| OOOOOOOHHHHHHH! |
(Beginning Credits)
Clerk 2 [Sam Marin]: (over black screen) How much longer? This is so... boring.
Clerk 1 [JG Quintel]: It's only two more hours, dude.
Clerk 2: (sigh) Two more hours. (beat) Two more hours. (beat) (sigh) Two more hours... f--k.
(Cut to counter with two clerks)
Clerk 1: Dude, want some candy?
Clerk 2: (Groggily) Eh, nah. No thanks.
Clerk1:Aw, come on. It's Halloween.
Clerk 2:(off screen) Eh, hmm.
Clerk 1:Come on. You... you gotta have candy, man. You've gotta have candy on Halloween. It's Halloween.
Clerk 2: Eh.
Clerk 1:(close-up) Dude... candy?
Clerk 2: Arugh... Oh, alright.
Clerk 1:Ha ha ha! Yeah-yuh!
(Clerk 1 takes two candy pieces out of his pocket and both begin chewing.)
Clerk 2:(suspicious) I think there's something wrong with this candy.
Clerk 1: Uh, wh... what do you mean? What are you talking about?
Clerk 2: I don't know, it tastes funny.
Clerk 1: Huh. Hmm. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Huh, huh, yeah. That's because I put drugs in it.
Clerk 2: What? Why? Uh... What's wrong with you?
Clerk 1: Uh, geez. I'm sorry. I.. I thought...
Clerk 2: Whoa, huh! You thought wrong. I mean, what did you put in these things anyway?
Clerk 1: It's.. It's just a little marijuana. It's just a little marijuana.
Clerk 2: (softly) Weed candy. You put weed in a candy bar.
Clerk 1: Oh, oh no, wait! Ha ha! No, no, I remember now. Don't worry, dude, I didn't put any weed in this candy. It was acid.
Clerk 2: (spits out candy) What? Acid? What the f--k is wrong with you?
Clerk 1: I'm... I'm sorry.
Clerk 2: I mean, you said that like acid is safer than weed. You know it's not, right?
Clerk 1: Yes. Yeah, uh. Yeah, I knew. Sorry, I... I don't know why I said that.
Clerk 2: (loud sigh) I've never done acid before. I didn't want to do acid. But even if I did, I'd much rather be told about it than slipped some stupid milk chocolate Mickey.
Clerk 1: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I really am, but what's done is done. My advice, at this point, just calm down and enjoy it. You know what I mean? Seriously, man, it's too late.
Clerk 2: (sigh) I guess you're right. Well...(clerk morphs into proto-Benson) when's it supposed to kick in?
Clerk 1: (shocked, then excited) Right f--king now!
Proto-Benson: What?
Clerk 1: (laughs) Look in the window.
Proto-Benson: (turns to window and sees reflection) What the f--k? Uh... This is crazy. Come on, that's not me. That's not me. If this crap f--ks up my brain I'm gonna kill you, man.
Clerk 1: (laughs)
Proto-Benson: (sigh) This...this is stupid. I'm a gumball machine.
Clerk 1: Come on, it's supposed to be fun.
Proto-Benson: This? (turns crank on his chest, dispenses gumball, then he chews and swallows it) Not fun, man.
Clerk 1:(off screen, while reaching for the crank) Aw, cool...
Proto-Benson:(slaps his hand away) F--k off!
Clerk 1: (head has changed into toast?) Hey, this isn't my fault, alright?
Proto-Benson:(morphs into housefly) Hm. Not your fault, huh?
Clerk 1: (morphs into proto-Pops) Not my fault.
Clerk 2: (his regular head inflates into a balloon) Not your fault.
Clerk 1: (has morphed into a dolphin) Heaheaheaheahea!
(both clerks have morphed into dolphins and loudly click and whistle for a few seconds before Clerk 2 is splashed morphing him into a bear)
Clerk 2: Okay, okay. Stop it. (morphs back into Proto-Benson)
Proto-Benson: This is too... weird.
(Clerk 1 has moprhed into proto-Mordecai with a fanny-pack)
Proto-Mordecai: Uh... Yeah... This is, uh, getting a little weird for my tastes. (Zipper on fanny-pack opens) Especially right now.
Proto-Benson: What are we going to do when someone comes in for gas? We can't help people when were like this. (his face swirls for a split-second) We can't help people when were like this.
Proto-Mordecai: Yeah we can.
Proto-Benson: No, were gonna get fired over this crap.
Proto-Mordecai: Look...Look just calm down. It's two in the morning, nobody's coming in for gas right now. Okay? Okay?
(service bell rings, both duck underneath counter)
(they look outside to see a car about to put a gas pump nozzle into a man's butt, but stop to look in the window)
Proto-Benson: (panicking) What do we do? What do we do?
Proto-Mordecai: Just, shut up. Just shut up for a second. I have to think. Uh.
Proto-Benson: S--t, what do we do? What do we do? F--k, what do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?
Proto-Mordecai: Oh! Okay. Okay, I got it. I got it.
Proto-Benson: What?
Proto-Mordecai: We just have to concentrate on what we're supposed to look like, and then we'll switch back.
Proto-Benson: (doubtful) What?
Proto-Mordecai: I heard it makes it wear off faster.
Proto-Benson: You are so full of s--t.
Proto-Mordecai: Do you have a better idea?
Proto-Benson: (sigh) Fine.
(montage of proto-Benson and proto-Mordecai falling through space as they try and concentrate on switching back)
(front entrance door opens ringing a bell, both clerks have morphed back to their normal selves.)
Clerk 1: Shh! Shh! (softly) Just be cool, just be cool. It worked, alright? Shh! Shh! Shh!
(Clerk 1 stands up and brushes himself off before realizing the customer is a police officer)
Policeman: How's it going, fellas?
Clerk 1: Good. Good.
Clerk 2: Uh, it's kinda slow. Yeah.
Policeman: I hear that. But it is Halloween. Everyone tends to be on foot.
Clerks 1&2: (nervously) Uh. Yeah. (laughs) Yeah. Uh... Yeah.
Policeman: Hey! (suspiciously) You two staying outta trouble?
Clerks1&2: (glup)
(beat)
Policeman: Ha! I'm just messing with you. I just need a little midnight snack. (holds up a bag of chips) (off screen) How much do I owe you?
Clerk 2: (shakes head quickly) Okay, that'll be 1.24.
(register rings)
Policeman: (sigh) (starts eating chips, then stops)
(beat)
Policeman: These chips are a little stale.
Clerk 1: Oh! Do...Do you want-
Policeman: No, no. It's fine.
(beat, clerks look at each other then back at police officer)
Policeman: (mouth opens wide, inhaling entire bag of chips)
Clerks 1&2: (screaming) Ahhh!
(a whirlwind is created inside store while police officer takes his head off, sits on it, then flies through doors shattering the glass)
(clerks 1&2 dumbfounded as they stare at hole left by the police officer)
Clerk 1: Shh! Shh! Shh! Do you hear that?
Clerk 2: (frightened) What? What?
Clerk 1: (looking at Clerk 2, passes gas loudly)
Clerk 2: (sigh) I... f--king hate you.
Clerk 1: Aw, come on. It's supposed to be fun.
(cuts to credits)