Regular Show Wiki
Regular Show Wiki
This page is the transcript for "Daddy Issues".

(We begin with Cheezers, where there's a long line. Rigby can be heard groaning while in line with Mordecai, CJ and Eileen.)

Rigby: We've only three inches of this line and I'm starving!

Eileen: You just had breakfast, Rigby.

Rigby: Yeah, a whole half hour ago. Urrgh!

(We fade to inside Cheezers, where a cheese sandwich is being grilled. A waiter, carrying the food, goes to the table where the guys are sitting.)

Rigby (continued): Alright! Now we're talking!

(The waiter places the food on their table.)

Cheezers Waiter: Here you go. Four Cheddargeddons with a side of tomato bisque.

CJ: Aw yea-yuh! Cheddargeddon my stomach!

Mordecai: Haha, nice.

Rigby: Hey man, what's with the balls?

(He is refering to the yellow balls placed with their meals.)

Cheezers Waiter: Those are complimentary golf balls for our new Sink Hole ide Queso! challenge.

(It pans over to the small challenge nearby.)

Cheezers Waiter (continued): If you get a hole-in-one, your party eats for free.

Rigby: Oh, yes!

(He picks up his sandwich and throws it against the restroom door.)

Mordecai: Dude, what are you doing?

Rigby: Free stuff always tastes better.

(He goes over to the challenge.)

Rigby: Now let's do this!

(Rigby starts goofily laughing while holding a golf club. He hits the ball and it bounces off goal, landing in a man's tomato soup. Rigby screams)

Rigby: Mordecai, you gotta make this shot! I don't wanna have to eat my lunch off the bathroom door!

Mordecai: Move...

(Mordecai takes a shot, but it misses, and rolls straight back to Mordecai's feet)

Rigby: No!!! Why?

Mordecai: Sorry, dude.

(Mordecai walks off as Eileen runs over)

Eileen: Oh, oh - my turn!

(Eileen takes a shot, but it doesn't even make it as far as Rigby's)

Eileen: Aw...sorry, Rigby.

Mordecai: Your turn, CJ.

CJ: Uh, that's okay. I think I'll pass.

Mordecai: Aw, come on! Just try it! You can't be any worse than us.

CJ: I just really don't like mini golf.

Rigby: Please CJ, I'm so hungry!

(CJ sighs)

CJ: Here.

(CJ takes the golf club and hits the ball, getting a hole-in-one. Fireworks shoot out of the course as the Cheezer's Mascot bursts through the wall)

Mascot: Boss! Boss! Someone won!

Chaz: Cheezers of partying approval alone, we have a winner! Chaz Melter, CEO and Founder of Cheezers. You are the first and only customer to beat the Sink Hole ide Queso! Congratulations!

(Chaz passes CJ a giant check for a free lunch)

CJ: Huh?

Chaz: Say...with skills like that, you gotta play in the Putterpalooza this weekend! Uh, sponsored by Cheezers, of course. Grand prize is a "Cut the Cheezers" card. Win one of these babies and you get to cut in the front of the line for life!

Rigby: Aw, yeayuh! No more lines!

CJ: Look - I don't wanna do this! I don't like mini golf!

Rigby: And I don't like waiting in line! We're talking about cutting in front of people and getting away with it! You're the only one who can win this for us!

Eileen: Yeah CJ, you're really good!

Mordecai: It'll be really fun, just try it and see! Think of all the time we'll save skipping all the lines.

(CJ sighs)

CJ: Okay. I'll play.

Rigby: Oh, yeayuh - Cut the Cheezers!

CJ: But I'm gonna need a little practice if I'm gonna enter the tournament.

Chaz: You don't need practice! You're gouda 'nuff to win! Heh.

(The gang stares at him)

Chaz: I get paid extra to say that.

(Cut to the Putt Hut mini-golf course)

CJ: Okay...don't get your hopes up. I'm a little rusty.

(CJ attempts a shot and gets another hole-in-one)

Rigby: That's what you call rusty?

(We see CJ get another two hole-in-ones)

Eileen: Intuitive pivoting? Angle control? You got serious skills, CJ!

Mordecai: How did I not know you were amazing at this?

CJ: Eh - I'm fully of surprises.

(She hits another ball, but it bounces off a novelty mermaid's tail and into a lake. CJ gets angry, turning slowly into a storm cloud)

CJ: How did I miss that shot!?

(CJ throws her golf club into someone's windshield)

CJ: It was so easy!

Mordecai: Whoa, whoa! CJ! No need to get upset.

Rigby: It's just mini golf.

Eileen: Is something the matter?

CJ: I can't help taking mini golf seriously. It kinda runs in the family. (sighs) My dad is Carl Putter.

Mordecai: Whoa, Carl Putter? The world champion mini-golf pro?

Eileen: That explains so much.

Rigby: Wait, so your last name is Putter?

CJ: No, that's just his mini-golf name. Look, it's not something I really like to talk about. Growing up with a mini golf legend as your dad, well - it can be pretty tough.

(Flashback to CJ's childhood. She is mini-golfing with her dad)

Carl Putter: Come on, focus! Focus!

(CJ hits a ball with her club. It almost goes in, but misses just about)

Carl: Hmm, not bad. Not bad...if you like losing! Takes a little finesse if you wanna beat your old man!

(Carl prepares himself, then gets a hole-in-one)

Carl: Haha!

CJ (voiceover): He never let me win.

(Carl is seen knocking away CJ's ball with another ball)

Carl: Ooh, too slow! In your face!

(Carl does a victory dance)

CJ (voiceover): He was a real sore winner, until I finally had enough.

(In the flashback, CJ is now at the Junior Championship Mini Golf Tournament)

Carl: Don't mess it up, don't mess it up!

(CJ hits the ball with enough speed to make it stop in front of some wooden gopher obstacles)

Carl: What are you doing!? I didn't teach you to play it safe!

CJ: But dad, I'll be able to make the next shot easy, then I can get second place.

Carl: Second place is just the first loser! You gotta go all or nothing!

(CJ gets angry and bends her putter in half)

Carl: Aw, don't take it out on the putter! It's not the putter's fault you played bad!

CJ (voiceover): And that was the last time I ever played. Until yesterday.

(Flashback to when CJ won the Sink Hole ide Queso, and her friends mutter in amazement. The flashbacks ends)

Mordecai: Jeez, CJ. I had no idea. You don't have to play in this tournament if you don't want to.

Rigby: Yes you do! You're our only hope at that "Cut the Cheezers" card! Think of the children! Me! I'm the children!

CJ: I think I still wanna play. Without my dad around, I can actually enjoy it for once.

Mordecai: Haha, awesome!

(They are interrupted by the owner of the car who's windshield was smashed by CJ)

Car Owner: Hey, my car! Who did this!? Huh? What's the matter? You don't want your club back?

(The gang back away)

Eileen: I think we've had enough practice for today.

(Cut to the next day at the Putterpalooza. CJ enters the Putt Hut and sees Rigby and Eileen holding "Go CJ!" signs)

Eileen: Go CJ!

(CJ smiles at them, but then notices a huge crowd gathering around someone)

CJ: Oh no.

(The crowd clears to reveal that Carl Putter himself is at the event, and is signing autographs.

CJ: Ugh! I knew it!

Carl: There you go! Keep on puttin' the good putt!

(He gives his autograph to a fan, as CJ storms towards him)

CJ: Dad!

Carl: Hey, Ceej!

CJ: Dad, what are you doing here?

Carl: Well, I was hitting the mini green with my old pal, Chaz Melter, the other day. And he mentioned that SOMEONE was playing in the Putterpalooza. Didn't think you'd be dusting off the old mini clubs, kiddo.

CJ: Grr - dad! I don't want you here!

Carl: Hey, I wanna see if you still have the chops to come in second place to your old man! Haha!

Mordecai: Uhh, hello Mr. Putter. My name's Mordecai, I'm dating your daughter. It's probably not my place to say anything, but what you're doing is not cool.

CJ: Forget it, Mordecai. Let's just go.

Carl: Ooh, we got a sensitive guy over here! You must not be very competitive, eh pal? I bet the only trophies you ever won were for crying, since you're so sensitive! Haha!

Crowd: Ooh!

CJ: That's it!

(CJ writes her name on the roster)

CJ: Time to put you in your place, dad!

Carl: Ooh, feeling gutsy, huh? Well, seems as I'm here, I might as well play too. Can't let you have all the fun. Haha!

(Carl writes his name on the roster)

Carl: Another first place victory for Carl Putter!

CJ: We'll see about that.

Carl: See you in the line at Cheezers, with all the other amatuers, kiddo.

CJ: Grr!

(Montage begins of CJ vs her father in mini-golf. CJ gets a hole-in-one, and is cheered on by her friends. Putter also gets a hole-in-one. We see them both score multiple times. CJ scores again)

CJ: Yes!

Everyone: CJ! CJ! CJ! CJ!

Chaz: Alright, folks! We have a tie! From here on out, this will be a sudden death putt-off! Both of you putting at the exact same time. First one to miss a shot loses!

Carl: Yeah! Never lost one of these in my life!

CJ: It's true. He never has.

Mordecai: Until now! You can do this.

Chaz: Let the sudden death round begin!

(Chaz pulls a lever, causing the whole Putt Hut to open up, magically turning it into a large course, with live crocodiles and gophers. The hole is next to a volcano)

CJ: I hate mini golf.

(CJ and her father get into position)

Carl: You first, kiddo.

CJ: No. After you.

Carl: If you insist.

(Carl hits the ball across a river and gets a hole-in-one)

Carl: Top that! Haha!

(CJ gets her ball in the hole too. There is another short montage of them both getting a hole-in-one each time. Including from the top of a hill, up-hill, across gapped steps, through a diamond field, a crocodile lake, and lastly in a cave, leading to the volcano)

Carl: End of the line, squirt!

(Carl sets up his ball, and is ready to swing)

Carl: Haha!

(A gopher suddenly bursts through a wall in the cave. CJ and her father both scream, as more gophers burst through more walls. Carl quickly takes his shot, but it misses)

Chaz: Carl Putter missed the final hole! If CJ makes this next shot, she'll win!

(Carl Putter runs off)

Carl: Come on, let's get out of here!

CJ: No. I'm gonna make this shot!

Carl: That's crazy! If I can't make it, you can't do it either!

CJ: That's just what you want me to think so you can win!

(A gopher jumps to attack her, but she hits it with her putter)

CJ: I've gotta go all or nothing! Just like you told me, remember?

(Carl Putter runs off)

Carl: Fine! All or nothing!

(Two gophers attack CJ. She screams)

Mordecai: CJ!

(Mordecai runs to CJ n the cave)

Mordecai: CJ, are you okay?

(He kicks two gophers out of the way)

CJ: Clear the path! I need to make this last shot!

(Mordecai grabs a gopher by the leg and spins it around, knocking them all out)

Mordecai: All clear!

(A giant humanoid gopher storms towards them and roars. Mordecai and CJ scream)

CJ: No! I have to beat my dad!

(Carl Putter is attempting his shot from where the ball left off, when he overhears this. He turns around and sees his daughter in danger)

Carl: Paws off my daughter while she's trying to putt!

(Carl pulls out a giant golf club which has "Eat My Driver" on it. He swings it to hit the ball, aiming towards the humanoid gopher's crotch - he hits his target, causing the gopher to collapse. Its head explodes)

Carl: Now sink that putt, CJ!

(CJ hits her ball and it zooms all the way in the air up into the final hole, making her the winner. The volcano erupts, as Mordecai and CJ run over to hug each other. Carl Putter, Chaz Melter, Rigby and Eileen follow after them)

Chaz: Congratulations, CJ! You've won the Putterpalooza!

Carl: Nice puttin', Ceej! You finally beat your old man. Sorry for being so hard on you, I was trying to prepare you for the world the only way I knew how. By crushing you at mini golf.

CJ: It's okay, dad.

(CJ hugs Carl)

CJ: 'cause I whooped your putt!

(CJ does a victory dance while laughing. Carl sheds a tear)

Carl: I've been waiting a long time for that trash talk.

(CJ moves over to Mordecai)

CJ: Thanks for helping me out, Mordecai. No-one's ever had my back like you do.

Mordecai: Aw. Anytime, Ceej.

Chaz: CJ, here's your official "Cut the Cheezers" card.

(Chaz Melter passes CJ a "Cut the Cheezers" card)

CJ: You know, after making up with my dad, this seems kinda beside the point. Meh.

(CJ chucks the "Chuck the Cheezers" card away. Rigby gasps as the card lands in the volcano's lava. Everyone but Rigby and Eileen walks off)

Rigby: No!!!

(Rigby starts sobbing by the lava. Eileen walks up to comfort him)

Eileen: Don't worry, Rigby. I'll wait in line at Cheezers with you. I'll wait.

(End of Daddy Issues)