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This page is the transcript for "Fries Night".


(Episode begins in the Phone Home area, located in the Space Tree Station. Benson is calling Pam.)

Pam: Listen, Benson. We need to talk.

Benson: We are talking. Ooh, wanna hear how many pushups I did at training today?

Pam: No, we need to really talk.

Benson: Oh, okay.

Pam: This...this isn't working for me anymore.

Benson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Pam: Benson, you're a great guy, but I have no idea when you're coming back, or-or if you're coming back.

Benson: Sure, sure.

Pam: You know, statistically, the further away two mates are from each other, the less likely it is that their realationship will last. I've done the calculations, and our odds *sniffles* are only 1.35%.

Benson: Mm-hmm.

Pam: I'm...I'm-I'm sorry, Benson. It's not you, it's just...math. I think we should just be friends.

Benson: I get it. I was sent millions of miles into space against my will, you're back on Earth...

Pam: Are you sure you're okay?

Benson: I totally understand. I am good.

(Cut to Benson, he didn't take the breakup very good as he starts crying hysterically, surrounded by chicken wing mess.)

Benson (continued): Pa-a-am!! Why?!

(He slumps down splattering wing sauce and continues crying. Mordecai and Rigby come walking in.)

Rigby: Okay, okay, okay. My turn.

Mordecai: Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Rigby: Would your rather have spaghetti for fingers, or have spiders crawl out of your mouth every time you yawn?

Mordecai: Hm. That's a good one. If I eat my spaghetti fingers, do they grow back?

Rigby: Yes, but they're whole wheat pasta.

Mordecai: Aw sick, dude! Well, in that case, I gotta go with- uhh...

(The two notice Benson depressingly eating wings.)

Mordecai (continued): Uh-oh.

(Sympathetic, M&R walk up to Benson.)

Mordecai (continued): Um, hey, buddy. Everything okay, man?

(Benson finishes sucking on a chicken bone.)

Benson: No. Pam dumped me. I've been eating all these wings, but they're not making me feel any better.

Rigby: Hey, wait. Didn't you and Pam eat wings on your first date?

(Benson widens his pupils in realization.)

Benson: Oh nooooooooo! That's why they're not working! They're just making me think about Pam!

Mordecai: Whoa, whoa! Forget about wings.

Rigby: Yeah, these space wings are wack anyways. We know what'll make you feel better.

Benson: What?

Mordecai & Rigby: Umm...frriiiiiiieeeeee...Fries!

Benson: Fries?

Mordecai: Crispy, delicious fries! I'm talkin' curly!

Rigby: Crisp cut!

Mordecai: Wedge cut!

Rigby: Crinkle cut!

Mordecai: Shoe-string!

Rigby: Artisanal salt, yo!

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