotel)

Rigby:. Huh, four more days.

Manny: Your back, you gotta use your back!

(Rigby walks into the Coffee Shop)

Rigby: Ah, my back!

Eileen: How was Day Two?

Rigby: All this back-breaking labor is killing my back. I don't know if I can live with my back all week. Maybe I should just take my old job back.

(Eileen massages his back.)

Eileen: Why do you keep saying "back"?

Rigby: It's all I hear all day!

Eileen: I don't mean to sound harsh, but this seems like a toxic work environment. Your back's all mangled and ropey.

(Eileen cracks Rigby's back.)

Rigby: Thanks- OW!

Eileen: Quit squirming. Doesn't your boss know to lift with your legs? That's-- That's, like, Hauling and Packing 101!

Rigby: Yeah, I don't know what his deal is, but he keeps saying I've got heart or something.

Eileen: Then that's the one thing upon which we agree. You've got heart, Rigby, and in three days, you'll have a paycheck too.

(Rigby smiles)

Rigby: Can I get a cup of coffee?

Eileen: You got $1.50?

(Cuts to Rigby at work)

Manny: Now, today's gonna be a big day, and some of you schnooks are looking a little back-bottomed, so I'm gonna play the company song to get your backs on track!

(Music plays, Rigby is lifting more boxes, and the other three workers are shown to be impressed. Rigby is later shown in a truck, marking the third day off. Next day, Eileen is shown massaging Rigby's back, when Mordecai calls him on his phone. Rigby throws his phone into an opened box labeled "trash cans". Rigby continues to lift even more boxes. Eileen looks at Rigby, worried. Rigby in the truck again, circling the dollar sign, indicating it's payday.)

Manny: Alright, you pickle pouches, time for your back pay! Joe! Murray! Rorschach! Rigby!(lifts the letter higher) Ah!

Rigby: Hey, what the heck man?! I've been doing your lame back stuff all week! Now pay up!

Manny: Oh, you'll get your paycheck.

(Manny folds the letter into a plane, puts it on his back, and launches it all the way back in a loaded truck.)

Rigby: Hey, what gives?!

Manny: Tell him Murray.

Murray: Hello, Rigby.

Rigby: Murray.

Murray: It's kind of company tradition that on your first paycheck, you got to move a full truck by yourself.

Rigby: What?! Are you serious?!

Manny: Hey, my back is tied. You want the paycheck, you move the boxes!

(Rigby grumbles, and walks to the loaded truck, and surprised by the amount of boxes he has to move. A cart approaches Rigby, with Eileen and Mordecai sitting in it, they walk towards Rigby.)

Rigby: Ugh! Eileen, why'd you bring that guy here?

Eileen: 'Cause you guys are friends, and you always support each other.

Mordecai: Dude, come on, you don't have to go through all this to prove a point. You got to stop, man. Let me help.

Rigby: No, I'm doing it myself!

Mordecai: You're just gonna hurt your back, dude!

Rigby: Can't be worse than when you stabbed it!

Mordecai: What? Come on.

Rigby: You think the only thing I'm useful for is being your chump! (imitates Mordecai) "Rigby, help me get a girlfriend!", "Let me borrow your time machine, Rigby!", "Rigby, I found a dumb sweater, and I got to return it!". All you do is use me, man.

Mordecai: But I never asked you to do those things.

Rigby: Of course you didn't! (sighs) I helped 'cause you're my friend.

Mordecai: Then let me help you.

Rigby: No! This is my job, and I gotta unload this truck.

(Rigby walks back into the moving truck,

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