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This page is the transcript for "Bachelor Party! Zingo!!".

(Episode begins with Skips's house. Skips comes in holding his mail. He turns on his stove, lights wood, and turns on his fan. He gets into a lotus position on his mat and sighs. He picks up the mail and sees a card. His eyes widen when he opens it.)

Quips: What do you get when you put a ball with a chain? Two people getting married. (Skips smiles) Zin-

(Skips flips the card over. He discovers that it is an invitation to the wedding of Quips and Monica.)

Skips: Hey, Quips is getting married. Aww.

(He hears knocking and answers the door)

Quips: You get the invite, cous?

Skips: Uh, yeah.

Quips: Good. I was so excited that I had it sent overnight at great expense.

Skips: Well, eh, congratulations. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.

Quips: And she can't wait to meet the (Pokes chest) "best man", buddy.

Skips: Best man?

(Quips puts a "Best Man" cap on Skips and waves flags around while blowing into a party favor)

Quips: But in all honesty, Skips, I don't have a lot of friends. So I need you to be my best man. Anyway, what's a composer's favorite kind of party?

Skips: So what do I gotta do?

Quips: You gotta throw me a "Bachelor" party! I just changed the joke up on the fly to answer your question.

Skips: Bachelor party? I've never done one of those before.

Quips: Oh, you'll do great. I just have one request.

Skips: Huh?

Quips: At the end of the night, I wanna eat "wings on a hill" with my best buds. Well, your best buds. Hey, can I borrow your best buds? Just to reiterate, I don't have any friends.

Skips: Sure, no problem.

Quips: Thanks, best man. Or should I say, "chest man"? (Pats Skips's chest) Badabadabadaba zingo! Hey, can you spot me for a cab home?

(Cut to Pops' House, where Mordecai and Rigby are laughing. They are in the kitchen.)

Mordecai: Sack lunch!

Rigby: Sack lunch!

(They laugh while putting sacks on the table)

Mordecai and Rigby: (Slapping sacks together) Lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Lunch!

(They stop when they hear Skips on the phone)

Skips: No, what do you mean you're closed for a private party?

Wing Kingdom Manager: Well, exactly what I said. We're closed for a private party today. You're gonna have to get your wings somewhere else.

(Skips grunts and hangs up)

Mordecai: What's the matter, Skips?

Rigby: You want some licorice, bro?

Skips: Wing Kingdom is closed, and I need to get wings for a bachelor party.

(Muscle Man bursts in with Hi Five Ghost)

Muscle Man: Did some- (Stops to catch his breath) -Did somebody say "bachelor party"?

Skips: I don't know the first thing about bachelor parties.

Muscle Man: You just gotta do a bunch of crazy stuff to celebrate your bro's last night of freedom.

Skips: But isn't he already in a long-term monogamous relationship?

(Mordecai and Rigby look at each other) 

Rigby: Maybe we should help.

(He eats some licorice as Mordecai begins to speak.)

Mordecai: So who's it for?

Skips: My cousin, Quips.

Guys: Uhh....

Rigby: Well, it's...still a bachelor party.

Muscle Man: Still a bachelor party.

Mordecai: It's still a bachelor party.

Rigby: And there'll be wings.

Muscle Man: And there'll be wings.

Mordecai: And there'll be wings. We'll take care of everything, Skips. All you gotta worry about is the wings.

Skips: Thanks, guys.

(Cut to Quips performing as a clown at a birthday party)

Quips: What animal is like an insect that secretly gets married? An antelope!

Kid #1: Boo!

Kid #2: Don't quit your day job!

Quips: This is my day job. Ahem. What do you get if you-

Kid #1: Get off the stage, loser!

Quips: Whew, tough crowd.

(Gets punched in the chest by Kid #1)

Quips (continued): Really..tough crowd.

(Another kid puts a paper bag over his head)

Quips (continued): What the--

(Kid grabs him)

Quips (continued): Where are you taking me?!

Kid #1: (To frightened kids) You don't tell anybody what you saw!

(The kids only quiver in fear and look at each other. The scene then cuts to Quips, who is in the middle of having the paper bag removed. The camera zooms out, revealing the three children who kidnapped Quips. Quips quickly begins to beg for mercy.)

Quips: Please... spare my life! Take anything you want!

(The kid who put the paper bag over Quips's head unzips his costume, revealing a well disguised Rigby. Quips smiles in response.)

Quips (continued): Ahhhhhh.....

(He turns to look at the other two kids, who are really just Muscle Man and Hi Five Ghost in disguise. They begin laughing.)

Quips (continued): Oh, no....

(Muscle Man attaches a ball and chain to Quips's leg)

Quips (continued): It's really happening!

(Mordecai rolls down a window and smiles)

Mordecai: Welcome to your bachelor party, dude.

Quips: Wow!

(Looks around excitedly)

Quips (continued): Am I in a limo?

(The camera then focuses on Skips, who is up front in the passenger seat. He is on the phone, trying to get ahold of a place that sells wings.)

Skips: No wings? At all? 

(Hangs up)

Skips (continued): (Frustrated) Oh, why'd today have to be National Wing Day?

(He crosses out Thighs Guys on his list of wing joints. Quips suddenly appears behind him, a big grin plastered on his face.)

Quips: Skips, this is a dream come true! Thanks for--(Throws up his hands)--No, wait. I'm gonna tell this to everyone.

(He sits back down and addresses everybody in the room)

Quips (continued): Thanks, everybody. This really means a lot. Now, enough with the conversation- let's start the (Points) celebration!

(Thrusts his arms back against his sides)

Quips (continued): Zingooooooo! Come on, guys; zingo with me.

(Mordecai and Rigby look at each other)

Mordecai: (Shrugs) Bachelor party, dude.

All (except Skips): Zingooooo!

(A montage of the bachelor party begins. Mordecai is shown concentrating before rolling a bowling ball and knocking down all ten pins. Rigby rolls next, managing to get a strike as well. Quips walks up next, determined to knock down some pins. The camera quickly pans over to the pins as he takes his turn, although they don't seem to be affected by his roll. The camera pans back over to Quips, who realizes that he was trying to roll the ball that was attached to his ankle. The camera then proceeds to zoom in on Skips, who is on the phone trying to contact a wing joint. He frowns and crosses out Wicky Wild Wild Wings on his list. Quips is then seen riding in a bumper car, a big smile on his face. In the car right behind him, Skips is on the phone once again, a look of worry evident on his face. He scribbles out Guess Who's Coming To Winger? on his list. The scene then transitions to a paintball fight. Quips puts down his protective face mask and blasts Skips with paint. Skips seems to be unaware of what is happening as he continues to speak on the phone. He crosses out Ding-A-Wings on his list. The scene changes to a Carter and Briggs stuntman tryout. Briggs is seen winking at Quips before Quips does donuts in the limo. Meanwhile, Skips crosses out Wingin' It And Blingin' It on his list. Quips is then shown standing on top of an alligator as the guys look on. Skips crosses out Wing Suit Riot, 12 Angry Wings, and If You Like It Put A Wing On It on his list. Rigby, Muscle Man, Fives and Quips are then heard shouting "Zingo!" as they stick their head out of the limo's sunroof. Skips is also shown dejectedly staring at his list, for all of the wing joints in town are out of wings. The montage ends with a clock transition.)

Quips: Man, this bachelor party's been perfect! Speaking about perfect bachelor parties, (points at Skips) how's those wings coming, Skips?

Skips: Uh, yeah of course, uh, but uh... (Shrugs) bachelor party rules! Time for the, uh... blindfold activity!

(Quips gasps as Mordecai ties a blindfold around Quips's head)

Quips: (Excitedly) Just like in the movies!

Skips: Uh, Mordecai and Rigby.... (Points) could I see you privately for a second?

(Mordecai and Rigby are then seen opening one of the limo's doors)

Mordecai: What's up, Skips?

(They enter the limo)

Rigby: How's the wing search?

Skips: I called every place in town. There's no wings anywhere! What should I do?

Mordecai and Rigby: (Look at each other) Uh....

Mordecai: You gotta try Wing Kingdom again.

Rigby: Yeah; maybe the private party's over!

Skips: Worth a shot.

(The limo is seen driving up to Wing Kingdom. Skips skips into the restaurant and addresses the manager.)

Skips (continued): Uh, excuse me; I'd like a few dozen wings.

Wing Kingdom Manager: We're closed for a private party.

Skips: It's for my cousin! Can't you just spare a few?

Wing Kingdom Manager: Sorry, sir. They're animals in there.

(He gestures to another room, where the private party is being held. Loud screams and breaking glass can be heard.)

Wing Kindom Manager (continued): (Shrugs) I can't spare a single wing.

Skips: (Begging) Please! 

(Grabs the manager's shoulders) 

Skips (continued): I'm the best man! I can't let him down!

Wing Kingdom Manager: Pffft. Some best man. 

(Begins to walk away)

Wing Kingdom Manager (continued): Can't even find a few wings.

(Skips sighs and worriedly grabs a Wing Kingdom bag, stuffing napkins into it. Cut back to Quips and the guys in the limo.)

Quips: That's a great idea!

(Skips joins them)

Quips (continued): You got those wings, best man?

Skips: Uh, yep.

Quips: You know, "Wings on a Hill" is a Quippenger tradition.


Quips: You bet. My dad did it with his friends, my grandfather did it, and now me with my bros and my best man carrying on the tradition. All this wing talk is making me hungry. (Clasps and rubs his stomach) How long 'till wing time?

Skips:'s coming.

Quips: Well, can I at least have a whiff to tide me over?

Skips: I don't think that-

(Quips grabs the bag of "wings" and shakes it)

Quips: Huh, a lighter than I thought it'd be.

Skips: Uhh....

(Quips sniffs the inside.)

Quips: Not much of a scent....What flavor is this?

Skips: Uhh, the best one. Why don't you give me that back?

Quips: Maybe if I just take a peek.

(Quips removes his blindfold and peeks)

Skips: Wait!

(Quips sees that there are napkins in place of the wings)

Quips: Is this some kinda joke?

Skips: Uh, listen...

Quips: Because if it is, you should say, "Zingo". Because people might get the wrong idea if you don't say "Zingo" after the hilarious joke.

Skips: Let me explain.

Quips: (Begins to whimper) Very funny, Skips!

(Rigby places a hand on Quips)

Rigby: Come on, try and calm down.

(Quips motions himself away from Rigby's hand)

Quips: You don't understand. The only Quippenger who didn't eat "wings on a hill" was left at the altar!

(Quips buries his head in his hands and cries)

Skips: Quips, I'm sorry. I tried everywhere.

Muscle Man: Ahem. Not everywhere, bro.

(Scene cuts to a night sky in a bayou where fireflies fly everywhere. A fly flutters by, then a frog eats the fly, and then a dragonfly picks up the frog and flies away.)

Mordecai: "Wings For Real Men"?

Rigby: Yeah, we can read.

(They walk on a bridge to a small restaurant)

Muscle Man: This place is really off the grid. Real hush-hush. They take their wings super seriously.

(They go inside the "Wings For Real Men" restaurant to find no one there)

Skips: Hello?

(Someone opens the door. Skips and Quips look at each other. A guy with a beard, a guy eating wings, and a chef walk up to them.)

Guy #1: Well, lookie here! We got several fancy city folk, from the biiig city!

Skips: I need a bucketa wings to go.

Guy #1: You walk in here with your fancy pants, running water, your electricity, and your special-edition DVDs, and expect us to give you our buckets?!

Skips: What about that?

(There is a sign that says "Inferno Wing Challenge - Free Wings for Life")

Skips (continued): (Grabs sign) Free wings for life, huh?

Guy #1: Oh, you wouldn't be able to handle those. They're for real men.

Mordecai: We're men!

Muscle Man: No women here.

Hi Five Ghost: I haven't seen a woman all day.

Guy #1: Nobody's ever survived the Inferno Challenge!

(We are shown "people who died trying the Inferno Challenge") (In the UK, the sign shows "People who stopped living trying the Inferno Challenge". due to the word "died" being too inappropriate. This censor is also used in Australia.)

Guy #1: Our wing sauce is made from mutated ghost peppers, hot magma extract, and black widow venom.

Skips: I'll do it.

(A plate, a towelette, a bucket of wings, and blue cheese dip are set up for Skips)

Guy #2: But you don't get the blue cheese!

(The chef whacks it against the wall, where a bunch of other blue cheese containers lay)

Guy #3: You got two minutes to eat that whole bucket.

(Skips picks up an Inferno wing. Some sauce drops from the wing and burns through the table. Skips and the guys gasp.)

Quips: Skips, don't do it! Maybe being left at the altar won't be so bad!

Skips: I promised you those wings, and you're gonna get 'em.

(Skips starts the timer. He cools off the first wing, then eats it. He breathes out hot breath and drops the bone. He cools off the second wing, and begins to bite, when the sauce causes pain in his mouth. The guys gasp. Skips sticks out his tongue, which is burning from the sauce. The three guys laugh at this. Skips grabs a third wing and cools it off before eating it. He groans in pain. After a large round of wings, Skips's body is all hot and scruffy.)

Guy #1: Tick-tock, city boy! Ain't that what your fancy watches say?

(Skips groans and reaches back into the bucket for another wing)

Mordecai: Come on, Skips! You're almost there!

(As Mordecai says this, the camera focuses back onto Skips, who is severely scruffy and shaken up)

Mordecai (continued): (Voice slows down) Just three more wings...

(The camera pans around to everybody in the room, including the amused chef and his men and an anxious looking Quips. The camera then focuses back on the bucket, which is almost flaming in anticipation. Skips picks up another wing and groans before blacking out. He is then seen waking up in an actual inferno.)

Skips: Huh?

(He looks at his surroundings. Some strange beings are then seen marching nearby.) 

Zingos: (Chanting) Zingo, zingo, zingo, zingo, zingo!

(They menacingly loom over Skips, who looks up in surprise)

Zingo #1: We are the zingos. (Hisses) This... is the inferno!

Skips: I... I gotta... finish this! 

(Before he can do so, however, Zingo #1 knocks him off of the miniature cliff they are standing on)

Zingo #1: Never!

(Skips slides down the cliff and manages to hang onto a piece of celery. He then looks down at the river of blue cheese below him. The zingos slide down the cliff and land right in front of Skips, almost knocking him into the estuary of dressing. One of the zingos stomps on Skips's hand, almost causing him to lose his grip. He moans in pain and somehow manages to hold on.)

Zingo #1: You've let down your own family!

(He roars and attempts to stomp on Skips's hand again, but Skips manages to grab hold of his leg and stop him)

Skips: (Determined) He's gonna get those wings!

(He throws the zingo over the edge of the cliff. Zingo #1 manages to land on a piece of cliff that had broken off in the middle of the river. He looks up angrily at Skips in response. Skips then proceeds to leap into the air and knock the other two zingos' heads together, providing him with enough time to bite one of the zingos. The zingo screams in agony before turning into a regular chicken wing, which Skips consumes. He spits out the bones, which end up piercing the other zingo in the side. It screams in pain as Skips skips over and punches it in the face. The zingo in turn manages to punch Skips back, but in doing so, Skips latches onto his arm and bites it. The zingo screams again before turning into a regular wing as well. SKips bites into it successfully before noticing Zingo #1 in the river.)

Zingo #1: (Tauntingly) Zingo. Zingo! Zingo, zingo, zingo.

(Skips hops down from the cliff and lands on one of the cliff fragments floating in the river. He hops from fragment to fragment until he manges to land on the same piece the zingo is standing on. Zingo #1 and Skips begin to punch one another, each delivering a few good blows until the zingo leaps behind Skips and catches him by surprise. Zingo #1 manages to knock Skips over, and shortly after doing so, he wraps his arm around Skips and holds him captive.)

Zingo #1: (continued): You failed him, Skips. Just like you failed Desdemona!

Skips: Noooooo!

(Skips wraps his arms around the zingo and thrusts him in front of his own body, right before they meet up with a blue cheese waterfall. Zingo #1 screams "zingo" one last time before being drenched in blue cheese dressing. He immediately explodes and turns into a regular wing, which Skips eats. The inferno is then seen being doused with rain. Skips victoriously shouts "zingo"  and sighs in relief. He is then shown back in the real world, where he is being doused with lemonade while the guys cheer him on.)

Quips: You did it.

Skips: (Points over at the chef and his men) Now hand over the wings!

Guy #1: Didn't you read the fine print?

(He hands over the picture of the Inferno Wing Challenge and laughs. Skips dusts off the layer of filth covering the fine print, which reads: "Except if'n you're fancy.")

Guy #1 (continued): We don't gotta give you no nothing! No how! So why don't you pack up your big city friends, and your big city shaved chest, and hightail it outta-

(Skips punches him before he can finish)

Skips: Run!

(Skips, with the wings in hand, runs out of the restaurant with Quips and the guys)

Guy #1: Curse you, big city shaved chest!

(The restaurant cracks off the bridge and sinks into the lake)

Guy #1: You're gonna pay for this!

(Cut to the sunrise at the park, where Quips, Skips, and the guys are eating wings)

Quips: Thanks, Skips. That was the best night of my life.

Skips: Ahh, it's what best men do.

(A car drives up to them)

Quips: (Sitting up) Monica!

(The front window rolls down, revealing Monica in the driver's seat)

Monica: Hello, everyone.

Quips: How was your bachelorette party, babe?

Monica: Well, we rented out Wing Kingdom and we ate wings there all night. I had a very good time.

Quips: Haha. (To guys) See? That's why she's gonna wear my "wedding wing"!

(The guys all pump their arms)

Quips and guys: Zingo!

(Monica laughs)

Monica: He's so funny.

(End of Bachelor Party! Zingo!!)