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This page is the transcript for "Happy Birthday Song Contest".

(The episode starts with Mordecai, Rigby, CJ and Eileen in Eileen's house, watching TV)

Woman: And voila! This cake looks so yummy and now, I'm going to eat the whole thing all by myself.

Rigby: Cake!

Mordecai: Want cake!

Mordecai and Rigby: Need cake!

CJ: Why don't we go get some cake?

Mordecai: Are you kidding? Do you know how crazy the cake prices are in this town?

Eileen: Ever since that bakery cartel moved in, they kept the prices up and the supply down.

Rigby: Darn bakers!

Farmer Jimmy: (voiceover on the TV) Fellow Americans, does ever happen to you?

Female Employee: It's Susan's birthday, everyone! Come on, let's sing!

Employees: Ha--

Male Employee: Aaaaaaaaarrrrggh!!!

Farmer Jimmy: (comes into the scene) Are you sick to death of this old birthday song?

Male Employee: Yes I am! (Punches his computer)

Farmer Jimmy: Well, boy, howdy, so am I! Hi, it's me, Farmer Jimmy, part-time turkey farmer and social applicant, but you already knew that. But what you may not know is that old birthday song offense my music sensibility so deeply, I barely have words to describe it. That's why I'm holding a contest to write a new birthday song. Not only will the winner create history by finally overthrowing Happy Birthday, but you'll also get a year supply of our farm-fresh birthday cakes.

Voice: Birthday cakes are not actually farm-fresh.

Farmer Jimmy: I'll see you at my farm, not singing that song, but your new one.

Mordecai: Dude, a year supply of cake? We gotta write the next happy birthday song.

(Circle-wipe transition to Pops' House where Mordecai and Rigby are in Benson's office)

Mordecai: Can we get the next three days off from work?

Benson: Um, no.

Rigby: But, Benson, we have to go compete in a happy birthday song contest. If we don't write a song to replace Happy Birthday...

Benson: Wait, the song that wins this contest will replace Happy Birthday? You can go to the contest.

Mordecai and Rigby: Nice!

Benson: I'm counting on you guys to put that happy birthday song in its grave. I can't, I just...

(Scene changes to the guys writing their new happy birthday song while walking)

Mordecai: Hey, Muscle Man.

(Muscle Man is doing some exercises on a tree branch)

Muscle Man: Three.

Mordecai: Will you listen to our new song and tell us what you think?

Muscle Man: (comes down from the tree branch) Por supuesto, bro.

Mordecai: Okay, so this is the first thing we came up with, so it may be a little rough still.

Muscle Man: Unnecessary information noted.

Mordecai: (to Rigby) Ready?

(Rigby nods, then as they started singing their new happy birthday song, a sound from leather workout boots is heard, and Muscle Man is touched by their new song)

Muscle Man: (sniffles) Okay, one: that sound was my new leather workout boots. Still breaking 'em in. And two: that song I've never heard anything more beautiful.

(Scene cuts to the road where Mordecai, Rigby, CJ and Eileen driving to Farmer Jimmy's Turkey Farm)

Mordecai: I can't believe we nailed in the new song on the first try.

Rigby: I can believe it. We've been totally nailing life recently.

Eileen: So, how far away is this farm exactly.

Mordecai: Looks like it's gonna take us all night.

Rigby: I'm getting hungry-y-y!

CJ: There should be a diner coming up. We could stop there.

Mordecai: Alright.

(Scene cuts to a diner at night, and inside, Rigby peers into a dessert display case)

Rigby: Pie, pie, ca-a-a-ake! "$50 a slice"?!

Cake Cartel: Quit your gasping, it's a fair price.

(Rigby walks back to the guys at a table)

Eileen: No dessert?

Rigby: No thanks to the cake cartel.

Eileen: I can't decide between sherbet or sherbert.

(Four employees clap to the birthday song while they give a cupcake with a candle on it to a table next to their table where a mom and her son is)

Diner Employees: It's your birthday, birthday, happy happy...

Son: Augh! Make it stop!

Mother: But it's your birthday, sweetie.

Son: I don't want it to be my birthday if they're gonna sing that song! (starts crying as they continue to sing the song)

Mother: Can't somebody do something?

CJ: That poor kid.

Eileen: Augh! Are all birthday songs terrible?

Mordecai: Dude.

(Rigby nods, then they go to the table and makes the employees stop)

Mordecai: Holster them hand claps, bro.

(As they started singing their new happy birthday song, a sound from a vaccum cleaner and dishes breakibg is heard, and the boy is touched by their new song)

Employee: That song was so cool! Did you guys write that?

Mordecai: Yeah. We're entering it in this birthday song contest thing.

(The cake cartel is suspicious at this and we cut to her in a telephone booth where she dials a number. Cut to an anonymous person, sitting on his chair inside his mansion, who answers the number)

Anonymous: Yes? What?! A contest?! No, no, no, thank you for letting me know.

(They ended their calls as the cake cartel walls out of the phone booth and watches them continue to drive to the farm. Circle-wipe transitions to morning where a turkey is standing on a pole gobbling and flapping its feathers. We see the guys sleeping, then they wake up)

Mordecai: We made it!

Farmer Jimmy: Well, this is quite a turnout! Welcome all to the first, and last, Farmer Jimmy Birthday Song Conpetition!

(The audience cheers)

Farmer Jimmy: Are you folks ready for a new birthday song?

(The audience cheer again)

Farmer Jimmy: A song to replace the most overuse song of all time, one that takes a pitiful day of celebration and turns it into the worst day of your life?

(The audience mummur)

Farmer Jimmy: Good, then! Each of our contestants will perform a new birthday song, and our judges will rate them one through ten with a highest possible total of 30 lit candles. To clarify...

10 Minutes Later

Farmer Jimmy: ...30 candles, good. Zero candles, bad. And there are no trick candles. I've checked. In conclusion, the contestant with the best score will receive a year's supply of farm fresh cakes! May the best new birthday song win! (Blows a party favor)

Sunshine: It's nice to enjoy the presence of your friends. Nice to enjoy sweet treats.

Sheena: Baked a real fine cake, its gonna make you shake. Baked a real fine...

Darkness: As we melt away by candlelight

(One judge blows 3 candles)

Colette: And have a haaaaaaaaaappy...

Judy: So I can sing you a little song about the day you cane out of your mom

Young Gamer: Mom, get off the stage!

(The two judges blow the candles and another judge push the cake as 10 candles)

Axelrod: Presents are coming! B-b-b-b-b-better roll up your sleeves, sleeves, sleeves S-s-s-s..

(The judge blows 2 candles)

Colette: Haaaaaaaaaappy Biirthday, oooh-oooh-oooh-oooh

(She sheds a tear as she drops the microphone and Axelrod comes back on the stage and grabs it to give another shot and she runs away)

Axelrod: And just when you think you're sad, it's your birthday again, and again, and again, and again, and again

Mordecai and Rigby: Aw.

Axelrod: Agagagagagaga! Party hard! Lalalalalalalala!

(The judges blow the candles and the scoreboard shows them their scores)

Farmer Jimmy: Twenty eight! Now that was a good birthday! Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm! That's a tough number to beat and only one song left on our competition. Please welcome last year's Thanksgiving song winners, Mordecai and Rigby!

(They walk on the stage)

CJ: Whoooo!

(The audience cheers as Eileen puts a smiley face)

Mordecai: Well, this is just our little version of Happy Birthday.

(As they are about to sing, a cloud of smoke appears out of nowhere, making them cough)

Farmer Jimmy: Oh, no! No, no!

(A cake humanoid appears out of the smoke)

Happy Birthday: Oh, I'm sorry! Did somebody say my name?

Farmer Jimmy: Happy Birthday himself!

Happy Birthday: The guest of honor is here! (Laughs and he goes to a chocolate cake) Ooh! Quite the party!  (He picks the frosting with his finger and eats it) I've had better.

Farmer Jimmy: (offscreen) Hey, stop that!

Happy Bitthday: Stop what?

Farmer Jimmy: (runs up to him) Happy Birthday, you scoundrel! You're ruining the contest! Get off of my stage!

Happy Birthday: Or what? You're not gonna invite me to your birthday party?

(He laughs and shoots icing at Farmer Jimmy from his armpit)

Mordecai: Dude, we were just about to sing our song!

Rigby: Yeah, what you just did was not cool!

Happy Birthday: Oh, you wanna know what's not cool? Writing a new birthday song is what's not cool! America loves Happy Birthday! You love Happy Birthday, Mordecai and Rigby!

Mordecai: That's not true! Happy Birthday is a tired, old song, and the people want something new. Isn't that right, America?!

(The audience and Farmer Jimmy cheer)

Happy Birthday: Shut your cake-hole, America! You'll never win the birthday song contest when you're up against Happy Birthday! Happy birthday to you.

Farmer Jimmy: No, no!

Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear everyone!

(He shoots out confetti, which makes the audience to be entranced)

Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you.

Rigby: So, what does that--

Happy Birthday: Ah! (He makes the audience sing the song)

Audience: Happy birthday to you.

Happy Bithday: Yes! (Laughs)

Audience: Happy birthday to you.

Happy Birthday: Yeah, happy birthday to you!

Audience and Happy Birthday: Happy birthday dear...

(Everyone says their names)

Happy Birthday: That's right, say their names!

Audience and Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you!

(He laughs as the audience starts to leave)

Happy Birthday: You'll never overthrow my song! They'll be no birthdays without it! (Laughs)

Farmer Jimmy: Then all is lost. I guess you can't solve every problem with an overly complicated farm-themed song contest. Guess I'll have to throw away that year's supply of cake, but you already knew that.

Mordecai and Rigby: Wait! Woah, woah woah!

Mordecai: Give us the chance to sing our song.

(They run to the front of the stage)

Happy Birthday: Goodbye! Thanks for coming!

(They start to sing their new song)

(Song: Celebratin' Your Birthday)

Mordecai and Rigby: Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday! Happy birthday, CJ, Celebratin' your birthday!

Happy Birthday: What are you doing?!

Mordecai and Rigby: Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday! Happy birthday,

Randall: Randall

Mordecai and Rigby: Celebratin' your birthday!

Audience Member 1: That sounds simple and fresh.

Audience Member 2: Hey, that's pretty catchy.

(The audience comes back and join in)

Mordecai, Rigby, CJ , Eileen, Randall and Woman: Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday!

Happy Birthday: No, stop it!

Mordecai, Rigby, CJ , Eileen, Randall, Woman and Audience: Happy birthday, everyone, Celebratin' your birthday! Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday!

(Happy Birthday groans and goes to an organ and starts playing it)

(Mordecai, Rigby and Audience: Happy birthday, everyone, Celebratin' your birthday!)

Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you. Come on!

Farmer Jimmy: Arrrggh!!!

(Mordecai, Rigby and Audience: Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday!)

Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you...

(Farmer Jimmy runs to Happy Birthday and pushes him off the organ)

Farmer Jimmy: Get off of my stage!

(He plays the organ to the tune of the song)

Mordecai, Rigby and Audience: Happy birthday, everyone, Celebratin' your birthday! Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday! Happy birthday, everyone, Celebratin' your birthday! Today's gonna be a-ok, 'Cause we're celebratin' your birthday! Happy birthday, everyone, Celebratin' your birthday!

(The judges push their cakes, giving them their perfect score)

Farmer Jimmy: 30 candles! A perfect score! Mordecai and Rigby are the winners!

(The audience cheers)

Happy Birthday: Fine. Who needs you anyways? You see how you like the limelight, the collecting of all those royalties. And just wait until people start getting sick of your song, then you'll see how it feels! And then you'll all come crawling back, back to good ol' Happy Birthday! (Laughs as he leaves the stage and gets into his car) Later, losers! (He tries to turn in his engine until its finally on and he drives off) Later, losers!

Eileen: Wow! Great job guys!

CJ: Yeah, you wiped the floor with that creepy cake.

Mordecai: It was nothing.

Rigby: No biggie.

Farmer Jimmy: Well, congratulations, boys. You've certainly earned that year's suppy of cakes.

Mordecai and Rigby: Yeah-uh!

Farmer Jimmy: You'll have to go over some details with my lawyer, but you already knew that. (Clicks his tongue and leaves as his lawyer arrives)

Lawyer: Just sign here to claim your cake and acknowledge that your song will probably never replace the original Happy Birthday song.

(They sign the contract)

Lawyer: Bring in the lump sum!

Mordecai: Lump sum?

(A truck backs up and drops the cakes on Mordecai and Rigby. Eileen giggles.)

CJ: Well, you guys wanted cake.

Mordecai and Rigby: Free cake!

(Episode ends)

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