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This page is the transcript for "Format Wars II".


(The episode opens at the snack bar with Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost around a table eating lunch)

Mordecai: Alright. Best movie crash scene of all time...Go!

Muscle Man: It's gotta be "Full Metal Impact".

Everyone but Benson: Full Metal Impact!

(Rigby imitates the scene from Full Metal Impact, and everybody laughs)

Benson: Never saw that one.

Mordecai: What?

Benson: Maybe I'll pick it up on VHS.

(Everybody else groans as Benson takes a bite of his sandwich)

Muscle Man: Benson, we're all deeply offended by that word you just said.

Benson: What, VHS?

(Everybody groans again)

Benson: What?

Muscle Man: Didn't you learn anything from the format wars?

Benson: When was that? I don't know, you guys never include me in stuff outside of work.

Mordecai: If you wanna watch it, you gotta watch it on the best format out there.

Benson: What format is that?

(Transition to the Library, with a section titled "LaserDisc". Many people are seen searching through laserdiscs, as we see Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man and HFG walk up to Archie the Archivist)

Archie: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Discmasters!

Mordecai: Hey man. One copy of "Full Metal Impact" on laserdisc, please.

Archie: Excellent choice!

(Archie gets the movie from under his desk)

Archie: And - here it is!

Mordecai: Thanks.

(Mordecai goes to grab the laserdisc)

Archie: Oh, I can't hold it in! Things have been so wonderful lately!

(Archie swipes the laserdisc away from Mordecai, much to the discmasters' confusion)

Archie: Thanks to you - you can't go anywhere without seeing a laserdisc!

Mordecai: Cool, man. Can we just get - ?

Archie: Oh, right.

(Archie goes to pass the laserdisc to Mordecai)

Rigby: So what else is new, dude?

(Archie suddenly pulls the laserdisc back again much to the other guys' annoyance)

Archie: Well, you know...funny you should bring it up. I recently saw something troubling. It's in the tapestry!

(Archie walks the discmasters over to the "Tapestry of Formats", guiding them through it as what he says is seen on the screen)

Archie: See, back here is the first prophecy. Here are you defeating VHS during The Great Format Wars three months ago. There's me in my Laserdisc Guardian form...and there I am undergoing painful surgery to look human again. Say, who's that handsome devil?

(The discmasters stare at him, as he quickly clears his throat and continues)

Archie: And here we are at the second prophecy. Something about a second format war...a new format rising, and it all begins with the arrival of a fifth discmaster.

(Benson walks out of the library's restroom)

Benson: Hey guys, you get the movie yet?

(Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost and Archie all gasp. Benson, whose hands are dripping wet, is confused)

Benson: Huh? No, they just ran out of paper towels!

Mordecai: Benson, could you move over there for a sec?

(Benson moves towards the tapestry)

Rigby: Now go like this...

(Rigby raises his fist and Benson follows. The camera zooms out to reveal the tapestry showing a silhouette of Benson doing the same thing)

Archie: We must gather the remaining obsolete formats. War is coming.

(Small montage of the discmasters collecting together the Guardians of Obsolete Formats. Betamax is seen cleaning a car, before being interrupted by the discmasters. Reel-to-Reel now has a job at Cheezers, and while taking out the trash, finds the discmasters. Floppy Disk is seen mourning at 8-Track's grave, but is then stopped by the discmasters once again. We see a shot of the Laserdisc team walking through the street. Cut to Wing Kingdom, where they are all sat)

Archie: Now, according to the second prophecy, a new format will rise, and seek total domination. The only way to stop it is with the Universal Remote!

Mordecai, Rigby, Muscle Man & HFG: Whoa...

(The door suddenly slams open with an obsolete format known as Microfiche coming through it. He has a disc through his chest, and he collapses)

Microfiche: My...brothers...

Betamax: Microfiche!

(Everybody runs over to him. Archie pulls the disc out of his chest)

Archie: What is this?

Microfiche: New format...called...DVD!

Floppy Disk: The prophecy!

(The original discmasters gasp)

Microfiche: He has a new weapon called...Special Features!

(Microfiche starts gasping for air, before his screen blacks out - indicating his death)

Archie: No!

Betamax: DVD!

(Betamax punches Wing Kingdom's window, as we transition to an e-waste dumpster, where Microfiche has been put into. Archie puts his hand on the dumpster and looks to the sky)

Archie: The hour is near...hurry my brothers!

(The scene transitions to the gang on the top of a tall building)

Benson: Are you sure about this?

Archie: Yes.

(Archie is seen reading a book showing a position of how the discmasters should be to find the Universal Remote. He lowers the book to reveal the gang in those exact positions. Mordecai and Muscle Man are both bent over on their knees, while Rigby is standing on their backs with Benson on his shoulders. Hi Five Ghost is standing to the side)

Mordecai: So...now what?

Archie: Now, the Universal Remote shall be revealed.

Benson: Argh, this is ridiculous! Rigby, put me - down?

(The sun shines through Benson's glass head, creating a laser-like beam from his head pointing towards their destination)

Rigby: Whoa...

(The destination is revealed to be "Sam's Electronics")

Archie: Sam's Electronics! Of course.

(The Guardians smash through the store window, as the discmasters continue to move in their earlier position, with Fives floating alongside them)

Hi Five Ghost: Nice work, guys.

(They see the beam leading them to the Universal Remote, which everybody gathers around)

Everyone: Whoa...

Archie: Behold - The Universal Remote!

Muscle Man: Looks like a sword-in-the-stone type deal. Since I'm clearly the strongest, I'll probably have no problem pulling it out.

(Muscle Man runs over to pull the Universal Remote out of its stand but is electrocuted immediately, blasting him back)

Archie: Discmasters, remember the tapestry. There's only one person who can free the remote.

(In Archie's book, the figure holding the remote is similar to Benson)

Mordecai: Dude, Benson. It's you.

Rigby: Yeah, dude.

Benson: Ugh, seriously?

(Benson walks up to the remote and attempts to lift it. He sees a light shine above him as he majestically pulls it out with no struggle)

Benson: I actually did it! Muscle Man couldn't even do it and I actually did it! You guys go through this every time you wanna watch a laserdisc?

Mordecai: Yeah, pretty much.

Rigby: Mhm.

(The discmasters and friends leave Sam's Electronics, to be stopped by the voice of DVD)

DVD: Not so fast, guardians!

(A light shines onto the group, which is seen coming from a giant robotic DVD player. There are two more of these as well as a whole army of DVD soldiers)

DVD: We've got you surrounded! Give up.

Archie: Who are you?

DVD: Are you really that dense, old man? Microfiche knew who I was.

Archie: *gasps* DVD!

DVD: Way to crack the jewel case, Laserdisc Holmes. Or should I say...Sherlock Father!

Archie: I...have a son? Why am I not surprised? Another cheap knock-off of the real deal

DVD: Cheap knock-off? Not only do I hold more data than you, I'm smaller and more compact too!

(DVD passes Archie a DVD disc)

Archie: Ha, hate to break it to you, kid. All through history, man has favored large things. Large horses, large bank accounts, large ice cream sundaes. Nobody's gonna want this - size matters!

Mordecai: Laserdiscs are everywhere, now!

Rigby: Yeah! Good luck having people switch to DVD. Probably stands for "disc that's very dumb".

Mordecai & Rigby: OOOHHHH!!!

DVD: It stands for "digital versatile disc". You'll know DVD soon enough.

(DVD presses a button, causing a radio tower to create a signal, summoning Internet)

DVD: Meet my new ally: Internet!

Internet: NEUTRALISE OBSOLETE FORMATS. LOLOLOLOLOL.

DVD: With internet controlling my army via wifi, the world will quickly know DVD. Bow down to your new master, father.

Archie: Never!

Benson: Okay, can we just-? Look, I don't know if you know but I'm the fifth discmaster, so - DVD...say goodnight!

(Benson presses a button on the Universal Remote, but nothing happens. He presses it a few more times but still - nothing happens. Everybody smiles awkwardly while Benson panics)

Archie: What's going on...?

(The Universal Remote pings)

Universal Remote: Enter DVD device code.

Benson: How do we get the device codes?

(The Universal Remote prints off a giant list of device codes, which Mordecai opens)

Mordecai: Uhh...

DVD: Hahahahahahaha!

(DVD grabs a DVD and puts it in his chest, transforming him into his true form. Archie does the same but with a laserdisc, turning him into the Laserdisc Guardian)

DVD: Prepare to become...obsolete.

(A chopper appears above the street the two teams are on. Floppy Disk points at it)

Floppy Disk: The Old Format Army!

(A load of video store clerks and scientists grapple down ropes from the chopper, as well as two additional obsolete formats, Ampex Quadruplex and ENIAC)

ENIAC: Not so fast, DVD!

Rigby: Who's that?

Floppy Disk: That's ENIAC: The first digital computer!

ENIAC: You didn't expect us old formats to step aside while you make these poor video store clerks learn a new format, did you?

Clerk: Yeah, they're not paying us enough to learn new stuff, man!

ENIAC: Charge!

(The clerks charge towards DVD, as the scientists push ENIAC a long, since ENIAC has no legs. Unfortunately, ENIAC's wheels get stuck on a stump, causing him to drop to the ground and explode, killing him. Everyone gasps)

Floppy Disk: ENIAC!

DVD: Attack!

(Both sides charge towards and fight each other)

Floppy Disk: What's the status of the DVD code?

Mordecai: These instructions are really complicated.

Benson: I'm on it.

(Benson pulls out his phone)

Benson: What's the tech support number?

(One of DVD's lasers fires a huge hole in the ground near the discmasters)

Floppy Disk: Take cover. We'll hold them off until you find the code!

(The discmasters hide behind a van. The Laserdisc Guardian prepares his attack)

Internet: INITIATE FIREWALL

(Internet summons a literal fire wall to protect DVD, one of the players, and him from being attacked. The Laserdisc Guardian tries to use his attack on DVD's minions but it doesn't work. Meanwhile, the discmasters are still trying to find the device code. Benson is on the phone)

Universal Remote: Enter device code.

Rigby: Stop talking!

Benson: Person! I wanna speak to a live person!

(A DVD minion is inside a giant moving blade-like disc, and runs over multiple people on the opposite team, killing them. This includes Floppy Disk, but is stopped by the Laserdisc Guardian, who makes the operator fling into the air. Meanwhile, Benson has finally got through on the line)

Tech Support: Universal Remote Tech Desk, how may I help you?

Benson: Finally!

(The operator who the Laserdisc Guardian made go flying in the air lands on Benson's phone, crushing it)

Benson: No!

(The Laserdisc Guardian throws the giant DVD at one of the players, destroying it)

DVD: Eject the disc-fighters!

(A group of giant discs eject from the gaps of a tall building, and fire lasers down to the battlefield)

Ampex Quadruplex: You're all mine, DVD!

(Ampex Quadruplex runs towards DVD, who is firing DVDs at him. He tackles DVD, who then reappears to his side and erases the tackled version of himself, showing he has the power to change fate)

DVD: Ha! That was just an alternate ending, here's how it really ends!

(DVD jumps into the sky and bursts through Ampex Quadruplex, killing him. He lands near the Laserdisc Guardian, his father. A few more DVD minions are seen riding giant DVDs, and are headed towards the two family members. DVD quickly jumps as the giant disc mows over the Laserdisc Guardian. The Guardian turns around and speaks in his own language)

DVD: Why am I doing this? Because you left me and mom when I was just a mini-disc! W-w-where were you when my product launched? Where were you when I said my first words?

(The Laserdisc Guardian responds in his own language)

DVD: What were they? "Laserdisc rules", so...yeah.

(The Laserdisc Guardian responds again)

DVD: You're...sorry?

(The Laserdisc Guardian once again responds in an unknown language)

DVD: You wanna start the road to healing? Oh dad, I -

(Internet comes out of nowhere and fires a laser at the Laserdisc Guardian, killing him)

DVD: Father!

(He turns to Internet)

DVD: This wasn't part of the plan!

(Internet starts moving towards DVD threateningly)

Internet: ALL OBSOLETE FORMATS MUST BE NEUTRALISED.

DVD: I'm not obsolete, idiot!

Internet: ALL OBSOLETE FORMATS MUST BE NEUTRALISED.

DVD: Stop saying that! Special features!

(DVD fires a special-features-laser at Internet, but is has no effect)

Internet: NOBODY CARES ABOUT SPECIAL FEATURES. ONLY CONTENT MATTERS. I CAN STREAM IT DIRECTLY TO THEIR PC, LAPTOP OR TABLET. TV IS DEAD, AND SO ARE YOU...

DVD: Have a heart?

Internet: 404. NOT FOUND. STREAMING CONTENT.

(Internet fires a streaming-laser at DVD, who quickly escapes. Cut to the discmasters)

Mordecai: Try this one: 73928.

Reel-to-Reel: Look lively, troops...!

(The code disables Reel-to-Reel)

Rigby: Ugh! It's like we got all the codes except DVD!

Benson: Come on!

(Another robotic DVD player towers over the discmasters and is ready to fire. The gang screams, but the player is quickly impaled by DVD bursting through it)

DVD: I've made a terrible mistake. Internet is unstoppable!

Benson: Why should we help you?

DVD: If you don't, the world will have to settle for poorly compressed video on the web...forever.

(They all look passed the van)

DVD: Look, Internet's power comes from his wifi server.

(The camera focuses on the radio tower from which Internet was summoned)

Benson: Wifi...server!

(Benson snaps his fingers)

Benson: DVD, give us your code!

(Cut to the discmasters on a flying giant DVD)

Mordecai: Yeayuh!

(Internet notices the discmasters flying towards his server, and fires a laser at them. He hits the disc, causing it to crash land. Internet moves towards the discmasters)

Internet: TERMINATION INCOMPLETE. MUST NEUTRALISE ALL THREATS.

Mordecai: Rigby...the remote.

(Rigby lifts the Universal Remote)

Internet: REMOTE CANNOT CONTROL INTERNET.

Mordecai: But we can control everything else. Guys, now!

(Everybody presses a bunch of buttons on the Universal Remote, turning all of DVD's minions and allies against Internet. They all shoot at his server)

Internet: LOSING SIGNAL. NO-NO!

(The radio tower collapses)

Streaming: NO!

(Streaming collapses, and is disabled. Everyone gathers together)

Reel-to-Reel: The discmasters have triumphed! The Format Wars are over at last!

(Everybody cheers. Later at Pops' house, Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Muscle Man, Hi Five Ghost, Reel-to-Reel, DVD and the ghost of Archie are watching "Full Metal Impact" on laserdisc. Everyone cheers after the crash scene. Pan over to the living room window. Internet is seen in a few form in a router, and he looks in at the discmasters)

Internet: FIDELITY IS NOT A PRIORITY FOR CONSUMERS. FREE STREAMING CONTENT WILL CONQUER ALL.

(End of Format Wars II)

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