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This is the transcript for the episode Cruisin'.


(The episode begins with Mordecai and Rigby watching a movie at the coffee shop)

TV Announcer: Now, back to Crime Scene Detective Cops 2.

(guys on the TV drive up to some ladies)

Cop 1: (sounds like Mordecai) Hey, ladies. Did you happen to catch our license plate? It's missing some numbers.

Cop 2: (sounds like Rigby) Your numbers. How 'bout it, ladies?

(the girls chuckle)

Blonde Girl: (takes out sheet) Here!

Cop 1: And that's how you get a chick's number.

Cop 2: Aw, yeah! Cruisin'!

(everyone in the movie laughs, then, freezeframes to show the caption "end." Margaret and Eileen aren't impressed)

Margaret and Eileen: What?

Rigby: Whoa. That was awesome!

Margaret: I can't believe you think that's cool.

Eileen: Yeah. That movie was chauvinistic, and also, inaccurate.

Mordecai: I don't know. I heard that movie was based on a true story.

Rigby: If this movie has taught us anything, and it definitely has, you only need one thing to get a girl's number. (sign-languages driving) A sweet ride.

Eileen: I mean, Not necessarily. You could just, you know, ask a girl for it, Rigby.

Rigby: (startles Eileen) Eileen, don't be so naive, that would never work.

Mordecai: Rigby's right. It's a known fact that wheels make you more attractive.

Rigby: A known fact! I don't know how many times I've almost gotten a girl's number, then some guy in a muscle car would swing in and totally ruin my game.

(Margaret and Eileen laugh)

Margaret: Oh, guys. You're kidding, right?

Mordecai: Are you saying you wouldn't give us your number if we pulled up in some cool wheels?

Margaret: You dorks would never be able to get a girl's number cruising.

Mordecai: Oh yeah?

Margaret: (Puts hands on the table and stares into Mordecai's eyes): Yeah.

Rigby: (hops up to table): Let's bet on it!

Margaret: Okay. How about dinner? If you guys get a girl's number from cruising by the end of the day-

Eileen: -which you won't-

Margaret: -we'll pay for it. But if you don't,-

Eileen: -hope you can afford Lobster and Filet Mignon, guys.

Mordecai: Hmm, hmm. We accept your challenge.

Rigby: I hope you guys can afford Unlimited Corn-Dog bar.

Margaret: Well gentlemen, good luck.

(Margaret and Eileen chuckle and walk away)

Mordecai: Whoa, did you just see that? They were totally flirting with us.

Rigby: Flirt? Is that wha-? Wait a mi... nah.

Mordecai: Dude, they know were gonna win. They're just playing hard to get.

Rigby: But aren't we cruising for two different girls numbers?

Mordecai: Well, yeah, but that's just for show.

Rigby: I thought women were supposed to be directive about what they want.

Mordecai: Ha ha. You'll learn someday dude.

Rigby: Whatever man, I'm just in it for the free meal.

(Cuts to the next scene where a lot of men cruising for women to get their numbers; then Mordecai and Rigby come to the scene with the golf cart)

Mordecai: Hmm, hmm. Get some digits, get some dinner. (Mordecai and Rigby chuckle)

(Margaret and Eileen come to scene)

Margaret: Oh, look who it is.

Mordecai: Ladies.

Eileen: Since we get to choose where to go to dinner if we win, how does Il Costosos sound?

Rigby: Uh, isn't that the pricey place with napkins?

Eileen: The really fancy ones, yes.

Mordecai: Sure. Il Costosos.

Rigby: Yeah, sounds good.

Margaret: Perfect. Oh, and can we bring our dates too?

Mordecai: Dates?

Margaret: Yeah, loser buy dinner for the winners, and their dates. That cool?

Mordecai: Yeah. Totally. Totally cool.

Margaret: Awesome. Well, see you guys.

Rigby: Dude, we can't afford that!

Mordecai: Dude, we got to win this bet. I don't want to be the third wheel to Margaret and her date.

Rigby: Well then let's get these wheels going, and gets chick's numbers a flowing! (Turns on the music)

(Mordecai and Rigby find three chicks and impress them with their "Sweet" ride, but they laugh and walk away. They find another chick who has a piece of paper and a pencil, and writes her number to them, but it was actually for an another guy on his ride. They find another chick and Mordecai and Rigby try to impress her, but she runs away, jumps on a car, and hangs on to a helicopter and flies away.)

Mordecai: Aw, what? Dude this isn't working.

Rigby: Yeah, the movie made it look so easy.

(They see two girls getting a ride with two other dudes)

Scabitha: Whoooo hooo!

Trash: Nice cart, losers.

Scabitha: Yeah. Good luck getting numbers driving around in that.

Mordecai: We gotta get a better ride.

(Skips to the park, where Pops is washing his car.)

Mordecai and Rigby: Hey, Pops.

Pops: Why, hello gentlemen. What brings you here?

Mordecai: Can we borrow your car, Pops?

Pops: Why whatever for?

Rigby: We need it to win a bet.

Pops: (Laughs) Oh, a wager! I simply adore a good wager. And so does Carmenita.

Rigby: Wha-?

Pops: That's her name.

Mordecai: Awesome.

Rigby: Thanks, Pops. (Mordecai and Rigby now jump into the car.)

Mordecai: Aw, cool.

Rigby: So cool.

Pops: Now, Mordecai, you do know how to drive stick right?

Mordecai: Of course. Uh...

Rigby: What are these gears?

Pops: Those are Carmenita's special gears. I advise you not to touch them. Carmenita's special parts should only be manipulated by a professional.

Mordecai: Don't worry, Pops. We'll just win the bet, and we'll be right back. See ya. (Drive off)

Pops: Bye!

(Skips to next to scene back to the Two Peaks mall parking lot.)

Rigby: Yo, Margaret and Eileen, feast your eyes on our sweet ride. Prepare to taste defeat, ladies.

Margaret: You know what I'm prepare to taste? (The girls get a menu of Il Costosos)

Eileen: Baltic sea scallops with red wine reduction, $35.

Margaret: Oh... Or Coby braised short ribs on a gold leaf. $41.

Mordecai: You fill up on bread!

Margaret: Oh, you mean the rustic artisan cheese bread imported from France? That's $15.

(Mordecai and Rigby get frustrated; then two guys show up.)

Chad Ironchest: Hey! These guys bothering you Margaret?

Tuck Packerd: How 'bout you Eileen?

Margaret: Oh, no, no, no, no. Mordecai, Chad "Ironchest."

Eileen: Rigby, Tuck Packerd.

Chad: Mordecai & Rigby? These are the guys? I just want to thank you, bros. I mean paying for a four star meal for the four of us? Guys, seriously.

Mordecai: Agh! (drive off) Must...get...girls...numbers! (Spot girls) Uh... hi. We lost our numbers.

Rigby: Can—can we have yours?

Girl #1: You got to be kidding me.

Mordecai and Rigby: Agh! (Spot another girl)

Mordecai: Uh, so ladies, do you--? I mean, are you angels cause-- (The girls leave)

Mordecai and Rigby: Agh! (Spot another girl)

Rigby: We really need to win a bet, and-- (The girl laughs and walks away)

Mordecai & Rigby: Agh!

(Goes to the next scene)

Mordecai: This is bad dude. Just think. What else besides a cool car do those dudes in the movie have? I got it! Self-confidence! I mean, look at your face.

Rigby: (Depressed look) What's wrong with my face?

Mordecai: Your face is desperate, dude. Follow my lead. (Puts on a confident look)

Rigby: Whoa. (Puts on a confident look as well) (Long pause) Dude, this isn't gonna work. No human ever makes this face.

(The two girls a few scenes ago come in and gets in Mordecai and Rigby's car.)

Trash: Hey, what's up?

Mordecai and Rigby: Uh, hey.

Trash: We were just walking by, and couldn't help but notice how confident you guys looked.

Scabitha: Yeah, could you give us a ride?

Mordecai: Uh, sure.

(We see another car with the two dudes that were with the girls a few scenes ago and they look frustrated)

Rigby: I'm Rigby, and this is Mordecai. What are your names?

Trash: My name's Trash.

Scabitha: Scabitha.

Rigby: Oh, ha, ha. Those are pretty names. (Whispers to Mordecai) These girls are making me feel uncomfortable.

Mordecai: (Whispers to Rigby) We just need their numbers, man. Seal the deal.

Rigby: Uh... so, how do you guys feel about phones?

Trash: Are they following us yet? (Looking in the rearview mirror in the car that follows)

Scabitha: Right on time.

Trash: Slow down the car.

Mordecai: Huh, why?

Trash: Just do it! (Mordecai and Rigby slow down Carmenita, and while Carmenita slows down, Trash & Scabitha look at the car that's following them and start cheering.)

Bloodshed: Trash, Scabitha, what are you think you're doing?

Trash and Scabitha: Get lost, dweebs!

Scabitha: Yeah! We're having fun with our new boyfriends now.

Mordecai and Rigby: What?

Manslaughter: Hey, Bloodshed. I think these guys are looking for trouble.

Bloodshed: I think so too, Manslaughter.

Rigby: Bloodshed? Manslaughter?!

Mordecai: No, no, no! We're not looking for trouble! We don't even want your girlfriends!

Rigby: Yeah, we just want their numbers!

Bloodshed & Manslaughter AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bloodshed: YOU GUYS ARE DEAD! (Accelerates and collides several times to Carmenita)

Rigby: Speed up! SPEED UP!!

Mordecai: Dude, I can't! This is as fast as it goes!

Rigby: Maybe one of these speeds it up. (Mordecai hits him hand)

Mordecai: No, dude! Pops said not to touch them! (The car collides back again)

Rigby: I'm going for it! (Rigby pulls one of the levers for Carmenita's special gears, and just like that, Carmenita starts flying to the sky. Mordecai starts to get scared, but then notices that Carmenita is flying in the air.)

Bloodshed: Two can play at this game! (Activates a flammable device to his car, causing it to fly too. They approach Carmenita, and collide by their side.)

Trash: (Honk) You jealous boys?!

Bloodshed: Spine-rippingly jealous!

Manslaughter: (While simulates a strangulation and a blow) Throat-chokingly, heart-punchingly jealous!

Rigby: I just wanted a free meal!

(While in the parking lot, Margaret and Eileen are sitting and taking a drink...)

Eileen: You don't think Rigby really thinks I'm dating Tuck Packerd, do you?

Margaret: So what if he does? A little jealousy never hurt anyone.

Eileen: (Laughs) Do you think it made Rigby jealous?

Margaret: I hope so. (pointing to the sky) Check it out, it's a plane.

Rigby: Oh no-ha-ha!

Trash: I'm glad, you guys are jealous.

Scabitha: Cause we got something to tell you ge-

Trash and Scabitha: What the? (The two cars get to the point of impact with the plane, and they are frightened and sidestep to it, one on each side) AAAAH!

Scabitha: AAAAH! Get those down from here! (Touch change Greek letters)

Mordecai: NO! Don't touch that! (The first touch opens the rear trunk. The second opens the front which makes the engine has difficulty. Mordecai coughs) Stop her!

Rigby: Hey! Stop messing with those! (Rigby starts fighting Scabitha, but she grabs him and beats him)

Manslaughter: Oh, you're asking for it!

Scabitha: (Rigby tries to get out of his arms, but then she pushes him.) Thanks for abdiction! You, boonies!

Trash: These scrubs aren't our boyfriends, we just wanted to make you appreciate us more.

Scabitha: Can you kill these guys so we can go home?

Manslaughter: Babes, really? That's so touching. (Expression of anger) Give us back our girlfriends!

(Bones bankruptcy leads down Carmenita and hits her 4 times. In the fourth, the engine shoots out toward the ground; and then it explodes.)

Rigby: Uhh, Mordecai? What was that?

Mordecai: That was the engine, dude.

Trash and Scabitha: THE ENGINE?! (The car falls)

Manslaughter: The babes! (Trash and Scabitha start to be scared but then start to hit Mordecai and Rigby until they get back in Bloodshed's & Manslaughter's car and fly away.)

Rigby: DUDE, DO SOMETHING! (Mordecai activates another function of the change, which takes strange wings which lift them before they hit the ground Mordecai and Rigby collide five, but then they hit a tree and fall off the car injured)

Margaret: Are you okay? (She and Eileen run to where they are)

Mordecai: You guys were right. Cruising is the worst way to pick up women.

Eileen: Oh, you poor things.

Mordecai: Uhhh, we'll buy dinner for you and those guys, but... can we get your numbers so we can reschedule for tomorrow night? I'm pretty sure we need to go to the hospital.

Margaret: (While record the number) Umm, yeah, of course, no rush. I mean, we just wanna make sure that you're okay. (It gives the number Mordecai)

Mordecai: Course.

Rigby: (gasp) We got a girl's number!

Margaret: What? No!

Mordecai: Dude, we did!

Mordecai and Rigby: Free dinner!

Margaret: Oh, what? You tricked us!

Mordecai: Hey, but you never said we couldn't get your numbers.

Eileen: At least let us choose where to eat.

Mordecai: Okay, where?

Margaret: Best sandwiches in town.

(Mordecai agrees Margaret and shakes hands with her.)

(At Coffee Shop)

Margaret: (Giving their sandwiches) Here you go, guys.

Mordecai: Uhh, aren't you gonna eat something?

Margaret: No thanks, we're good.

Eileen: Yeah, we eat those sandwiches all the time.

Rigby: Good thing these are free, cause we gotta save up to pay for the damages for Pop's car.

Mordecai: Yeah. Lesson learned, no more cruising.

TV: And now back to "Digit Jockey's" fighter pilots with the best game in town. (TV Cafeteria shown)

(A jet landing with two adults shown.)

Young Pilot: Hey, ladies. (Showing two executive Young launches a missile that says "party" to them, that the impact shows several girls in bikini on a beach) Wanna hit the pool?

(Margaret and Eileen is upset, but Mordecai and Rigby impressed. Then they see the girls.)

Margaret: Don't even think about it.