Death Punchies/Transcript

(Mordecai turns on the television, Rigby inserts the game cartridge in the console and Mordecai presses the power button on the console.)

Announcer on game: Da-da-da-da-da! Dig Champs!

Rigby: Dude, these are probably the best graphics I've ever seen in my life!

Mordecai: Dude, it looks just like the cover!

(Mordecai and Rigby chuckle at the cover of the game and the game itself, with the cover obviously looking better and different then the actual game.)

M&R: Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!

Mordecai: Oh man. Dude, let's play it.

Rigby: Woah, woah, woah! You can't play a game like this right out of the box. We should stretch it out first. We don't want to pull our "hammies", know what I'm sayin'? Hey, whatta ya doin'?!

Mordecai: Starting. Hurry up, and, pick your character! He-he-he!

Rigby: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one!

Mordecai: Dude, I'm player one. You're player two.

Rigby: I don't wanna be player two! He digs with a sucky pickaxe! I want the one with the shovel!

Mordecai: Dude, they're exactly the same!

Rigby: Then why don't you be player two?!

Mordecai: Pffft. I'm not using that sucky pickaxe!

Rigby: Huh! See?!

Mordecai: Dude, calm down! Let's play punchies to see who gets to be player one.

Rigby: Fine!

(Rigby tries to punch Mordecai. He fails. Mordecai then punches Rigby and wins.)

Rigby: Augh!

Mordecai: Looks like I'm player one.

Rigby: No! It's not fair! You always get your way! (Mockingly): Let's play punchies, let's play punchies! I'm sick of it! Of course I'm not gonna beat you at punchies.

Mordecai: Dude, you don't beat anybody at punchies!

Rigby: Yes I do!

Mordecai: No you don't.

(A series of flashbacks is shown. Rigby and Muscle Man are playing punchies. Muscle Man wins. Pops with his eyes closed punches Rigby to the wall.)

Rigby: Augh!

(In the last flashback, seemingly drunk Mordecai and Pops see also seemingly drunk Skips punch Rigby. Rigby is being taken off by a helicopter presumbly to a hospital.)

Mordecai: We-oo! We-oo! We-oo! Quick, doctor, both of these butt cheeks are unrecognizable. If we want anyone to be able to recognize this as a butt in the future, then we're gonna have to do a complete butt transplant, stat!

Rigby: Stop talking! There was only damage to the one cheek and you know it!

Mordecai: Uh-ha-ha-ha! That's right, we used to call you the one cheek wonder! Dude, I'm bringin' it back!

Rigby: You better not!

Muscle Man: Is that one cheek wonder? I hope he's not trying to play punchies with cheeks like that!

M&MM: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(Close up of Rigby's butt cheeks. Covers them with his tail.)

Rigby: Stop! Don't look at them! I'll win at punchies, you'll see!

(Rigby runs to his and Mordecai's room.)

Rigby: Meehhhhhhh! (Jumps on Mordecai's bed.) Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Dumb! Mord-e-cai! I hate you!

Mordecai(voice): You better not be messin' with my side of the room!

Rigby: Ughhhhhhhh! (Grabs book.) You're ruining my life! (Throws book at the door. The book hits his face.) Owwww! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(A frustrated Mordecai puts on headphones and plays the video game.)

Rigby: Ughh! Ughhh! Ughh! Stupid bo-ok?

(An intereseted Rigby looks at the phone book, which says "Death Kwon Do.")

Rigby: Death Kwon Do?! Learn kicks, chops and punches in moments! Unlock your full potential today? Yes!

(Cut to the "Death Kwon Do" building.)

Sensai: It's a touching story. Really, it is. But I don't know if you're ready for Death Kwon Do.

Rigby: Why not?!

Sensai: Death Kwon Do is all about self defense. But, from the sound of it, you just want to hit harder.

Rigby: Uhhhh....no? Can you just teach me something?

Sensai: Hmm. Determination. I like that. Okay, I'll teach you some beginner defensive moves. All you gotta do is pick from the sacred text of Death Kwon Do.

(Sensai holds up a book titled "Death Kwon Do".)

Sensai: Let's see, we can start you off with "Bicep Flex of Death". Or there's the "Leg Lifts of Death." That's a good beginner's move. Or the "Pelvic Thrust of Death." That's one of my personal favorites.

(Rigby is searching for moves in the book.)

Rigby: That one. That's the one I want. "The Death Punch."

Sensai: That I'm afraid is not for beginners.

Rigby: What, why?!

Sensai: Because you only want to use it to beat up your friends. You're not pure of heart!

Rigby: What?! Don't call me not pure of heart! Waht about you with your crappy mullet?! You're the one who's not pure of heart!

Sensai: That's it! I'm turning my back on you and counting to three! Of death. And when I turn back around you're toast! One of death. Two of death.

(A rip is heard. Rigby has ripped out "The Death Punch of Death.")

Sensai: Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Death Kwon Do Student: Uhh...Sensai, uhh.., I think someone just death kwon clogged the toilet.

Sensai: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

("You're the Best Around" sung by Joe Esposito is heard during the montage. Rigby is trying to learn how to perform the "The Death Punch." Rigby fails, but learns how The Death Punch is used to have a mullet. And learns you also have to wear cut jeans to perform it. He succesfully performs The Death Punch by braking his and Mordecai's burrow. You're the Best Around fades away.)

Rigby: Woah! Time to take this baby for a test drive.

(Rigby goes outside.)

Rigby: Huh-waaaaayyyyy! Hah!

(Rigby first targets Muscle Man and High-Five Ghost.)

Rigby: Heyy-yah! Heyy-yah! Heyyyyyyyyyy-yah! Hah!

(Rigby "punches" Muscle Man and High-Five Ghost. Muscle Man hits the wall.)

Muscle Man: Oh no, bro!

(Rigby then targets Pops.)

Rigby: Heyy-yah!

(Rigby punches Pops.)

Pops: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Pops is puched up to the sun.)

(Rigby then targets Skips.)

Rigby: Heyyyy-yah!

(Rigby punches Skips. Rigby punches Skips all the way a park light, leaving a rut.)

Rigby: Hah! Mmmeeeh!

(Rigby explodes the Snack Bar. Then the park fountain. Thena carnival tent. And finally, a rock.)

Rigby: Uhhhhh-aughhhhh! You're next, Mordecai!

(Cut to the door of the bathroom. Mordecai comes out. A fludh sound is heard.)

Mordecai: Do-do. Do-do. Do-do, do-do, do-do. All right, Rigby, cry baby time's over. Come on, let's go get some food. I'm buying.

(Mordecai notices Rigby's destruction of their room.)

Mordecai: Aw, what?! Rigby! Aughhhhh! He's gonna pay for this. (Picks up the phone book.) Death Kwon Do?

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